Shaving

The man's tampon.

I don't think you understand. Of course you don't. If you did, you would realize that the music I listen to is so progressive and thought-provoking, that you're going to spend the majority of your time deeply contemplating its meaning. So much time in fact, that you're not even going to have any for yourself to waste shaving your face. Also, anyone with a savage beard will tell you, that stroking said beard only better assists you during the musical contemplation process. I can't imagine a world of awesome metal music without one. Which is why if you don't have one, guess what club we're kicking your bald, baby-smooth ass out of?

Skeletonwitch's Nate Garnette = Epic Ginger Beard

The Beard Club? Wrong again, pussy. Our club starts with a "T" and ends with a "rue Metal". Unfortunately, our club doesn't have any spots available for baby-faced little bitches. We filled them all up with men who don't spend their entire mornings trying to look like a woman. Get a clue, you fairy-dick sell out. Sit down and let the main man explain to you why you and your face sucks if it isn't wrought with awesome, gnarly hair.  

So before we figure out why you're a wuss for shaving your face, we first need to cover why exactly men shave. This requires me explaining a brief bit of history to you, because not only is Brenocide metal as holy hell, he's also smart as shit. Way back in the day, having a beard was not only totally acceptable, in some religions it was a requirement. I'm all about sticking it to God in whatever way I can, but this was before everybody figured out science, and could disprove everything that any holy book explained ever, so it was cool. I mean, even Darwin had a sweet beard, so beards were okay with everybody back then. I digress. It's not like anyone could do anything about beards anyway. Even when cutting tool technology was refined and the straight razor was invented, it was very dangerous to use and most men had to be shaved by a professional. This was more of a luxury reserved for the wealthy, so most dudes were like "I'd rather feed my family and keep my sweet, curly stache, thanks." 

Back when men were men. 

Then, World War I ruined everything. It was the first great war to utilize chemical warfare, and in order for a gas mask to fit properly, soldiers had to shave their faces. Gillette patented the "safety razor" back in 1901. It was cheap, not super deadly, and made it possible and affordable for your average Joe to shave his own face every day. Gillette cut a deal with the military, made their safety razor part of every American soldier's standard issue gear, and became the official U.S sponsor of killing Germans. When our boys returned home, they were greeted as heroes. Having a bald face became synonymous with being a war legend. As such, the men that were clean-shaven got all the jobs, made all the money, and most importantly, got all the ass. So then all the other men started shaving to get in on that action, and the concept of the modern American poseur was established: people pretending to be something they're not, so that they could look cool. Shaving your face is essentially pretending to be a World War I veteran. You and I both know that's not the case.

So from the 1920's onward, shaving your face became the standard expectation for men in a professional and social environment, and beards were largely out of fashion until dirty hippies brought them back in the 60's and 70's. Even still, having a beard is no longer associated with being a man's man, but just one that is lazy and doesn't give a shit about his appearance. Fortunately for you, a true metal attitude is largely based on being a man's man and not giving a shit, so having a sweet beard should just come naturally to you with no formal direction. The longer and more gnarled your beard, the less you give a shit, and therefore the more prominent your status in the elite metal community.

This dude's beard is pretty rad. Whoever he is.

Despite my opinion on the matter, many prominent figures in the metal community still keep their faces bald. I completely recognize this, and if anyone of you smug grabasses brings up any clean-shaven metal artists, thinking it will cleverly debunk my statements, (per usual violation post comments) then you are officially retarded. While I'm at it, I don't know where you sniveling worms get off using the metal musicians you fantasize about orally servicing for autographs to try and argue against me. I devote every second of my life convincing myself that I am leagues more metal than the next chump. Regardless of his fame, status, or musical skill. "But the guys from Cattle Decapitation are vegan!" Good. If I'm not, it means I'm more metal than them. Way to completely miss the point of elitism, mongoloid. Here's some examples to drive home just how super elite my ivory tower of true metal is:

• Dio - Imagine a world where Dio spent all that effort he put into shaving his face, instead into making his music even better. People would stop writing music because there wouldn't be a point anymore. It would be just that ultimate.
• Manowar - Despite being the quintessential warlords of true metal, Manowar don't scare me. If they all had beards however, I'd be terrified. Scott Columbus is dead, so I have nothing to worry about now. Bring it, DeMaio. 
• Dave Mustaine - He had a goatee briefly, but dropped it when he realized his music wasn't metal enough. 
• George Fisher - Sort of has to shave, because if he didn't, his nose hair and his chest hair would merge with one another, essentially covering the very little anatomy that's in between. 

We're still cool Corpsegrinder. 

Besides shaving due to concern over their professional appearance (which should never concern you as a metalhead, ever), men also shave for one other very significant reason: the ladies like it. I'm all about you getting that action as much as anyone of your other gentleman friends, but seriously, what a load of garbage. Do you want to know why your woman complains about kissing you when you have facial hair? Because she's a lesbian in denial. Either that or she hates her father, or some weird psychological shit like that. Look ladies, if your face hurts too much from kissing a guy with a beard, then your pain threshold is pathetic. Which additionally means that sex with you is going to be slow, lame and careful; and you're also not an optimum vessel for birth giving. There goes my instinctual sense of attraction down the toilet. Dude, your whiny girlfriend probably can't appreciate the genius of Gorguts anyway. Ditch the bitch. Any woman worth her salt wouldn't mind making out with a face full of hair one bit. Upstairs or down. 

What it's like to sit across the table from every woman's fantasy. 

I'm not really going to get into the logistics of beard sculptings, trimmings and styles. I think we'll all agree that Lemmy Kilmister's mutton chops are undeniably epic to all extremes, so one doesn't necessarily have to have a full beard to remain looking metal and awesome. At this point, I would advise you to use your discretion. There are certainly things you can do to your facial hair that will make you look like a total douchebag, so if you're going to stylize it, consult with your fellow metalheads first to make sure you won't end up looking like a fruit. For instance, tiny chin beards will make you look like a gay gnome. Don't do that. 

However, in terms of true metal status, I say altogether, baby faces be damned. If you're like 14 or a late bloomer, whatever bro, I'll go with the assumption that you're working on it. 

True Metal Redemption:

If you want to shave so bad, you might as well be a man about it and not use the same razor your girlfriend would on her tender female zone. DO IT.

P.S,

Will Ferrell is NOT METAL.