Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Shaving

The man's tampon.
I don't think you understand. Of course you don't. If you did, you would realize that the music I listen to is so progressive and thought-provoking, that you're going to spend the majority of your time deeply contemplating its meaning. So much time in fact, that you're not even going to have any for yourself to waste shaving your face. Also, anyone with a savage beard will tell you, that stroking said beard only better assists you during the musical contemplation process. I can't imagine a world of awesome metal music without one. Which is why if you don't have one, guess what club we're kicking your bald, baby-smooth ass out of?

Skeletonwitch's Nate Garnette = Epic Ginger Beard
The Beard Club? Wrong again, pussy. Our club starts with a "T" and ends with a "rue Metal". Unfortunately, our club doesn't have any spots available for baby-faced little bitches. We filled them all up with men who don't spend their entire mornings trying to look like a woman. Get a clue, you fairy-dick sell out. Sit down and let the main man explain to you why you and your face sucks if it isn't wrought with awesome, gnarly hair.  

So before we figure out why you're a wuss for shaving your face, we first need to cover why exactly men shave. This requires me explaining a brief bit of history to you, because not only is Brenocide metal as holy hell, he's also smart as shit. Way back in the day, having a beard was not only totally acceptable, in some religions it was a requirement. I'm all about sticking it to God in whatever way I can, but this was before everybody figured out science, and could disprove everything that any holy book explained ever, so it was cool. I mean, even Darwin had a sweet beard, so beards were okay with everybody back then. I digress. It's not like anyone could do anything about beards anyway. Even when cutting tool technology was refined and the straight razor was invented, it was very dangerous to use and most men had to be shaved by a professional. This was more of a luxury reserved for the wealthy, so most dudes were like "I'd rather feed my family and keep my sweet, curly stache, thanks." 
Back when men were men. 
Then, World War I ruined everything. It was the first great war to utilize chemical warfare, and in order for a gas mask to fit properly, soldiers had to shave their faces. Gillette patented the "safety razor" back in 1901. It was cheap, not super deadly, and made it possible and affordable for your average Joe to shave his own face every day. Gillette cut a deal with the military, made their safety razor part of every American soldier's standard issue gear, and became the official U.S sponsor of killing Germans. When our boys returned home, they were greeted as heroes. Having a bald face became synonymous with being a war legend. As such, the men that were clean-shaven got all the jobs, made all the money, and most importantly, got all the ass. So then all the other men started shaving to get in on that action, and the concept of the modern American poseur was established: people pretending to be something they're not, so that they could look cool. Shaving your face is essentially pretending to be a World War I veteran. You and I both know that's not the case.

So from the 1920's onward, shaving your face became the standard expectation for men in a professional and social environment, and beards were largely out of fashion until dirty hippies brought them back in the 60's and 70's. Even still, having a beard is no longer associated with being a man's man, but just one that is lazy and doesn't give a shit about his appearance. Fortunately for you, a true metal attitude is largely based on being a man's man and not giving a shit, so having a sweet beard should just come naturally to you with no formal direction. The longer and more gnarled your beard, the less you give a shit, and therefore the more prominent your status in the elite metal community.
This dude's beard is pretty rad. Whoever he is.
Despite my opinion on the matter, many prominent figures in the metal community still keep their faces bald. I completely recognize this, and if anyone of you smug grabasses brings up any clean-shaven metal artists, thinking it will cleverly debunk my statements, (per usual violation post comments) then you are officially retarded. While I'm at it, I don't know where you sniveling worms get off using the metal musicians you fantasize about orally servicing for autographs to try and argue against me. I devote every second of my life convincing myself that I am leagues more metal than the next chump. Regardless of his fame, status, or musical skill. "But the guys from Cattle Decapitation are vegan!" Good. If I'm not, it means I'm more metal than them. Way to completely miss the point of elitism, mongoloid. Here's some examples to drive home just how super elite my ivory tower of true metal is:

  • Dio - Imagine a world where Dio spent all that effort he put into shaving his face, instead into making his music even better. People would stop writing music because there wouldn't be a point anymore. It would be just that ultimate.
  • Manowar - Despite being the quintessential warlords of true metal, Manowar don't scare me. If they all had beards however, I'd be terrified. Scott Columbus is dead, so I have nothing to worry about now. Bring it, DeMaio. 
  • Dave Mustaine - He had a goatee briefly, but dropped it when he realized his music wasn't metal enough. 
  • George Fisher - Sort of has to shave, because if he didn't, his nose hair and his chest hair would merge with one another, essentially covering the very little anatomy that's in between. 

