Vocal Covers

We're all familiar with the thousands of guitar cover videos that get uploaded to YouTube on a daily basis. In said videos, Guitar Center showoffs can take their smug, sitdown act global. With a guaranteed 5,000+ views of any song they cover, why bother going to Guitar Center anymore? They sure aren't going to buy anything. I find it difficult these days to click on any metal music video on that website, without seeing at least 1 or 2 different videos in the "Suggestions" panel, of some fast-fingered douche who makes a hobby out of doing nothing with himself except playing other people's music.

Not so prominent in the metal video community are the extreme metal singers, showing off their unbridled ability to growl, shriek, and yodel along to some of their favorite metal tunes. It only makes sense that we give them their chance in the spotlight; vocals are as equally important to a metal song as guitars, drums, or bass, right? A guitarist can't play the words "between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel". They need to be sung, and without lyrics like that, Holy Diver would have just been a bunch of power chords. Today, we are paying proper tribute to the not-so-unsung heroes that are the heavy metal YouTube growlers.

Trust me, the 1 minute 36 second lead-up is more than worth it. Your mind will be blown. An interesting bit of information is that Avenged Sevenfold whiner "M. Shadows" personally taught this young man how to scream. I find that fact really odd, but there's really no other way to interpret such a public thank you at the beginning of his video. Then we're teased with the concept that this will not be rockrboy's last vocal cover from "Waking the Fallen", which as I'm sure you all know is easily one of the best... Avenged Sevenfold albums, of all time. I especially appreciate how the video uploader introduces himself to the world by the end of introduction, leaving his birth title on the screen for more than ten seconds. I can only assume this is an effort on his part to make it easier for all the talent scouts hired by record companies to find the next best metal screamer on YouTube. 
What do the viewers get after one minute and thirty-six seconds of heart-raising anticipation? A high school kid in an awkward haircut and blue polo shirt. I forgot what A7X fans typically looked like. He's super into the music, as he wags his head side-to-side and drums his fingers on what I can only assume is a patio table, as this kid is for whatever reason, out on the porch. Neighbor dogs responsively bark at his howling, which only means that the neighbors have to hear it all too. Considering he's wearing headphones, his headache-inducing cat-like yowling and tone-deaf crooning is the only thing the neighborhood gets to enjoy. They have no clue that he's singing along to anything. They just hear some crazy kid yelling and screaming at nothing. Cue sip from funky, plastic, orange Walmart cup. Gotta refresh those pipes. Any and every person who considers A7X respectable, let alone is a fan of their music, deserves a running clothes line to the throat and face. Moving on...


Back in December, I had the misfortune of having to review the BMTH album, "There is a Hell, I swear to god dude I saw it myself that one time, check out these cell phone pics if you don't believe me; and oh yeah, there is also a Heaven too, but keep it on the downlow, for the time being, alright? I don't exactly want that kind of thing getting to the ears of the wrong types of people. Btw do you know if Kelly is gonna be at that party tonight? Text me later, k" It was a truly unremarkable piece of metalcore suck. Easily the worst song of the mix was "Don't Go", featuring the Canadian female synthpopper "Lights". I ran into this particular vocal cover while looking for the tracks to review the album. When I first saw it, I figured: "okay, it's a chick, she's going to sing the chick parts." I was surprised to find that a teenage girl can scream on par with a vocalist like Oli Sykes. Actually, that doesn't surprise me in the least. 
Nice CROW poster. Not only is the singing unbearable to listen to, like any screamo cover, the dumb broad is playing around on her iPhone the entire video. She even apologizes for it: "Somebody's texting me, sorry". No shit, I figured. Here's the great thing about text messages, ladies, they don't go anywhere. You can look at them and then respond at a later time. Don't apologize to me, the BMTH fan who wants to see a quality vocal cover of my number one favorite song. Apologize to the cute boy on the phone who can wait 4 minutes until you're finished with your fucking YouTube video. Either that, or the cute girl you're experimenting with to let everyone know you're "bi" and super alternative, so you can wear all that trendy rainbow crap from Hot Topic. Was perhaps a "second take" even a rational possibility? Or maybe putting the phone elsewhere from the get go? Jesus Christ. 

I can't tell if this is a vocal cover of a Behemoth song, or if this just a video somebody took of this weirdo trying to hawk a record-breaking loog. What the hell is he doing with his head? Is he showing off to everyone his superior technique in blowing people? Honestly, the last thing I ever want to see is this guy blowing anybody. Real or imaginary. Next victim please. 

Remember that part of the Disney movie, Lion King where lion dad Mufasa is trying to teach Simba to roar? But he's too pussy (npi) to really be capable? That's pretty much what we're seeing here. Prepubescence and Death Metal don't mix. This is a vocal style built solely on deep voices. When you answer the home phone, people still mistake you for your mom or your sister. Do the rest of us a favor and get back on YouTube after your balls drop. This crap is disgraceful.

If all this guy did was swing his hair the whole video, it would be the best video on YouTube. He opts to instead, lend his gurgling goblin voice to the Jari-powered extreme metal sound of Wintersun. I imagine if you were to slit the throat of a tied down bobcat, the process would sound a lot like this guy's singing. Not in a good way either. The Him shirt just makes everything way worse; it's a great indicator that whatever involvement this kid had with doing something metal, was doomed from the start. What's with that obnoxious microphone angle? It makes you look like a douchey orange unicorn. Speaking of which, is it actually even a microphone, or are you just playing pretend with your dad's safety orange MAG-light?

And of course I saved the best (worst) for last. This guy took his cookie monster karaoke to the next level, and made his own music video. I could go into every little detail why this is so horrible, but you really just have to watch it. Just watch...

I know how everyone in the metal community likes to go on about the technique of proper death metal growling, but there is no god damn technique. It's not an artform, it doesn't take practice or skill, you just make grumbly noises with your throat. That's it. You have no special talent that sets you apart from everybody else enough to show off on YouTube. Some people just sound cooler than others when they do it, and those people usually already have record deals. You don't. Shut the hell up.

Special thanks to David Tibbetts, Max Medlow, Johan Matthews, and Brian Wille for the videos. You assholes ruined a perfectly good week. 


Edit:

Thanks olliemedsy