Awful Awesome Metal Video of the Week: Candlemass - Bewitched

The Bewitched music video by Swedish doom metallers, Candlemass is inarguabley the best heavy metal music video ever made. Ever. There is no music video more metal and more perfect in the entire history of the genre. Not even the original Holy Diver video can hold a Candle to this Mass. That is a fact, and if you disagree in anyway, you are wrong.

I'm looking at the size of this cardboard coffin, and we can tell that the video's theme regarding black magic and witchery is well under way. How else can you explain a man of Messiah Marcolin's girth fitting into such a cramped vessel so easily? Or how it only takes four band mates to carry him for that matter? Messiah is Candlemassive. 

Messiah flaps his jowls savagely at us from underneath his epic white man's afro, while snarling the eerie lyrics of Bewitched. He keeps pointing at you menacingly, and if the shit hasn't been intimidated out of your pants, you're not even watching the video. He is perpetually covered in fog, because if you are able to gaze upon his majestic, unobstructed radiance in full view, for even a moment, then you are already dead. We get to see repeatedly in the video what it's like to see Candlemass perform live back in the day, and I'm devastated that it isn't 20 years ago right now. Messiah shows us on stage, the greatest dance one in the metal community could partake in: I'm going to call it "The Messiah Stomp", and the next time you enter a mosh pit to strut your stuff, you better god damn do it. It consists of swinging one of your arms upward, then downward, while stomping with the leg on the same side in unison. If you're having trouble figuring out how to do it properly, don't worry, Messiah Marcolin is gonna hold a class on the proper technique later on in the video. 

Nowhere in Sweden is it safe from Messiah's rampage, as he sulks around town and points at everybody. Check out 2:53-2:56 to see what it looks like when two grown men shit their pants. He then proceeds to seduce the prettiest girl they could find to take part in the video with his fake fiddle playing and constant nodding. She is clearly terrified, for she knows if she sleeps with him, she's never going to enjoy sexual conduct that brilliant for the rest of her existence. In a panic she fleas, but it doesn't take long for her to deeply regret her decision. She returns to him, just like he knew she would, moist and willing, unable to resist his wily charms. She is fully prepared to accept his indubitably gargantuan manhood.  

Again we return to the video's original theme of witchcraft and magic: the guitarist is playing an intricate solo with a clearly broken and musically incapacitated hand. I can't fathom how much pointing and fat-faced glaring would go into the incantation to make such sorcery possible, but if there's a warlock that could make it happen, it would definitely be Marcolin, our pure metal lord and master of afro-powered darkness and doughnuts. While the solo plays, Messiah goes around grabbing and shoving all the young people he kidnapped, and they don't do anything to retaliate because how the hell could they? To appease him, they take part in a choreographed Messiah Stomp dance, and it is the sweetest thing ever. He proceeds through Sweden with his army of dancing teenagers in their denim battle jackets and Chuck Taylors, and I don't have to tell you twice that the whole country is doomed.

Or maybe not. Messiah Marcolin brings his newly assembled forces back with him to his awkward, above-ground grave where they will stomp him to sleep for the rest of eternity. He returns to the inside of his make-shift casket, where he will slumber for the next 1,000 years when he will awaken to stomp and point with the children of Europe once again.