Friday, May 27, 2011

"Responsible" Parenting

Not pictured here.
So, a month or so ago, I decided to go to the Big 4. Now, I just bought a general admission ticket (because I felt like being there for a moment in metal history, instead of sitting home doing nothing at all like most of you will inevitably decide to do), but being the super epic force of trv metal royalty that I so unquestionably am, the Trv Metal Gods bestowed upon me not one, but two VIP guest passes for free. This basically means I got to hang out in the nice VIP section with sofas and busty bartenders and cut to the front row if I felt like it.

So, Anthrax was good but not great, Megadeth played well but were kinda stiff on stage, and Slayer… Slayer actually kicked ass. I thought they were done after the first time I saw them, but they’re still reigning. Anyway, so Metallica’s about to go on in 10, and naturally my friend and I pull out our weed, lighters, pipes, etc, and get ready to watch Metallica the way they’re supposed to be watched: under the influence of a mind-altering substance. Well, we had smoked about three bowls before, out of nowhere, I feel an unnecessarily hard tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see a middle aged man in a white t-shirt and beige baseball cap, giving me the frown of disapproval and demanding that either I put away my weed or relocate to a less perfect spot. Why? Because his kids were there and he didn’t want them to know about drugs yet.
HEY YOU PUNKS! Quit exposing my kids to reality! 
Naturally, he was immediately struck down with a bolt of blazing gold by the Trv Metal Gods for such shameless insolence.

I mean, really? These people are allowed to exist? This idiot took his children with him to The Big 4 show, brought them into the VIP section where the sound waves are likely to make them go prematurely deaf, and then tries to get all uppity with me and my friend for smoking pot? Does this guy realize who he paid to see? Am I the only one that’s not too retarded to see the fractures in this guy’s shattered logic? It’s not like we were lighting up at a Jonas Brothers concert, this is the Big 4. Not just Metallica, but Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax. Those bands have a world famous affinity for binge drinking, amphetamines, cocaine and more, and this insult to crack babies everywhere is giving us shit for smoking cannabis?

Um, excuse me, but I’m not the one who brought my spawn to a Slayer show. It’s not like anything I’m doing besmirches the once proud, family-friendly names of Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer or Anthrax. What could you possibly have expected when you showed up? That everyone else at the show sold out their hopes and dreams just like you, and that we’re all too afraid of what our Trace Adkins loving wives are going to say or do to take a hit?

Kill yourself.

How he could bring himself to look a 21 year old Southern California dweller in the eyes and tell them to stop smoking weed for his kids’ sake, and not only keep a straight face but speak with real conviction, is completely beyond me. This is unacceptable. Heavy Metal would not exist if it weren’t for the 420 friendly. I dare someone to try and suggest that Black Sabbath’s audience was ever primarily sober, middle aged, white picket fence married couples, and not stoners. As for your kids, I couldn’t give a half-ounce of shit if they become tweakers and rob you and your bitch wife at screwdriver-point for meth money at 4:20 AM in ten years. Nobody gives a rat’s nutsack about your children or their well being, except you. That being said, here’s an idea: if you don’t want your 9 year old children to be corrupted by the evils of the modern world, how about you don’t take them to a goddamn metal show. Slayer’s lyrical content is exclusively about Satan and Murder. Oh yeah, immortalizing Jeffrey Dahmer and glorifying all that is evil and unholy in the world, that’s all fine and dandy, but two young men smoking a natural growing cash crop so that they can get the most out of their first time seeing the most successful metal band in the world? Let’s not get TOO crazy.
WORSE THAN MURDER.

If you are metal and have children, good for you. But if you ever, EVER walk up to me and tell me to put out my weed because you don’t want your ugly progeny asking you about it, I will put you through an entire spectrum of agony you could never begin to conceive, and you will probably die, slowly, painfully, and as a disfigured ruin of your former self too hideous for anyone to love. Mark my words.

Note: I will have it be known that I completely share Slayer's enthusiasm for all that is evil and unholy, as well as any other metal band that likes to preach the ever-glorious word of Satan. I'm just a little bewildered as to how smoking herb could be considered a more serious offense by anyone.

-Xandemic

26 comments:

  1. Infidel smokes pot! yay!

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  2. Funfact: I smoked my fist blunt with my dad at a Slayer show. Megadeth and Anthrax were there also. METAL

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  3. @Andrew, he used to about 7 years ago, have you not watched his QandA videos?

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  4. So basically you're butt hurt because you and your faggot friend were asked to get the fuck away from someone? If anything that dad was probably more metal then you two.
    "No way man! I can smoke pot where I want!" - What a bunch of homos.

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  5. The dad took his kids to a show with slayer. He deserves nothing but contempt.

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  6. Doom, I was watching Metallica. Are you seriously trying to tell me that I should move from the center spot I had to force my way into just so some douchebag can watch them without having to explain pot to his kids? Because that's pretty fucking retarded.