We're still cool Corpsegrinder. 
Besides shaving due to concern over their professional appearance (which should never concern you as a metalhead, ever), men also shave for one other very significant reason: the ladies like it. I'm all about you getting that action as much as anyone of your other gentleman friends, but seriously, what a load of garbage. Do you want to know why your woman complains about kissing you when you have facial hair? Because she's a lesbian in denial. Either that or she hates her father, or some weird psychological shit like that. Look ladies, if your face hurts too much from kissing a guy with a beard, then your pain threshold is pathetic. Which additionally means that sex with you is going to be slow, lame and careful; and you're also not an optimum vessel for birth giving. There goes my instinctual sense of attraction down the toilet. Dude, your whiny girlfriend probably can't appreciate the genius of Gorguts anyway. Ditch the bitch. Any woman worth her salt wouldn't mind making out with a face full of hair one bit. Upstairs or down. 

What it's like to sit across the table from every woman's fantasy. 
I'm not really going to get into the logistics of beard sculptings, trimmings and styles. I think we'll all agree that Lemmy Kilmister's mutton chops are undeniably epic to all extremes, so one doesn't necessarily have to have a full beard to remain looking metal and awesome. At this point, I would advise you to use your discretion. There are certainly things you can do to your facial hair that will make you look like a total douchebag, so if you're going to stylize it, consult with your fellow metalheads first to make sure you won't end up looking like a fruit. For instance, tiny chin beards will make you look like a gay gnome. Don't do that. 

However, in terms of true metal status, I say altogether, baby faces be damned. If you're like 14 or a late bloomer, whatever bro, I'll go with the assumption that you're working on it. 

True Metal Redemption:


If you want to shave so bad, you might as well be a man about it and not use the same razor your girlfriend would on her tender female zone. DO IT.

P.S,
Will Ferrell is NOT METAL.


49 comments:

  1. What about those of us who due to some shitty genetics can only grow some abysmal variety of fluffy neckbeard?

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  2. Hahah oh shit Infidel Amsterdam :D but tell me Brenocide, what about those that don't have the ability to grow an epic beard as Johan Hegg, like myself? :(

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  3. The 'Every womans fantasy' Photo is InfidelAmsterdam from Youtube, what a place to see him pop up!

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  4. I saw Johan Hegg's majestic beard on Sunday and Since then I have made a pact with myself to never shave again...

    Also, that Will Ferrell bit made me laugh for some reason.

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  5. sorry to bring this up, but i'm a woman! how on earth am i going to get a beard?! still, I completely agree on the fact that Infidel Amsterdam is every woman's fantasy :)

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  6. I'm sixteen, so I still shave in order to bet my face pubes up the the maximum thickness. Though, right now, I have a few face pubes because I tried to grow the manliest beard I could in honor of the Amon Amarth concert I went to see Sunday. It just...did not seem up to par with everyone else there though. Including the fat goth chicks'.

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  7. By the way, Skeletonwitch is one word, not two...

    and @ Greg: Hahaha that concert was fucking great. Where were you? Mighta seen you... Unlikely though, that place was fucking packed.

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  8. Nice one Brenocide, I see you left out the part about how you have no facial hair whatsoever. Don't get pissy and make up some smart-ass response that's a paragraph long or anything, just pointing out the obvious for any people who've seen your picture on face book. Baby face lulz.

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  9. SOO-ISYDE. I've already di-yeed. Yo just the fyoonrul I been waytin FOWAH. CYANIYEED. Living dayd insiyed. Break this emptay shell FO-EVAH-MOW.

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  10. Haha when I saw Cyanides name that song immediately came to mind.

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  11. If Infidel is every woman's fantasy, why don't I get more action. My beard rules and I only get dudes going "Hey man, nice beard." I didn't stop shaving for men to be envious of how tough I look, I stopped so women would be impressed by how little I give a fuck.

    ...Hey Paula, ;-D (That's my internet flirty face).

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  12. Don't even know what song you're talking about, care to link it? Sometimes it's nice to listen to shit like reggae for a good laugh at how it's supposed to be serious.

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  13. Yeah, it's by some shitty band you've probably never heard of:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUMqqVOlJBs

    It will be your new entrance music.

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  14. Beards are the sexiest thing ever. On dudes.

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  15. ^ Beards on gals don't quite cut it no...
    As soon as I get a job I don't have shave for I'm going to grow a massive beehive on my face. Until then I prefer the neccesary money over epic face fungus, unmetal as that may be :(

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  16. So Brenocide tell us about your huge and manly beard please. You could even post a photo of it to serve as a an example of trve metal beardness for the lesser readers of this blog.

