Monday, May 9, 2011

Listening to Death Metal Makes you a Terrorist

So I was checking out Metal Injection today, and stumbled upon this photographic treasure:

Now it totally makes sense using Metallica music to torture these people. They like their metal good.

Unless you've been living out in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan like we thought he was all this time, Osama Bin Laden got his hairy face shot off by a cracker jack team of U.S Navy Seals, who stormed his compound Call of Duty style in an epic helicopter raid. He was hiding so deep in the social underground of Pakistan, that they had to send a hipster to find him. So elite were these soldiers that raided his mansion, that not a single one of them got shot at all, which also means they didn't have to stand behind cover and wait 5 seconds until their bullet wounds healed completely. They went in, and within minutes, had a big, dead body of a terrorist mastermind to suspiciously hurl into the ocean.

So with Bin Laden's recent death, the news networks have already begun to speculate which prominent terrorist will be his worthy replacement. One such potential replacement was Osama's personal secretary; another was former Egyptian special forces. Then we have 32-year-old Adam Gadahn, who just loves him some death metal.

A former American jew turned jihadist who fled the country after assaulting the head of his mosque, Gadahn now hides out in Pakistan, and is believed to have personally assisted Bin Laden in recording his infamous little home movies. He was a former writer of the death metal zine Xenocide and had his own, one person metal band called Aphasia. It was either this sort of activity that caused him to become a terrorist, or the fact that he was home schooled and didn't have a toilet to shit in when he was growing up. I'll leave you to speculate which of these traits news networks and republican douchetards will focus on more.

Congratulations, boys! We are now all officially terrorists in the making.


  1. Lol @ Lars saying "I can name 20 norwegian death metal bands" He obviously doesn't know what he's talking about.

  2. I've always wanted to be a fundamentalist extremist, I just don't find any of these mainstream religions appealing enough to kill for. Now if Varg flew planes into the buildings symbolic of American capitalist corruption, I'd grow my beard out (done), grab my Cold War surplus weapon, and commit whatever the Norse word for Jihad is on American scum.

  3. I saw other pictures of Adam Gadahn on the FBI's website, at one point he looked like a true metal head, so the death metal thing doesn't come as a surprise.

    But I think it's stupid that out of all things they could have put, they put he loves death metal. Everyone else's background has an occupation or something along those lines, but they decided that we should know that terrorists like death metal.

  4. Anyone got footage of the band, would be really funny to see

  5. He was apparently a fan of an awesome early death metal band called Timeghoul, who are a thousand times more thunderously epic than trite shit like Amon Amarth, and who you would have mentioned if you knew shit about death metal and also who you would have known their demos are finally seeing the light of day on Dark Descent Records, being a true metalhead n all, you know...


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.