All-time greatest lists

This latest post is inspired by reader Albert Nish for his post on the Facebook page. Thanks Albert and to all of the loyal readers.

Of all metal atrocities that are committed by those who claim to be fans of our genre, the absolute greatest and worst are the horrendous “Greatest …” lists. They are cleverly designed to attract all of our attentions because they come from Trojan Horses like VH1 and use the words “Metal” and/or “Best,” “Greatest,” “Bands,” “Guitarists,” etc., which appeals to the most gullible group of individuals in the market and the ones that are likely to (waste) spend their money on these things: teenagers and complete idiots with absolutely no common sense. Let me elaborate to say that teenagers are complete idiots with no common sense, but I had to specify two distinct groups, especially as some teenagers will develop perfectly functioning and cognitive brains later in life, though this is a very rare occurrence.

Doubt it.

These “Greatest” or “Best of” lists, which come in many different varieties but all center on the same basic concept, are simply ploys that publications and “authorities” use in order to increase revenue to their failing business venture, willing to sacrifice quality for profit. I can’t necessarily say that I blame them, I mean, money is money, but because they do this bullshit it is up to me (or some other asshole who you adore) to call them out for being douchebags.

We all know of multiple examples of these lists, VH1 being the biggest and most prominent offender, so there should be no need for me to name them, especially as there are far too many to name in one blog post.  In fact, one of them has already been covered on this very site if you need any evidence. Probably the number one reason I shant go further is that some of you morons will go to their sites trying to find these lists, consequently and unknowingly supporting them, which is the last thing you should be doing.

While they come in different shapes and sizes and a multitude of colors, they all revolve around the same three defining characteristics in order that they make money. First, that it include “metal” artists or bands. Second, that they use some group of “experts” to determine the list. Third, and most importantly, that there is just enough commercial representation in the list to be attractive to the masses but also providing ample controversy over the order and inclusions of the “Greatest …”, with notable and completely undeserving exclusions. This third characteristic is crucial to the overall success of the company and ultimately, your anger. By getting it wrong, you as the consumer are likely to be extremely emotional, responding to the list or after hearing about it, watching or purchasing the publication or production to hear or see for yourself. This makes them money and you have been left with a torn asshole as they slipped it in, did their business, and left you feeling violated and painfully sore with nothing but a deeply repressed memory that kind of never leaves your subconscious, if repression was successful.

You can tell it's metal because it has a black background and Maiden-esque font.

 I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads or your nut sack right now. I’m sure many of you are pissed that I just got into the economics of the situation. However, you have to understand in order that you don’t fall for this and can stop it from happening by simply not purchasing the magazines, clicking on the ads, or clicking on the links. Websites monitor this shit, man. You, my fellow metalheads, should also understand that every list is subject to an editorial staff, whether it happens to be a television production or a magazine or web publication. No matter whom the experts are: fellow musicians, the fans/readers/viewers, or the editorial staff; it is all a moot point because the end result has to satisfy the condition that this list make the entity money.

These lists are also not made for true metalheads. You should know this if you have much of a brain. I will refer back to my “That Metal Show” post about a month or so ago when I said that there should be no debate over the better or most metal anything because we as metalheads “know” what is and is not metal and better. We know that Alter Bridge is not metal. We know that Slipknot is not metal (because nu-metal or numetal is not a real word and only sub genres with real words are real metal). We can also definitively say that Van Halen, KISS, Aerosmith, Guns ‘N Roses, and AC/DC are not metal. Metalheads know the difference between Hard Rock, Classic Rock, Metal, and Glam, as good or vomit-inducing as the artists may be. The lists are created for the general public and the poseurs, especially because the editorial staffs of these entities tend to be poseurs themselves.

I should not have to tell anyone that poseurs write this shit for poseurs, it should be self-evident. If you have taken away anything from this site and what it means to be metal it should be this, and I want you to repeat this emphatically and as brutally as you can: the most metal person on the planet is ME. Whether you agree with anything I say is irrelevant; metalheads are the biggest authority on what is metal and our opinions are the only ones that matter, even if we happen to be the only one who agrees. If you are the only one who thinks that an action, list, etc. is metal, that means you are the only one with a valid opinion (except me, and that other asshole). We don’t need a list to tell us what is metal because that was made by some crackpot fool who wasn’t one of us. The person atop every list should be us, because we are the most metal and everyone else sucks increasingly more as you go downward. While you’re going down, looking for something hard, I’ve got something hard and heavy that’s looking for a real softy and it even performs encores.

Where's my album? This shit's stupid.