Judas Priest's new guitarist

Do you remember a few weeks ago when Judas Priest announced that K.K. Downing decided to retire from Judas Priest just months before the start of their farewell, EPITAPH World Tour, so that we (I) can only assume he will join his fellow senile senior citizens in the nursing home where he will forever be graced with atrocious acoustic renditions of hootenanny music of his childhood, delicious meals of creamed corn and Salisbury steak, fellow geriatrics screaming at walls, and praying for loved ones that never come? Well, read it now before you move on.

Judas Priest, the Metal Gods, replaced the decrepit Downing with Richie Faulkner. Brothers and sisters, I apologize for not doing my research beforehand. This is actually much worse than I first realized.

Faulkner just so happens to be the lead guitarist and backing vocalist for the Lauren Harris band. For those of you not in the know, this is the same Lauren Harris that spawned from perhaps the greatest bassist in all of metal: Steve Harris. Unfortunately, her music falls far short of the greatness that one would assume she would be capable of producing. But, that is neither here nor there.

For your visual stimulation, I have several other links to Richie Faulkner work below, but I warn you, they are not for the faint of heart, women who are or may become pregnant, as well as those with high blood pressure. In the rare event that an erection lasts more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Now that you realize what it is us metalheads will have the pleasure of seeing at any one of their EPITAPH performances, I now present you with the official poster for the tour. You may have to strain your eyes.

 Look closely:

Look closelier:

 

Look more closlier:

It appears he never read the memo that snakebites are not cool. Not only does he don the snakebite look, he also has blonde highlights and gives the asshole glam guitarist pucker face to the camera. I am now officially disappointed.