Shoes, Tight Pants, and Metal Chicks trying to impress...

METALHEAD EDITION

My original intention in creating this blog wasn't to make myself out to be some heavy metal fashionista. The last place I want TNM to start to be is Metal Eye for the Straight Guy. To be honest however, my violation articles specifically about inappropriate attire are the ones that get the most views, as well as reader feedback. I also get a lot of questions about what's appropriate metal fashion and what's not, from readers who I can only assume are concerned that they may or may not fall within the guidelines of my positive judgement. There are times I consider abandoning the rest of my true metal nitpickery and focusing solely on concert fashion and stage garb. People really do care if the shit they put on makes them look metal or not. Even if I really don't.

But what the hell? Who am I to pass up a great opportunity to judge and piss some people off? I took a look at the questions of young TNM reader, Diego Hernandez (nice Irish name), asking me my opinion on three different fashion subjects. Specifically, he wanted to know what my thoughts were regarding "shoes", "girls who wear band shirts to impress guys", and "skinny jeans". I figured why not let loose and tear into these topics, like the most savage of gay spokesmen on the Style network. Let's begin...

1. Shoes

You can't get much more vague than a question like "what is your opinion on shoes?" How about "I think they're good for protecting your feet"? Shoes to me are the barrier between the naked soles of my feet, and all the shards of glass, splinters, poisonous snakes, and syringes infected with AIDS that litter the ground. Not really much else. If you're asking what shoes I think aren't metal, I'll get Chuck Taylors out of the way, first and foremost, without losing any sleep over it. Yeah sure, they used to be pretty metal, but the scenesters long since seized them as a symbol all of their own. Chuck Taylors or Converse All Stars are no longer ours to wear anymore, and that's just the facts. They're an emo kid shoe now. Deal with it. They're like socks with shoe laces, and they fall apart in about 20 minutes of wearing, anyway. Good riddance.

I honestly don't think about shoes too hard. I'll only look at them when the person who wears them has a weird growth on their face or something, and I have to admire something else about them. But now that I'm actually considering it, there are a lot of shoes that enrage me. Sandals I don't think are ever okay, but worst of all being big platform goth boots with buckles running up all the way to your thighs and gooch. Take that shit off. We also got moccasins. That's a great look, Heap-um Big Chief Doucheslippers. Then there are those skater shoes that are like 6-feet wide a piece. They're like the chode of shoes.

The most metal shoe you can ever wear is a steel-toed boot. Get it? And that's my footwear humor... 

2. "Girls who wear band shirts to impress guys"

What? Do you mean all of them? 

Come now ladies, I only tease. You all get so cute when you're mad. This sounds like a personal problem from your end, Diego. Did some floozy break your poor young heart when you found out she wasn't as trv and kvlt as she was leading you on to believe? Be that the case, I feel for you brother. There are a lot of girls that like Avenged Sevenfold out there, so it has happened to many of us. You should realize however, that poseur is a status that easily transcends gender. There are plenty of guys out there, as well as females, who are wearing metal band shirts that they don't deserve to. Take "Alucard" as a flawlessly perfect example:

Is this tool the kind of guy you want going around wearing a Dio shirt, disagreeing with me like it's possible? Didn't think so. What a disgusting way to shame the late great name of Dio by letting this evolutionary failure walk the earth wearing his merchandise. You might as well be pinching a loaf on Ronnie James' grave. Unfortunately, Dio shirts are widely available all around the world, and can be freely purchased by anyone who wants to wear them. Even butt pirates like this Alutard. Until proper restrictions are put in place, (jsrdirect.com still won't return my calls about that) anybody who's anybody can put on a t-shirt of a metal band. It's up to you as a true keeper of the faith to ask the right questions and figure out yourself whether or not they are a person deemed worthy to wear said apparel. If you meet a chick that's full of shit in her band shirt wearing, then proceed to use em and lose em. 

3. Skinny Jeans

Skinny jeans have become a predominantly scenester trademark over the years, much like Converse All Stars, and I've never personally been too huge on them (or in them). However, it's a fashion statement that is far too prominent in the heavy metal genre to outright disregard as false or unmetal to wear. It's all about context with skinny jeans. For example, if you look at the above photograph, everything about this guy's apparel should give you a justifiable urge to commit homicide. However to say that skinny jeans are unmetal in general would be to snub the thrash metal genre in its entirety. Even I don't have the power of true metal attorney to do that, regardless if I ever briefly criticized tight pants in the past. Tight denim is still friggin metal. No amount of pinched under-developed emo kid nuts can ever change that fact...

VIOLATOR representing in full nad-crushing glory.

I would take a tight-pair of slim jeans over a pair of saggy, baggy Hot Topic street sweepers any day of the week. I would strongly consider wearing tight jeans sometime myself, in order to properly represent the days of speed metal old school, but I need a whole lot more room for my fat ass colossal wang and planet-sized dude orbs to move about comfortably. It's just an anatomical limitation.

I hope that answers your questions Diego. Go forth and be metal.