Slayer touring with Rob Zombie

For multiple reasons, one band tends to piss me off more and more as the years go on. I love them and I hate them so much at the same time that it feels as though I have entered into a matrimonial relationship with them, which I think many of us have at some point in our lives. Their music has always been angry and mean and the speed of their early material, especially at that time, was perhaps second to none.

I am, of course, talking about Slayer.

Their music has been a staple in the metalhead diet like corn was for the Native Americans. With albums like Show No Mercy, Hell Awaits, Reign in Blood, South of Heaven, and Seasons in the Abyss, who among our ranks cannot find a song that just exudes pure metal? Unfortunately, their recent musical endeavors have fallen completely short of their past greatness, turning to a commercialized sound and over-tuning their guitars for their arthritic fingers. Tom Araya has lost the ability to sing, having now only the capability of monosyllabic yelling in much the same manner that Chris Barnes sounds like he’s just come out of puberty and coughing up his tongue from years of doing it wrong. Despite this fall from grace, I would still be more than willing to dole out the money for a ticket to one of their live shows.

Recently, while conducting a morning News Feed check on Facebook, stalking my “friends,” I came across a link directing me to this.

Needless to say, I wanted to throw up. When I thought that Slayer could not get any worse, they proved me wrong. Sure, they’ve toured with un-metal, butt-rock bands before. Killswitch Engage comes to mind. However, this is stooping to new lows.

I have not listened to Rob Zombie as a fan of metal and thinking he was metal in over a decade. His music should be appealing to none but pubescent, voice cracking teens and tweens. Since White Zombie disbanded in the mid 90’s, Rob Zombie has continually gotten worse and worse, culminating with his most recent single “Sick Bubblegum.” I will cede him that he does a pretty decent job remaking classic horror films – and by this I mean some of his renditions, though he has a fetish with incestuous hillbillies – but that means absolutely nothing to me musically.

Who makes these decisions and do the bands get a say in this matter (this is a rhetorical questions assholes and I don’t need you trolling the comments section over this)? Sure, it can be pretty funny when two dissimilar bands perform with each other. It happens at almost every show. The opening act tends to be some screaming core band. When I sat down for Sonic Syndicate at the Worcester Palladium, it made Amon Amarth so much better. When I heard Black Star, Inc. open for Finntroll, it filled me with so much rage that Finntroll sounded AMAZING. However; there comes a point when two completely different bands should not go on tour together. This is one of them.

Rob Zombie fans and Slayer fans are entirely different crowds and are big enough names to headline on their own. This means that all of the Slayer fans have to deal with the Rob Zombie homos who are afraid of breaking a nail in the pit. When I go to a metal show I want to mosh, throw my body into someone else; knock the biggest guy on his ass  because I am full of hate and adrenaline as a metalhead. I hate going to a show where no one knows how to mosh, stands around wanting to hold hands and be friends, and make out with each other over the love of metal. That is exactly what I will expect from Slayer’s upcoming tour.

I didn't lie to you. Do they belong at a Slayer show?

 If I am going to spend my hard earned cash on a Slayer ticket, I have some expectations. Rob Zombie is not one of them.