Band Tattoos

It's just another rainy night for this douche.

TNM reader Matt Foster asked me "what are your views on band tattoos?" Excellent question, Matt...

Picture this:

It's the dawn of the new millenium. In Flames is still a respectable Swedish melodic death metal band, and you bought yourself a t-shirt with their band logo to express to everyone that you are a fan of their music. All is well with the world. Two years later however, the band makes the artistic decision to start making music that sucks and releases Reroute to Remain. You, being the real man you are, unapologetic with your standards of true metalocity, take your In Flames shirt off if you're wearing it, throw it in a dumpster, and move on with your life to bigger and better things.

These are some of the great things about band shirts: they're relatively cheap, and they can be removed. Let's go back in time again. This time however, instead of buying a band shirt for a reasonable price and only occasionally wearing it, you decide to take your passion for the band to the next level and have this creep in some back-alley hole in the wall clumsily dig a tattoo needle into your skin for several painful hours. Now you have this massive, awkwardly placed, probably infected In Flames logo permanently scarred across your chest, because you loved their last album that much. Cue the release of Reroute to Remain. Oh shit, now what? I'll tell you what; you now have a band that blows mutilated across your epidermis. Way to go, dumbass.

Your back is not a high school notebook.

This doesn't mean I have anything against tattoos. That would be pretty hypocritical of me. I have one of an ax on my cheek and the word "ABYSS" written across my forehead in spider webs. I thought it was a great stage name at the time, long story. Tattoos themselves aren't really the issue here. As I have stated multiple times, to have the confidence and proper mindset of a true metalhead, you should never assume for a moment that any man, regardless of fame, status, or musical skill, is more metal than you are.  If you permanently etch a band name into your body, you are branding yourself as the prison yard bitch property of a group of men. The only difference here is that they don't want to have sex with you, no matter how badly you may (apparently) want it. Every time a fan shows a band his tattoo of them, it creeps them out. You're not a devoted metal fan. You're an over-obsessed, psychopathic stalker who has some deeply rooted daddy issues.

Bands like to see their logos on a lot of things: t-shirts, cover art, stickers, posters, fliers, wrist bands, lanyards, hoodies, and bathroom stalls. Not anywhere among these things, is your pasty, oily, freckled, hairy, stretch-marked, acne scarred flesh. You're not doing a band any favors by putting their name on your nasty body. When ancient man came up with the idea of clothing, it wasn't to keep himself warm. It's because he knew what you were going to look like without it. Also if you're doing this because you simply want to pay your proper respects to a fallen metal artist, don't...

RIP Lo Pan
Who knew Kurt Russel was going to catch the knife?

Darrell doesn't need to be best remembered as having stupid fans with bad taste. (Even if that's how he's remembered regardless of tribute tattoos...) I get if you're all about giving props to your dead homies. After all, there's no better excuse to get bad artwork scraped on you, then when one of your friends or loved ones kicks it! The thing you have to come to terms with is Dimebag was not your friend. If I channeled the soul of Darrell right now, and told him about you, not only would he be turned off at the thought of his face on your body, but he would also not have a clue about who the hell you were. Even if you did meet him, you were just another forgettable fan, pining for autographs and sucking up like every other douche. You know who you did know personally who's now dead? Grandpa. Why don't just put his drooling, wrinkled face above your asscrack and call it a night?

Let's also not forget my In Flames example earlier. When you get a band tattoo, you are failing to read the most important musical fine print: The writing and production of quality music is subject to change. As time progresses, a metal band typically becomes more and more likely to start sucking. This can either be a gradual decline, or this can be a shameless sellout complete shift in musical direction after a 5-6 year hiatus. You don't know what the future holds, and metal bands infamously lack consistency. Your favorite band today, could be your biggest pet peeve tomorrow. Tattoos are meant to be permanent. I wish I could say the same for the integrity of a metal band.

This guy is convinced he's the coolest thing in orange camo. 

True metal redemption hardly requires multiple sessions of expensive, painful laser surgery to remove your regrettable ink. It's okay, this isn't anything you can't fix without a great deal of patience and a sufficient amount of car battery acid.