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  7. Greg, your dad > Doom's dad.

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  8. Let me get this straight... You're mad that someone yelled at you for doing something illegal?

    "But the bands do it too and also the music is loud!" - That's akin to a 7 year-old saying "But mom, he started it!" You sir, are extremely immature and could go for an healthy dose of grow-the-fuck-up.

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  9. Or you could decide to not read/comment some random guy's blog post on the internet, Mr. Moral Authority.

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  10. Andy Dan is a faggot ass emo kid for having a problem with breaking the law. Everyone knows the law is for fags.

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  11. Mayhaps Andy Dan and Doom should go make out at all teh drug free metal shows. OMFG you guise is so hardcore and cool clean body clean mind and don't afraid of anything.

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  12. OMGZZZZZ POT IS BAD IT'S ILLEGAL U ADDICTED STONER YER GONA GROW HAR ON YER HANDS ANF BURN YOR BRAIN OMG OMG OMG POT WIL KILL U IT WIL FUCKENN KILLL U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT LEADS TO OTHER DRUGS LIKE HERON AD CRACK AND CRYSTUL METH ALSO IT WILL MAKE U GO INSANE AMD MAK UR HAIR FALL OUT OMGZ U GONNA GO TO HELL

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  13. I think those guys meant to go to a straightedge show, that's the type of faggyness that i read in the comments at a review for the show. I think somewhere middle class America heard "Metallica is cool" ok let's go take the kids, maybe they can play "I Disappear" and a Bieber cover.
    I didn't even know it was a month ago until about a week ago........even so it was probably over $100, probably would have sucked (as i heard) and probably would have been way in the back since it was in fucking Indio of all places!
    Where do you find this magical spot anyway? I expect the entire crowd to be filled with this stuff. Also can't you just say "they're smoking" and that be the end of it? Who says you have to tell your little squirt anything?
    Even gayer than saying something is showing up at a random blog to bitch about it even further, shouldn't they be taking their kid to disneyland or something?

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  14. What the fuck are you faggots talking about?
    I couldn't care less if you were injecting a baby with meth - Your just complaining because somebody didn't like you? Yeah that's definitely metal.
    Also I like the way all the faggots who smoke weed are befriending you - Your like a big group of buddies, huh?

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  16. Doom, I don't like you. Whatcha gonna do about it?

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  17. Doom is just mad because he doesnt have any friends

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  18. @Andrey47 Why would he be angry because he has no friends? Having friends "Isn't metal". Lol

    @Xandemic I doubt he'll get all ass hurt like you:)

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  19. who the fuck is doom ?

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  20. James Thomson11/05/2011 9:23 PM

    I had front row for Slayer and Anthrax earlier this year. Had a massive-ass joint for each one. Nobody gave a shit, thankfully. Fuck, a security guard actually helped me roll one.

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  21. Most parents would get mad at you if you were doing drugs in front of their kids dumbass. maybe he shouldn't have taken his kids in the first place, but thats a completely normal and expected reaction

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  22. Fucking retarded. I smoke pot in front of my kids, same as I drink beer in front of them. IE, not a lot as it goes, but I don't make *any* effort to hide it. I certainly don't expect other people, strangers, to go out of their way for them either.

    Not explaining adult things to kids is for pussies and cowards, and expecting others to in a situation you brought them into is for needy cunts. End of.

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  23. doom's right, this is pretty fucking not metal. getting excited for metallica? getting pissed off cuz somebody doesnt like weed? smoking weed not because you want to, but because its metal? saying heavy metal exists because of weed? getting mad at somebody for exposing their kids to heavy metal? this just screams poser. i think it might be that he didnt want his kids to smell like burned out ass. and ya, he knew what he was getting into. remember you said you got blessed with two free VIP tickets? this motherfucker was a big enough fan to actually purchase them for him and his kid, while you "just bought a general admission ticket because [you] felt like being there for a moment in metal history". he actually liked the bands enough to purchase the VIP tickets to try to get his kids to care too, while you were there cuz its "trv" metal. but how dare he tell a "21 year old southern california dweller" not to smoke weed. fuck off cunt, you're a poser, we dont want you here.

    harry, do you hide your jerking off from your kids? i bet not, cuz "Not explaining adult things to kids is for pussies and cowards" maybe i should jerk off in front of your kids cuz you "certainly don't expect other people, strangers, to go out of their way for them either"

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    Replies
    1. NocturnalTerror5/01/2012 8:41 AM

      Dude, you're fucking retarded. This shit happens at concerts, deal with it.

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  24. favorite article. and now i finally know the only way to listen to metallica without feeling like a metal violator, dopeeeeee.

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  25. Did you type this article with tears in your eyes and a pocket full of hurt feelings? It certainly seems like it.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.