Saturday, May 21, 2011

Worshiping Dimebag


Disclaimer: I am not even going to bother bringing up Damageplan, Rebel Meets Rebel or anything else Dimebag was affiliated with, because nobody cares about any of those bands. I’m also choosing to ignore Pantera’s poseur past and conveniently drastic stylistic shift because we all have moments we’re not proud of, some of us just happen to have ones that span half a decade. I don’t feel Kreator is any less metal because they happened to release Renewal when nobody cared about thrash anyway, so it would be hypocritical of me to treat Pantera any differently. Oh, and if you don’t like it you can blow me.

Let’s get one thing straight right now: Dimebag Darrell Abbott was a very good guitarist, but was he the best guitarist ever by any possible stretch of the imagination? HELL THE SHIT NO. The man wrote some killer solos, and his riffs were catchy as herpes, but anyone who claims he was better than Wintersun’s Jari Maenpaa, or Necrophagist’s Muhammad Suicmez is either a compulsive liar or completely retarded. Either way, they should kill themselves and get the hell outta my genre with such nonsensical babble.

However, mindless Dimebag hysteria aside, he was a great guy and metal as Wolverine’s adamantium-plated skeleton. Wanna know what’s not metal at all? Capitalizing on the death of a fallen guitar hero. Ever wonder why so many unwashed, ugly, earbiting retards clad in month-old wifebeaters are still obsessed with him? Because Dean Guitars and Rockabilia.com and Revolver Magazine have realized how lucrative his unnecessary martyrdom is to them, and because Phil Anselmo needs more heroin money.

Here’s some food for thought:

And by “Keepin’ On,” we mean giving us more money. Suckers.

By a show of hands, how many of you own a Dimebag memorial shirt? You’re all morons. Are you sitting down? Because I’m about to drop a bomb on your fragile little egos: Dimebag never loved you. As a matter of fact, you guys weren’t even friends. Shit, 90% of you probably had never even heard of him until he got murdered. I actually liked Pantera before the man died, and I sure as shit wouldn’t get a shirt with his face and some phrase he liked to mumble when he got really trashed plastered on it, because I never met the guy, never even got to see him play live. You know how I show my appreciation for what he created? I wear this:


Or at least I used to, before you assholes made it UNMETAL.

Yeah, that’s right. A Pantera shirt. A shirt of the band he was in. That he wrote all the riffs for. The band that catapulted him to the heavy metal limelight. Why? Because when I listen to Dime play, I’m also listening to three other musicians do what they do. I don’t see why Dime should get 100% of the respect for something he only contributed 25% to creating. I’d like to think it’s because my IQ is higher than 6, but maybe I’m being a little harsh.
…NAHH.

Think about it for a half second here: If he were alive and you walked up to him with a picture of his face and the words “Getcha Pull” silkscreened onto your shirt, you’d seriously creep him out. Now, alternately, if you walked up to him with an official Far Beyond Driven shirt, he’d probably think “Oh, this guy likes my tunes! Cool! I wonder if he smokes weed…” And then you’d totally blaze it with Dimebag Darrell who is alive because it’s an alternate universe where people actually use their brains instead of the one we live in where people kill their favorite guitarist of all time because his guitar was manipulating their thoughts and inadvertently make the death of someone’s brother, son and loved one into a cash cow for magazines, guitar manufacturers, and any other corporate cash vacuum. AMERICA!

But hey, speaking of which, let’s take a look at the other ¾ of Pantera. Surely they would never let Dimebag’s death become such a travesty, right? I mean, he was their brother, man. Quite literally in Vinnie’s case. There’s no way they’d let that happen to such a good friend. Well, I’d call you incorrect and naive, but those words might be lost on you, because you’re a freaking dumbass that can’t tell the difference between a conjunction and a junction. You see, they would and are letting it happen like that, because they’re in on it too. Oh yeah. Would anyone give two shits about Hellyeah if Vinnie wasn’t blood relation to your dead idol? No. If it weren’t for Dime’s death, Hellyeah would be some dudes from Mudvayne, Pantera’s nothing special drummer and some other guys that don’t even matter in this reality, trying to convince you that they are in some way cowboys, and that cowboys are in some way metal (which are both bald faced LIES). What are Phil and Rex even doing? Down? I don’t care enough to check, because they are to me who they are to you and everyone else that recognizes their names: the other guys in Pantera. Fortunately for them, that’s enough starpower to pay the bills and stay relevant in metal for the rest of their lives. So they’re going with it.

Kinda like finding out Santa isn’t real, huh kids?

Lastly, I think I should leave you with this: If there were no Pantera, there would be no KoRn. Not just Korn mind you, but a very large slab of shitty American radio metal excrement in general. Pantera proved that you didn’t need amazing riffs to be a badass (or at least successful) metal band; you just needed soul and power. Unfortunately, as is the case in all metal phenomena, a bunch of prepubescent, suburbanite losers took that standard of composition and wrote a bunch of lame, shitty riffs, thought they were the next Motorhead and had their garbage marketed “to fans of Pantera.”

