"Responsible" Parenting

Not pictured here.

So, a month or so ago, I decided to go to the Big 4. Now, I just bought a general admission ticket (because I felt like being there for a moment in metal history, instead of sitting home doing nothing at all like most of you will inevitably decide to do), but being the super epic force of trv metal royalty that I so unquestionably am, the Trv Metal Gods bestowed upon me not one, but two VIP guest passes for free. This basically means I got to hang out in the nice VIP section with sofas and busty bartenders and cut to the front row if I felt like it.

So, Anthrax was good but not great, Megadeth played well but were kinda stiff on stage, and Slayer… Slayer actually kicked ass. I thought they were done after the first time I saw them, but they’re still reigning. Anyway, so Metallica’s about to go on in 10, and naturally my friend and I pull out our weed, lighters, pipes, etc, and get ready to watch Metallica the way they’re supposed to be watched: under the influence of a mind-altering substance. Well, we had smoked about three bowls before, out of nowhere, I feel an unnecessarily hard tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see a middle aged man in a white t-shirt and beige baseball cap, giving me the frown of disapproval and demanding that either I put away my weed or relocate to a less perfect spot. Why? Because his kids were there and he didn’t want them to know about drugs yet.

HEY YOU PUNKS! Quit exposing my kids to reality! 

Naturally, he was immediately struck down with a bolt of blazing gold by the Trv Metal Gods for such shameless insolence.

I mean, really? These people are allowed to exist? This idiot took his children with him to The Big 4 show, brought them into the VIP section where the sound waves are likely to make them go prematurely deaf, and then tries to get all uppity with me and my friend for smoking pot? Does this guy realize who he paid to see? Am I the only one that’s not too retarded to see the fractures in this guy’s shattered logic? It’s not like we were lighting up at a Jonas Brothers concert, this is the Big 4. Not just Metallica, but Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax. Those bands have a world famous affinity for binge drinking, amphetamines, cocaine and more, and this insult to crack babies everywhere is giving us shit for smoking cannabis?

Um, excuse me, but I’m not the one who brought my spawn to a Slayer show. It’s not like anything I’m doing besmirches the once proud, family-friendly names of Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer or Anthrax. What could you possibly have expected when you showed up? That everyone else at the show sold out their hopes and dreams just like you, and that we’re all too afraid of what our Trace Adkins loving wives are going to say or do to take a hit?

Kill yourself.

How he could bring himself to look a 21 year old Southern California dweller in the eyes and tell them to stop smoking weed for his kids’ sake, and not only keep a straight face but speak with real conviction, is completely beyond me. This is unacceptable. Heavy Metal would not exist if it weren’t for the 420 friendly. I dare someone to try and suggest that Black Sabbath’s audience was ever primarily sober, middle aged, white picket fence married couples, and not stoners. As for your kids, I couldn’t give a half-ounce of shit if they become tweakers and rob you and your bitch wife at screwdriver-point for meth money at 4:20 AM in ten years. Nobody gives a rat’s nutsack about your children or their well being, except you. That being said, here’s an idea: if you don’t want your 9 year old children to be corrupted by the evils of the modern world, how about you don’t take them to a goddamn metal show. Slayer’s lyrical content is exclusively about Satan and Murder. Oh yeah, immortalizing Jeffrey Dahmer and glorifying all that is evil and unholy in the world, that’s all fine and dandy, but two young men smoking a natural growing cash crop so that they can get the most out of their first time seeing the most successful metal band in the world? Let’s not get TOO crazy.

WORSE THAN MURDER.

If you are metal and have children, good for you. But if you ever, EVER walk up to me and tell me to put out my weed because you don’t want your ugly progeny asking you about it, I will put you through an entire spectrum of agony you could never begin to conceive, and you will probably die, slowly, painfully, and as a disfigured ruin of your former self too hideous for anyone to love. Mark my words.

Note: I will have it be known that I completely share Slayer's enthusiasm for all that is evil and unholy, as well as any other metal band that likes to preach the ever-glorious word of Satan. I'm just a little bewildered as to how smoking herb could be considered a more serious offense by anyone.

-Xandemic