Monday, May 23, 2011

Awful Metal Video: Singing in the Rain Edition

If theres' one thing that metalcore bands have in common, it's... n-no... well alright... their chuggy riffs and At the Gates melodies too. Right, and the scream the verse, croon the chorus bullshit. Yeah okay, and the tight pants, girly hairdos. Dude, shut up! That's wicked homophobic, I'm not saying that. Look, will you let me finish? What I wanted to say was that all metalcore bands love performing music videos in the rain. More accurately, all metalcore music video directors have a savage, fully-engorged purple hard on for rain machines, slow motion effects, and blue video filters. Feeling blue? I make it rain here on TNM. Prepare to get good and wet scenester kids. On today's edition of Awful Metal Video we're singing in the rain!


We kick off our puddle-splashing fun with an appropriate "let's go!", screamed like the little girl that Bullet for My Valentine frontman, Matthew Tuck is. Or maybe that's Michael Paget? I can't really tell the difference. They're both short, wiry, pasty and look like 14 year-old Juggalettes. This is baggy cargo shorts metal at its very best. So anyway, BFMV are in full form here with a pristine example of a rain video. It's blue, and everything is wet. The best part about rain videos is that the band and all of their favorite musical gear gets absolutely drenched. I had a conversation once with a former guitar luthier about how you should always keep your guitar in its case to avoid damage from humidity and the like. I wonder how bad a music video like this would make that guy start weeping? I mean, we gotta have a warped neck in here somewhere. I'm not even going to start talking about the electronics and amplifiers. I mean, amplifiers? Are those really necessary?  Do we have to destroy those just so we can have them sitting there in the background while the band lip syncs? What I can guarantee is that all the camera equipment is covered and safe. It's like one artform screwing another. Anyway, like all of my favorite music videos, this one has a plot. I can't really tell why this chick is so incredibly DTF. Maybe she just read my blog? I have that effect on women. You're welcome, fellas. 

He's not so down though, despite the fact that's she's pretty smoking for a stock model. He drives off and just leaves her there in the middle of the video. This music video teaches us a valuable lesson about relationship: Ladies, when a man acts like he needs a break from your needy obnoxiousness, it's an obvious sign that he is definitely cheating on you with some blonde slag. Set him on fire just in case. Speaking of which, at the end of the video when the crazy black-haired broad fools them with that gasoline trick, we all know that even if she dumped out the whole tank and filled it with a hose, there would be enough gas mixed in with the water to light the place the hell up anyway. Funny joke. But say there was no gasoline. I'm pretty sure water and gasoline smell a little different right? On a final note; where are all the super horny metal skanks when I'm driving my truck?

Do I ever feel like drowning? Not even a little bit. Have you ever got caught under a pool float you smug asshole? It sucks. Put your artsy emo crap aside and lets get serious here. I hate the idea of drowning so much that I wouldn't even jump into a pool with a curtain so you can slow-motion capture it for an Asking Alexandria music video. By the way, this entire music video is a chick jumping into a pool with a curtain. Save for rainy performance shots, that's it. Oh, and at the end, vocalist Danny Warsnop jumps in after her to save her when she's in really no apparent danger whatsoever. Probably because he's had one too many Mike's Hards again.

Wait for it. Waaaiiit for it... Wait... Okay, no here it comes... okay no... not yet. For the love of... Look, the name of the video is Storm to Pass. Look at those clouds. This shit has to go down eventually, and by shit I mean rain. This is like the biggest cocktease of a rain video ever. Even those kinky mistresses who are into denial play are gonna let you blow your top eventually, (on their command of course). That's what makes the final product so much better, right? Right? Don't look at me like you don't know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, what makes everything worse is that I have to look at these mongrels in Atreyu before they bring on the rain machine. Japanese headbands, curly mustaches, fedora for fat head over there, and I don't know why, but vocalist Alex Varkatzas has the face of a 43-year-old dad with the haircut of a high school freshman. After an exhausting 3 minutes and 10 seconds, I finally confirm this is another rain video, and get to share it all here with you. That's really all I have to say about it. The things I do for you people.

We'll wrap up this edition of Awful Metal Video with the music video for "Confined" by grammy-nominated Timmy and the Christcore Club. Keep replaying the 29th second of the video over and over if you want to enjoy the only part really worth watching. The whole point of this song and video is that there is no point in anything  (except loving God I guess...) and you should never bother doing anything because it's meaningless. Why draw chalk drawings on the parking lot? What's the point? It's just gonna rain and be washed away anyway. Our existences are pitiful and our chalk drawings are futile

Next time on Awful Metal Video, we interview Alexi Laiho about his favorite abandoned warehouse to play in.



  1. The super horny metal skanks avoid you, because they know that you'd never do something as awfully unmetal as having sex with them (or anyone else for that matter)

  2. You forgot Slipknot


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