I’m not here to try and bash Pantera, or Dime, not even Phil, Rex or Vinnie. I’m here to explain how goddamn stupid you are for buying into it. That guy you claim to love so much is rolling in his grave as his corpse makes corporate America rich off your allowance money.

I hope you’re happy, cockpuppet.

-Xandemic

29 comments:

  1. Note: The same goes for Schuldiner.

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    1. Schuldiner was still amazing though and not nearly as overrated as dime. There are fewer poseurs listening to death than pantera

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  2. I agree wholeheartedly, in a recent metal quiz I named Dimebag as most overrated, he's like the metal equivalent of Kurt Cobain (except Dimebag had talent). Also I like Down, I don't really see them as cashing in on Dimebag's death. Also with Pantera I think of Phil first, probably because for me it's the vocalist that makes the band unique or different to other bands.

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  3. You know what's definitely not metal? Taking a quiz online on who's most overrated. Fucking dumbass.

    There are so many categories you guys are trying to shove Dime into. "Guy who caused a lot of shitty musicians to be inspired and make shitty non-metal." "Guy who inspired posers to be posers." "Guy who had a style of guitar playing that a lot of talentless hacks happened to copy". He didn't go out there with the intention of doing that. He just went out there and made undeniably amazing music. You can't hold him at fault for things he had no control over.

    I understand that this isn't what the article is saying, but I have seen people blame Pantera for things and call them a shitty band for the worst and dumbest reasons. The fact is, and I say this with 10+ years of being a metalhead, and unlike most of you dicks, I never went through a stage of listening to poser metal or nu-metal before discovering and recognizing the real thing -I've had an ear for quality music since day 1 - Pantera is as metal as anything else out there. Dime was an incredible guitarist. Quit your fucking whining about their legacy and stop taking everything you read in the youtube comment box to heart. It's fine if you don't like them and all, but get your head out of your ass already, open your ears, and you might find after giving them a chance, that they are really deserving of their status as an great metal band.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reverse of this article is also true. Don't hate the band for their fans, or for whatever band spawned in their wake. You will end up making connections that aren't really there. Kiss my ass Doom.

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  4. ^ stop being so butthurt, do you really think a quiz has one question? that's not a quiz, it was about the 7th question out of ten.

    Also he is overrated no matter how metal you view yourself, and I don't hate Pantera I have all albums from Cowboys onwards.

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  5. Dimebag was a poser. Always was.

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    1. I dont know who you are, but my life will be dedicated to find you and kill you.

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  6. Por Que no Taco5/22/2011 11:38 AM

    awsome o if you want to bitch then make your own blog and cry about it. Stop sucking Dime's dick and move on. fuck.

    Anyway, this article was great. Keep it up brenocide, you know how to get the haters out lol

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  7. I'm a huge fan of Pantera, seeing as I've listened to Vulgar Display of Power since I was in a car-seat. Dimebag is also the main reason I picked up a guitar. I do not feel like I'm any more special to him than any other jack off, however. He's just a guy who made music I really like.

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  8. Awesome-O, if you stopped paying so much attention to how bad your rectum hurts and focused more on the article, you'd see that I remain pretty respectful of Dimebag himself as the man can't really come to his own defense these days. Also, if it isn't what the article is saying, why are you ranting like it is? No one who chose to read this blog is going to respond well to multiple paragraphs of "No you guys, Dime is actually pretty cool! You don't UNDERSTAND!" Think before you act, unless you wanna come off as the butthurt fanboy that nobody likes.
    Por Que no Taco, thanks for the compliment, but Brenocide didn't write this one.

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  9. If Dimebag hadn't been murdered then much of what this article talks about wouldn't have happened. Damageplan really wasn't doing to well and Hellyeah actually probably wouldn't have formed. After bad events happen people have a tendency to put people up on a pedestal they have no business being on which in turn makes the people that have a bit of a head on the shoulders get sick of it.

    Dimebag was innovative at a time when mainstream metal was all but dead. So naturally he stuck out like a sore thumb. This does not mean he was any sort of god. It's like modern boxing. You take one guy with some skill to mow down 30 bums(Manny Pacquiao). Suddenly he's world champion. If you paired him up with the greats of yesteryear he most likely would have been a journeyman. The same is true of Dimebag.
    The fact he was murdered onstage instead of dying in an accident or of a overdose makes people go overboard.

    And yes Vinnie is one step from being a pimp due to his strip joints he owns. Of course he's going to cash in on his brother.

