Worshiping Dimebag

Disclaimer: I am not even going to bother bringing up Damageplan, Rebel Meets Rebel or anything else Dimebag was affiliated with, because nobody cares about any of those bands. I’m also choosing to ignore Pantera’s poseur past and conveniently drastic stylistic shift because we all have moments we’re not proud of, some of us just happen to have ones that span half a decade. I don’t feel Kreator is any less metal because they happened to release Renewal when nobody cared about thrash anyway, so it would be hypocritical of me to treat Pantera any differently. Oh, and if you don’t like it you can blow me.

Let’s get one thing straight right now: Dimebag Darrell Abbott was a very good guitarist, but was he the best guitarist ever by any possible stretch of the imagination? HELL THE SHIT NO. The man wrote some killer solos, and his riffs were catchy as herpes, but anyone who claims he was better than Wintersun’s Jari Maenpaa, or Necrophagist’s Muhammad Suicmez is either a compulsive liar or completely retarded. Either way, they should kill themselves and get the hell outta my genre with such nonsensical babble.

However, mindless Dimebag hysteria aside, he was a great guy and metal as Wolverine’s adamantium-plated skeleton. Wanna know what’s not metal at all? Capitalizing on the death of a fallen guitar hero. Ever wonder why so many unwashed, ugly, earbiting retards clad in month-old wifebeaters are still obsessed with him? Because Dean Guitars and Rockabilia.com and Revolver Magazine have realized how lucrative his unnecessary martyrdom is to them, and because Phil Anselmo needs more heroin money.

Here’s some food for thought:

And by “Keepin’ On,” we mean giving us more money. Suckers.

By a show of hands, how many of you own a Dimebag memorial shirt? You’re all morons. Are you sitting down? Because I’m about to drop a bomb on your fragile little egos: Dimebag never loved you. As a matter of fact, you guys weren’t even friends. Shit, 90% of you probably had never even heard of him until he got murdered. I actually liked Pantera before the man died, and I sure as shit wouldn’t get a shirt with his face and some phrase he liked to mumble when he got really trashed plastered on it, because I never met the guy, never even got to see him play live. You know how I show my appreciation for what he created? I wear this:

Or at least I used to, before you assholes made it UNMETAL.

Yeah, that’s right. A Pantera shirt. A shirt of the band he was in. That he wrote all the riffs for. The band that catapulted him to the heavy metal limelight. Why? Because when I listen to Dime play, I’m also listening to three other musicians do what they do. I don’t see why Dime should get 100% of the respect for something he only contributed 25% to creating. I’d like to think it’s because my IQ is higher than 6, but maybe I’m being a little harsh.
…NAHH.

Think about it for a half second here: If he were alive and you walked up to him with a picture of his face and the words “Getcha Pull” silkscreened onto your shirt, you’d seriously creep him out. Now, alternately, if you walked up to him with an official Far Beyond Driven shirt, he’d probably think “Oh, this guy likes my tunes! Cool! I wonder if he smokes weed…” And then you’d totally blaze it with Dimebag Darrell who is alive because it’s an alternate universe where people actually use their brains instead of the one we live in where people kill their favorite guitarist of all time because his guitar was manipulating their thoughts and inadvertently make the death of someone’s brother, son and loved one into a cash cow for magazines, guitar manufacturers, and any other corporate cash vacuum. AMERICA!

But hey, speaking of which, let’s take a look at the other ¾ of Pantera. Surely they would never let Dimebag’s death become such a travesty, right? I mean, he was their brother, man. Quite literally in Vinnie’s case. There’s no way they’d let that happen to such a good friend. Well, I’d call you incorrect and naive, but those words might be lost on you, because you’re a freaking dumbass that can’t tell the difference between a conjunction and a junction. You see, they would and are letting it happen like that, because they’re in on it too. Oh yeah. Would anyone give two shits about Hellyeah if Vinnie wasn’t blood relation to your dead idol? No. If it weren’t for Dime’s death, Hellyeah would be some dudes from Mudvayne, Pantera’s nothing special drummer and some other guys that don’t even matter in this reality, trying to convince you that they are in some way cowboys, and that cowboys are in some way metal (which are both bald faced LIES). What are Phil and Rex even doing? Down? I don’t care enough to check, because they are to me who they are to you and everyone else that recognizes their names: the other guys in Pantera. Fortunately for them, that’s enough starpower to pay the bills and stay relevant in metal for the rest of their lives. So they’re going with it.

Kinda like finding out Santa isn’t real, huh kids?

Lastly, I think I should leave you with this: If there were no Pantera, there would be no KoRn. Not just Korn mind you, but a very large slab of shitty American radio metal excrement in general. Pantera proved that you didn’t need amazing riffs to be a badass (or at least successful) metal band; you just needed soul and power. Unfortunately, as is the case in all metal phenomena, a bunch of prepubescent, suburbanite losers took that standard of composition and wrote a bunch of lame, shitty riffs, thought they were the next Motorhead and had their garbage marketed “to fans of Pantera.”

I’m not here to try and bash Pantera, or Dime, not even Phil, Rex or Vinnie. I’m here to explain how goddamn stupid you are for buying into it. That guy you claim to love so much is rolling in his grave as his corpse makes corporate America rich off your allowance money.

I hope you’re happy, cockpuppet.

-Xandemic