Monday, March 21, 2011

NEW Devin Townsend music makes me want to snuggle in an afghan and sip chamomile tea


I can't wait for the newly assembled Devin Townsend Project to come and play in my town. Me, along with my fellow metalheads will form a large circular opening in the middle of the crowd. Then, when the music reaches its heaviest peak, we will sit down Indian-style and discuss herbal remedies amongst ourselves. 

There's something I'm just not understanding. Why is Townsend still relevant in the metal community? He's not making metal music anymore. Don't think he wants to. Strapping Young Lad is long gone, along with Townsend's epic skullet. His only true musical endeavor now is producing progressive new age technical ambience industrial yoga groove. Let me just give you an example: If In Flames started making pop music all of the sudden, would we still be talking... you know what, never mind. 

Here are a list of tragedies in mankind's history:
  • Religion
  • The Black Death
  • The Holocaust
  • The day Devin Townsend decided we wanted to become an "artist"
    Firing ying-yang lasers. Pew, pew.
    I'm going to turn this track up, light some aroma therapy candles and take a long warm bubble bath with some cucumber slices over my eyelids now. Then I'll use the adjustable shower head to massage my balls. 

    EDIT: Deconstruction is going to be Townsend's answer to the obnoxious fans (me) that want him to make heavy music. He is quoted as saying "There's a whole network of people that are like 'No no no no no! We only want heavy music, we only want chaotic music, we only want devilish, horrible, destructive music'." Deconstruction is designed to make fun of the metal genre and its fans. Enjoy that. 


    1. He does make metal music. You just came across the Devin Townsend Project's 4th and last album which is supposed to be like new age music. Check their deconstruction if you want metal.

    2. It has to come out first.

    3. Oh since this was a track from the fourth I thought it did.

    4. For a moment there I actually thought I was in a holistic, new age, hippie, it-has-no-animal-byproducts-and-is-all-organic-because-I'm-sensitive-and-stuff store.


    All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.