Being Vegan and "peta2"

Meat is murder. Delicious, juicy, murder.

I think the internet hate-storm that has been generated towards vegans and their 'holier than thou' attitude has already said more than I could ever fit in one TNM article. At first I considered not even bothering, but when you hear about hard rock musicians supporting PETA in their pursuit of a fascist new world order, where human beings are stripped of their natural instinctual need to eat meat and keep themselves warm with the fur of other creatures, you can't help but get a little peeved.

If you are not familiar with "peta2", it is a not-so-separate branch of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) that is designed to specifically target the demographic of young, impressionable adolescents who aren't mature enough to think for themselves yet. It's much like the Joe Camel of decades past. PETA has no shame, you see. As part of their malevolent scheme for world domination, they have turned their sights on the the fresh young minds of the world, ripe for the tainting. They also focus on the empty heads of dumb rock artists, who because of achieving fame and fortune with typically less than a high school education, aren't very smart either. They use half-famous, tattooed spokesmen and natural teenage rebellion to their advantage, transforming today's youth into pale, frail, protein-deprived pawns in their twisted game of global destruction. They are practically terrorists, setting out to destroy our fragile ecosystem by forcing their extreme ideology of making the planet's greatest carnivore into one big group of granola-chewing herbivore wussies.

Figures.
As if Oli Sykes hasn't already given me enough reasons to head butt him in the face. 

"peta2" recruits a brainwashed army of teenage drones to do their dirty work. Their website encourages its viewers to ruthlessly harass food and entertainment industries that may or may not have a supposed connection to a form of animal treatment that PETA deems out of their own boundaries. They go as far to refer to these forms of harassment as "missions" and award the young missionaries points that can be redeemed for t-shirts, buttons and other free propagandistic garbage. Even the pursuit of knowledge is no exception to the long lanky arms of PETA's impartial onslaught. Their latest "victory" consisted of bullying NASA to the point of ceasing experiments involving the effects of radiation on squirrel monkeys. Oh thank God that all those dewy-eyed, adorable little scamps were spared from those mean old scientists! Let's all be grateful for PETA's efforts, we can now rest assured, knowing that our American heroes will die of radiation exposure out there in the cosmos, because apparently, they are not allowed the knowledge to know any better. Thank you PETA. Thank you so, so much.

Maria Brink always makes my animal want to perform.

Being a metalhead, my connection towards the animal kingdom is much more tightly wound than that of the averaged civilized person. I am driven by instinct and primal rage. Like my chimpanzee cousins in the wild, my diet is comprised of both plants and animals. Also like my chimpanzee cousins, I would partake in cannibalism if it was an acceptable social mean. If you handed me a people kabob, freshly grilled and asked me to try it, I would be god damned if I didn't enjoy myself a swift, juicy bite upon your request. 

McDonald's and Burger King are one of the few places open when the venue staff tells me that I have to go home, and I'm too drunk to care about what I eat or what drive-thru my car happens to skid into. I couldn't give less of a flying fuckilyduck how they scald their chickens alive in boiling oil before or after ruthlessly murdering them via swift throat slash. Four chicken nuggets are a dollar, and they're tasty as hell. Better yet, if your chicken nuggets or cheeseburgers are not substantially more delicious when you eat them while watching this video, (the same one Oli Sykes claims transformed him into a pompous vegan jackass,) you are a poor excuse for a death metal fan. Animal cruelty, like human cruelty, is really awesome, and incredibly metal. If you don't believe me, while watching the video, mute the bleeding heart narrator, and blast your favorite Exhumed tune. You should be inspired to write some sick as hell lyrics immediately. Unless of course you're like me, and you're just too hungry to concentrate.

Heavy metal redemption can not merely be found in throwing your vegan lifestyle away and hitting the barbecue. That is not good enough. If you have mutilated your omnivore digestion system by converting it to a herbivore lifestyle for a long enough period of time, your only means of redeeming yourself can be found out in the wild. You are to murder a fairly-sized mammal in the most inhumane way you can, look it in its dead eyes, and eat it. If the process is truly upsetting to you, bring an ipod or battery powered boombox with some Gorerotted at the ready to lift your spirits about the ordeal.

On a lighter note, throwing away your vegan ideals is a great resolution for the new year. But all in all, I guess vegetarianism isn't all bad. After all, take a gander at some of the gag-induc... I mean scrumptious-looking recipes available on peta2's webpage! Delicious.