Wearing your own Band Merch

This is how screwed I am.

That's right, I just got on the case of Johan Hegg. That's how ridiculously metal I am. You poseurs can't even fathom my true metalocity. I could get in a fist fight with all the angry members of Amon Amarth at once, and only almost die. That's a lot more than I could say for most of you. I may not look like much, but in regards to heavy metal, I'm a goddamn scrapper. You'd be like "pfft who the hell is this guy?" and before you knew what was even going on, the hardest death metal band on the block is all out of breath as they thoroughly handle me by myself. How is such a feat possible? Where do I find the motivation to take such a complete thrashing? It's because I'm pissed at them for wearing their own t-shirts. Not cool dudes.

The golden rule of heavy metal band shirt wearing is simply this: you wear the band you like. Not too tough a concept to grasp. A classic example of doing it wrong would be your typical chic hipster chick strutting through the mall wearing a torn, faded vintage-style Iron Maiden shirt. She may listen to Iron Maiden, she may not. I'm not one to judge a person based only on outside appeara... who the hell am I kidding? If you asked her what she thought about "Powerslave" she would slap you in the mouth and call you a pervert. She's as unmetal as they come. Her favorite band is probably Depeche Mode.

It's never okay to wear a shirt with The Showdown on it. It's even less okay if you're in The Showdown.

Do you really like the band Obscura? Well here's a neat idea to communicate that fact to strangers and your peers without ever opening your stupid trap: Wear an Obscura shirt. Talking is overrated, and we're always gonna be that creepy looking dude that never talks to anybody, anyway. That cute girl with the black nail polish is never going to hear how you really feel about her, but she's always going to know you like Overkill. That's all that really matters.

So let's review: you're wearing a 3 Inches of Blood shirt because they're one of your new favorite metal bands. Fine. But what if you're in the band, 3 Inches of Blood? Are you supposed to be your own favorite band? Sounds pretty god damn conceited. I should know, I wrote the book on conceited. Whether it be on stage, in a photoshoot, or just walking around in casual settings, it is never okay to wear the merch of the band you're performing in. Unless you want everybody to think you're a stupid, self-centered douche. Yeah, I wrote that book too. I'm a renowned novelist in the art of asshole.

Metallica always ends up here somehow.

I know a lot of you are going to try and debunk me by sobbing about how "wearing one's own band shirt was a popular form of self-promotion in the 80's where all bands in the underground really had was word of mouth as a means of promoting themselves", because you're retarded and you think I give a shit. I would like to inform all of you that it is not the 80's, so kindly shut your ignorant mac n' cheese hole. You see this thing you're on right now? You know, the place you're reading this blog? It's called the internet. You can thank it for it all the new music we have today, whether it be good or (usually) bad. There is no longer any excuse for wearing your own band shirt as a means of self-promotion. If you want people to know who you are on stage, that's what big wall flags and bass drum heads are for.

Band shirts are the official uniform of the true metal army (so long as they aren't of bands that suck). Being metal guys themselves, it is only natural for band members to take stage in their own selection of band tees. They can go about this properly one of two ways - always a good choice would be to wear shirts of the classics that inspire you. Maiden, Priest and Slayer are done to an abhorrent degree. Preferably I would go with something a little less brutally beaten to death. A better way to go about it would be to use your time on stage as an opportunity to promote the bands you know personally who are struggling alongside you in the metal music performing community. Get the hell over yourself for 15 minutes and represent.


So let's say you became full of yourself for a moment, wanted some kids to check out the sweet t-shirt of your band, (that they can be the proud owners of by going over to the merch table and paying the one-time, low low price of $20), and wore your own band shirt on stage. Unlike with most of my violation blogs, I consider my suggested Heavy Metal Redemption for this particular case to be quite a simple request: You need to be a Swedish melodic viking death metal band so impossibly awesome that you would be able to get away with doing something so terribly unmetal.

Nobody ever said I couldn't be reasonable.