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  17. @ Rasmus
    You could also enjoy this death metal song in the meantime
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxL0QLvauBU

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  18. You got me on that one. I hate that band. They're by far unworthy of that great name and all that comes with it.

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  19. *inserts metal band member with no facial hair*

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  20. Ewww, metallica. I'd prefer Pursuit of Vikings to be my entrance music.

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  21. @Toxic Waltz: See, I wish I could do that. But I'm actually an undercover skinny scene chick with pierced lips, gauges, dreadlocks, and a love for beanies. I don't want to spoil the surprise.

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  22. I tried growing a kind of beard but I shaved as at the age of 17 it just looks like face pubes.

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  23. my entrance music was belphegor

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  24. @Cyanide 'Course you'd 'prefer' Pursuit of vikings, but you'll settle for Korn right?

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  25. I wish I could grow a beard. All I can do is a shitty neckbeard, and it looks horrible. Fuck you genetics.

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  26. @jake66 Do you honestly think I listen to shit like Korn after I bring up Amon Amarth? You've just single-handedly desecrated this entire page and completely offended me and all the other metalheads reading the comments. Feel proud of yourself? Good, now go back to your Bullet for my Valentine. I might as well list a shitty band too now that you're doing it. See what you've started?

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  27. @Cyanide You sound like a butthurt Avenged sevenfold fan right now.
    It was obviously a little joke from Jake66 and you act all butthurt about it.

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  28. @Cyanide You wouldn't happen to be a member of Sonic Syndicate, would you?

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  29. yay, everyone is being troll bait! Time to eat.

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  30. http://i611.photobucket.com/albums/tt192/djeumdewq/what-trolls-want-you-to-believe.png

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  31. Perfect example of a fail troll above me.

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  32. JesusIsNotMetal

    What if you look like a terrorist/Hisidic Jew with a big beard. Don't think I can grow a beard without being noticed by everybody I pass.

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  33. Google Image Search "Death Cab For Cutie" or "The Decemberists" and see if you can figure out which one is Brenocide.

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  34. I'm working on it...

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  35. Speaking from the woman's point of view. I prefer my mine with a beard. All wild man style. Just saying.

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  36. Here's a hint, I'm the one that writes ApocaLips' favorite music.

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  37. @cyanide, Your the one trolling dude, you could have been a man, admitted defeat and walked away, instead you cry like a bitch and admit to listening to BFMV in the same post, Bravo you sir!

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  38. TY TNM for setting me straight, all this money and time wasted trying to find a combo that didn't give me razor bump, all the hassle after going weeks without shaving, i let my Kings playoff beard grow as long as i ever have and i think i'll keep it. When i buzz my head i'll use that machine on my beard if i feel like, much easier and i can be a bit more "true". And yes playing with the beard while in deep thought was pretty sweet.....

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  39. I knew it...I have always known it.
    Finally some recognition.
    :-p

    Lol!

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  40. You are all a bunch of noodle armed virgin faggots. Go fuck yourselves like you do every night, alone in your basement. Beard? BEARD? Shut the fuck up. It's not 1985. And you are all huge fucking ponce fakers with little dicks. Yeah, I'm bad ass 'cos I'm on the internet at my mom's house.

    GET LAID.

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    Replies
    1. We do.....with your mom.....FOREVER...

      Delete
  41. Pretty much only see beards on guys who either has too many chins or none at all.Alot of them also seems to believe that they are living in the Lord Of The Rings universe. By the way Lemmys mutton chops only works on Lemmy because, well he is Lemmy. Attempting to copy his facial-hairstyle is pretty much guaranteed to make you look like a huge gaylord.

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  42. I'm 15, so when I try to grow a beard, all I get is a few black hairs high up on my cheeks, and a lot of white hairs on my chin. So, I have to shave (which sucks assburgers) cause otherwise I look even more un-metal then a babyface. Because there's nothing more un-metal then having long white face pubes.

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    1. "Because there's nothing more un-metal then having long white face pubes."

      BULLSHIT!

      Fucking BULL fucking SHIT!!

      Having pubes all over your face just means YOU'RE SO FUCKING MANLY YOUR CROTCH ISN'T BIG ENOUGH TO CONTAIN THEM ALL.

      Wear them with pride you genetic god.

      Delete
  43. Phil anselmo didnt always have a beard and hes more metal than youll ever be.

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  44. So sorry to do exactly as you said not to, but my uncle is the lead vocalist of Nile. He's gotta awfully smooth face too. If you argue that Nile isn't metal, you're eardrums are probably busted.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.