Saturday, March 5, 2011

TNM Celebrates 50,000 Views, 400+ Facebook Likes

It's been a long, road of triumphs, heartbreak, joy, betrayal, and seemingly impossible obstacles, and by that, I mean it's been a hairy dude writing on the internet in the buff for a couple of months... but today, brothers and sisters of the metal community, we celebrate the greatest metal blog in the recent history of metal blogs, finally hitting a page view number that Metal Sucks probably gets more of on a daily basis. Such underwhelming success is typical for one as underground and KVLT as myself. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The tale of That's Not Metal's conception goes as follows: one man, one opinion, one too many beers, one status update... "Baseball hats aren't metal." After posting this comment on Facebook, it was suggested to me that I should start a weekly blog stating things that aren't metal. So here I am. And here you are. Hey, how's it going? As I stated before, this started out as an inside joke metal bible among a couple of my friends, and to be perfectly honest, that fact hasn't changed at all. I really write this thing for the benefit of maybe 5-6 people. Being even more honest, that's just what I tell those personal friends, (who actually aren't so much friends as they are people I hang out with to look cooler) because I only write these things for the benefit of one person: myself.

So on I wrote, and despite the backlash and the naysaying, I just kept writing. My blog, a single wooden viking long ship, crashing through a tempest storm in an ocean of retard waves. The more people that hated it, the more I wanted to write. It was really funny. I consider a violation post a failure if I don't get at least 2-3 sob queens trying to write paragraphs about why they think I am wrong.  Soon douches were bringing in their open-minded brigades to gang up on me, and the lasting effect was that I was coming out of it with people who thought the page was funny. I started averaging about 200-300 page views a night. I can't even name 200 people off the top of my head, so this was cool. I thought this was my peak and I was alright with that.

Then, my blog entertained the right guy, and I found myself with close to 5,000 views a night out of nowhere. I went from painstakingly (sitting on a couch nude and) building 140 Facebook likes on my own, and that number is soon approaching 500 people. People actually want to read this shit. So now, instead of being able to drop the site at any time of my own accord, I feel this pseudo-obligation to come on here and give your hungry eyes an update several times a week. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Nevertheless, I feel like I should take this time to thank everybody who made this whole thing possible:


Seriously, what have you guys done? You clicked on some link one of your buddies showed you, and now you get to squeal at delight at the fruits of my labor? Good for you. Without me, there would be no That's Not Metal. If I wasn't so unfathomably amazing, Ed "The Infidel" Veter wouldn't have thought my site was funny and shared it with his subscribers. You wanted to come on here and get a "thank you" and a "without you, none of this would be possible"? Why? Every time one of you says "keep up the great work!" what you really mean is "toil away for my personal delight". Thanks for the encouragement, you sadistic bastard. The only people other than me I have to thank are the ones who accidentally click on my ads and generate pennies in my revenue, so at the end of the month I can go out and celebrate with a chicken sandwich. Oh yeah, and I guess Tyranneous for those 4-5 posts he did. Whatever dude.

I'll make an announcement like this again when we reach 100,000 page views, and over 1,000 Facebook likes. When I'll be even more upset at you. Thanks for nothing, jerkoffs. Keep reading if you want to, I guess.


  1. That was like the coolest acceptance spee... text.

  2. Toil away fo... Uh, I meant keep up the great work, man.

  3. Wow, you really are a fucking faggot. Great blog tho.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.