Metal Videos that Mess with your Boner (NSFW)

Sexuality and smokin' hot babes have been a constant theme in Heavy Metal music videos and the genre in general. Unfortunately, so have fat old hairy dudes with weird faces. These are the musicians, and unfortunately, they are quite necessary. So there are a good deal of music videos out there that switch between the first thing I want to see in a heightened state of arousal, and then the very last thing I want to see. Which one of those does which for me is up to you to figure out. The video will switch back and forth between the two extremes constantly, and my confused chubby is maintained at a frustrated half-mast for the duration of the video. These are some good examples of videos that keep getting you up, only to keep kicking you down. 

Suicide Girls provided the models for this video, and that place is one the bess... websites of all time. So long as you know where to find its content without paying anything for it. Due to the site's emphasis on "true beauty", it features everything from galleries of sexy pierced goth chicks, to tattooed beluga whales in g-strings. Unfortunately, the latter is not featured in the video for Probot - Shake Your Blood. I guess I'll just have to make due. This video is remarkably cruel as it will show you skanky alternative dames tongue jabbing and paddling each other, only to cut straight to an extreme close-up of Lemmy's gnarled mutton chops and beastly moles snarling in your face. Thanks, but no thanks. 

How do you ruin the image of a naked woman crawling on all fours while wearing a chain leash? Have Galder's mustache on the other end. Buh.

Can't say that Motley Crue is anything related to true metal, (don't tell VH1 I said that), but when it came to carrying a music video solely on dancing scantily-clad broads, the glam rock genre made that more of an art form than it ever did music. Girls, Girls, Girls was the type of video that got a lot of angry moms trying to storm the walls of glory days MTV with bibles and picket signs in hand. It is a pretty hot video, but nothing puts your one-eyed beast to sleep quite like the puckered-lip look of satisfaction on Vince Neil's stupid face every time we briefly enjoy a close up of some sweet 80's chick butt.

EDIT: SEMARGL - "Tak, Kurwa" video has since been removed from YouTube (of course), watch it HERE.

I am happily surprised that there are still some dark corners of YouTube where a metal band can get away with this sort of smut in a music video. Awesome. Not so awesome is industrial black metallers SEMARGL with their shitty music and grown men wearing leather skirts. I get to enjoy some kinky les nun action every few seconds, and even bare beautiful knockers, only to have a glimpse of some scraggly chin beard, dude tongue, yellow teeth, and invisible grape fruit man hands screw it all up. RIP my woody.



We're back in the strip club with generic deathcore blowhards, Winds of Plague for The Impaler music video. Looking at mandatory babe on keyboard at the time, Kristen Randall just on her own, certainly makes most of us want to impale something, if you catch my drift. Some slow-motion strippers make the video a two for one special. Then we have hoody-wearing Hardcore Hands Mcgee over here, Johnny Plague getting all in your face like this is a circa-89 NWA video. Dudes flailing their arms like enraged chimps hardly does it for me.

So take note metal bands, if you want to treat us fans to some busty eye-candy, keep yourselves out of the mix. For the sake of all of our stiffies. Thanks.