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  10. I used to be quite guilty of this until I grew up and realized exactly what I was doing. I was feeding the corporate American machine (well, that, the remains of Pantera and Dime's lady for years Rita). It just sickens me on how they could capitalize on their "fallen brother" like that. I mean, sure, share your Dime stories in interview, don't market on your pain and loss; just makes you all look like tools. Had this been a couple of years ago, my comment would have resembled Awesome-O's. I grew up and realized that I'm not riding Dime's dead dick anymore. He was a good guy from what I hear, my dad used to tell me a story about meeting him in a gas station in Dallas. He saw my dad with a Pantera t shirt and bought him a beer, he was indeed a swell guy. Great musician, but not the best. I admire your brutal truth in your article, Xandemic, keep up the good work.

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  11. Agree with the article, but I'll go out and say that Pantera made some of the worst metal imaginable and you should be ashamed to listen to them if you're older than 14.

    RE
    SPEK
    WOK

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  12. The same does not go for Schuldiner. I'd support my claims, but that's your job.

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  13. Bra-fucking-vo!! I see this everywhere in the Metal world it becomes a joke. "OMG they're from Norway!! Did you know that they like invented BM?" Orly? "I wish i could one day visit and kiss the toilet Euronymous took a dump in" Good for you.
    Before he died i didn't know who dimebag was, never liked Pantera and never really will. This bred all those groove metal bands who played Ozzfest and the next wave of MTV metal. No disrespect to Mr. Darrell.

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  14. There's just too many chugs in a Pantera song for Raul. From now on we should only listen to pansy ass Morbid Angel or some shit so he doesn't have to keep posting how much other music sucks.

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  15. make the death of someone’s brother, son and loved one into a cash cow for magazines, guitar manufacturers, and any other corporate cash vacuum. AMERICA!
    THIS! I'd rather not support our corporate overlords thankyouverymuch. Overthrow the bastards if you really want to honor someone.

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  16. idk u guise...
    I thot dimebag were a good band...

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  17. Haha I actually used to have that Pantera shirt. Wore it a lot too, back when the only band shirt sI had were My Chem, Iron Maiden, Green Day, and several others that you'll find in random shops downtown. It's now property of my ex girlfriend because I sure as hell felt silly to be in a Pantera shirt when A) So many of their fans are unequivocally repugnant to be around and B) The bastardization of Pantera and Dimebag has gone so far, I can't even wear an awesome Cowboys From Hell shirt. Mainly because they're sold at Hot Topic, and I don't shop there anymore except for the occasional real metal dealie they have in stock, due to the fact that I could run into some asshole that bought it because it "has a skeleton and the word 'hell' on it." So edgy. Fuck, I need more Tang.

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  18. FINALLY!

    Jesus fuck, I've been waiting for this article to get these puss-tards to stop sucking this dude's dick. Yes, he was a rad guitar player, influential and his band had a big part into molding metal to what it is today; but that's about it. He had a tragic death, and it sucks about what's happened, really..
    But all this bullshit about worshiping him is straight up not metal and fucking retarded. Wanna pay homage to this guy? Enjoy Pantera's music and shut the fuck up.
    Same applies to Dio and Schuldiner (as Doom mentioned). Stay out if you just wanna listen to their music cuz their dead; metal could do with less poseur fans anyway.

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  19. I live just down the street from the house Dime and Vinnie lived in up until Dime's death. Dude was awesome, this whole city (Arlington) was connected with him in one way or another. Hell, if you lived her for at least 10 years while Dime was alive, chances are you met him a couple times. Dude was rad, and it's fucking stupid that people are capitalizing on his death.

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  20. Wintersun and Necrophagist are both shit bands

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  21. Necrophagist is utterly fucking shitty false death metal. They're just as homo-flavored as Death were and equally overrated by soft weak suburban fagboys who all want their death metal overproduced and easy to digest dressed up with frilly showy flair. This site while funny at pointing out and mocking shit seems to be written by the clueless operating under the delusion of being true metal heads well learned in the ways of the old and underground. Like a bunch of pasty looking homos standing off to the side looking at the same stock of pasty looking homos doing Blabbermouth or Metalsucks thinking "I'm so more metal and out of the ordinary than they are" yet, you are still the same stock. 3rd rate, not metal, not good enough.

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  22. cowboys in shells10/11/2011 12:21 AM

    respak the man in death...coz in life his riff was not worth a single breath...dimebag has been one of the center pieces of poser metal fanbase for almost a decade.I suspect you respect darrel only cuz he's dead.if he were alve i bet ya would rip him apart inside out"chugga chugga core core..yeahhhh" imagery and music.one man demise held back your true hatred towards poseur culture..i guess your hatred is not so true after all ...(emoticons are so unmetal)....

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  23. Those shirts look absolutely amazing, I'm a huge fan of Pantera especially Dimebag. Thank you very much.

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  24. Dimebag was actually better than you can think by listening to his solo with pantera. he said himself he never wanted to be technical as fuck, he just wanted to make solo that sound good.

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  25. I liked Hellyeah before I found out Vinnie was in the band....

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  26. Pantera were shit and their legacy is shit.
    Also:
    Metal Magic.

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    1. Pantera rules and always will.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.