Sunday, March 13, 2011

Top 5 Shirts I'd Wear to Troll Fellow Metalheads

1. Justin Bieber Slayer Logo

Justin Bieber has been the target of assassination by many a blood-thirsty metal fan since his recent rise to mainstream musical fame. The reason for this, I can only imagine, is because there is a strong pedophile audience in the metal community, and they are wrought with envy that 12-year-old girls lust after a young boy like Justin Bieber as opposed to them. I'm strongly convinced that every dislike on a Justin Bieber YouTube video warrants a phone call to Dateline NBC. Give it a rest already, kiddy diddlers. This shirt is sure to make your metal peers froth at the mouth for two main reasons: It makes mention of Justin Bieber, which for most is enough, but even worse than that, it also defaces the sacred logo of renowned thrash metal titans. A two for one special.

Rage Rating: (From 1-10, 1 being no rage at all;10 being Metallica getting haircuts) 9.4
Where to buy it: Team Print Shop

2.  iwrestledabearonce- "METAL JUST GOT GAY" in white

Showing any support for deathcore hipster joke group, iwrestledabearonce is already a bad enough case, but this shirt will guarantee to dig that grave twice as deep. First and foremost, it's calling IWABO a "metal" band, a blatant inaccuracy that will piss most metalheads off by itself. Secondly, they are making the claim that their existence in the metal genre has turned the entire artform homosexual. Most metalheads are pretty proud of their manliness and won't take kindly to that statement. We also need to consider that openly gay metal icons have been prominent in the genre for years, and some will take the statement as homophobic and offensive. If all this wasn't bad enough, the shirt comes in white. Bring on the lulz...

Rage Rating: 8.2
Where to buy it: MerchNow

3. Heavy Metal (literally) 

While the shirt is pretty clever, and might be appreciated by some more false light-hearted metal fans, there's something to be said about how douchey geek-chic irony needs to keep its hip hands off our beloved genre. Cute and funny has no place in a deadly and serious metal environment. You're less likely to get a broken face in a death metal mosh pit wearing this shirt as opposed to the two prior, but I wouldn't exactly feel safe with it on either.

Rage Rating: 6.8
Where to buy it: ThinkGeek

4. MetalSucks Merch

MetalSucks is one of my favorite metal sites for news, reviews, interviews, and opinions. I'm sure a good chunk of the community is familiar with the page as well. Despite the blog's crass title leading one to believe the opposite, the editors are clearly metal fans and it is essentially a web site about metal. I guess I could compare this to a "Primus sucks" situation; where those who get it, get it, and those who don't are dumb as shit. Unfortunately, the metal community is full of grown men and high school children who are just dumb as shit. I know this all too well, because I deal with some of their nonsense on a daily basis. If you walk around wearing a shirt saying this, you're going to run into nothing but bozos who think you're flat out making the statement that their favorite genre actually sucks. For those of your peers who are familiar with the page, this shirt could be a 1 on the rage rating, maybe a 2 or 3 if they don't like the site. If you're dealing with your run-of-the-mill slack-jawed headbanger, then this could easily teeter towards a 10-alarm situation. Proceed with caution.

Rage Rating: Potential 1-10, Average of 5.5
Where to buy it: District Lines

5. Anything Bullet for my Valentine 

Good lord man, talk about a death wish. 

Rage Rating: 10
Where to buy it: don't.  


  1. I want that Beiber shirt just to own one. That shit is fucking hilarious.

  2. hahaha Bieber and heavy metal literally arte fucking awesome

  3. Love the BFMV section, although maybe the rage should be slightly lowered considering you may be going to (No idea why you'd want to) a BFMV concert

  4. I don't get it... thay call them self metal fans, but there site name is "Metal sucks"??

  5. I was going to get that thinkgeek one at one point........i think i'll go with the Bieber.......

  6. OK, I admit it; the "literally Heavy Metal" t-shirt made me kind of smile for a second. But I'd rather die before buying it.


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