What's everyone's chubby over Converge?

An issue of Decibel Magazine. Or as I like to call it, Converge Lovers Digest

Help me to understand, because clearly there is something I'm missing. What is with every magazine or metal site editor's vein-covered, fully engorged, purple boner sweating profusely for mediocre mosh musicians, Converge? Every time I give a Converge tune a listen, within the first 30 seconds or-so I'm like "really?" I then wait 20 additional seconds and the song is usually over. If Converge is considered "mathcore", then these guys are playing elementary arithmetic. I find Converge so underwhelming that now I'm doing math jokes. 

Converge is hardly a spring chicken. These Salem, Mass locals were making awful hardcore music when most of you little jerk offs were either in diapers or daddy's nutsack. The band first formed in 1990, and are self-confessed "hardcore kids with left-over Slayer riffs". I strongly disagree, because if Slayer riffs had anything to do with Converge, I might actually enjoy listening to them. Their big breakthrough album Jane Doe, released in 2001, is critically renowned as the best work the band has released to date. Before writing this article, I listened to most of it. If Jane Doe is their very" best album", then Converge is in a lot of trouble. They don't have anything going for them; except sporadic, repetitive noise and more sporadic repetitive noise.

In Revolver magazine's review of 2009's Axe to Fall, musical over-analyzer Aaron Burgess wrote "Converge fans generally fall into two camps: those who worship everything leading up to 2001's Jane Doe, and those who swear by that album and the two that followed. Indeed, Jane Doe marks the point at which Converge graduated from noise, thrash influenced hardcore kids to hardcore-influenced noise-thrash titans...."


Really? Cause I think that Converge fans generally fall into only one camp: retarded.

What exactly is the difference between "thrash influenced hardcore kids" and "hardcore-influenced noise thrash titans"? Sounds to me like "shitty" and "also shitty". So here's a story for you out of nowhere: My apartment complex has a really bad feral cat problem. The other night I was up late masturbating writing a blog, when I heard the most horrible squawking, screeching, gurgling and moaning coming from outside. I stood up and approached my window to investigate. Two stray cats were throwing down hardcore right outside my door. As if this patch of concrete they were on was worth a fierce territorial battle as opposed to some other patch of concrete. Whatever, cats are dumb. Anyway, the obnoxious, blood-curdling wailing of both those cats trying to eat each other's faces sounded exactly like the way Jacob Bannon sings. Unfortunately, I can't chase Converge off with a broom or a pot of cold water.

Jacob Bannon was cowering in the rain outside my place.
 I had one moment of weakness and I left him a can of tuna.
Now he won't leave, and he keeps getting in fights with Brent Hinds.

I see Converge as a perfect example of there being "too heavy" a metal band. It's like you find yourself with this need to try and make your music heavier, faster, harder, louder, more distorted and tuned lower, until you reach this point where it's just not music anymore. You're just screeching, noodling away with your over-chunky guitar noise, and banging a drum a lot. It's like if you give a toddler a toy drum set. He's going to hit it really hard and really fast, with no concept of music and rhythm. He just likes making noise. His senseless drum smashing gets louder and louder, and along with it, his natural reaction as a toddler is to scream at a volume that matches or exceeds the noise he is creating. I feel with this analogy in mind, Converge and their peers are musical toddlers. They just like making a lot of stupid noise, only there are no parents intellectually superior enough to take it away and tell them to go to bed. 

There are hardcore bands, metalcore bands, grindcore bands and vuvuzela blowers worth way more musically than Converge ever will be. This isn't art. This is just critically acclaimed noise built solely to be played at high volumes so that hardcore kids can kick each other in the junk to it. It sucks and I want it out of my metal magazines.