Friday, December 3, 2010

Bringing your Girlfriend to Shows

"I like the lead singer! He's really cute! What's this band called again?"
As a man who pays his proper respects to the metal gods, you can now enjoy a few perks that you may not have been able to experience in the past. One of the most valuable of these, is your uncanny ability to piss off a woman's father with your appearance alone. You see, girls are naturally driven to disappoint their parents. So fiercely, in fact, that it is not uncommon for them to bring an unsuspecting black man home, just to see the look on their father's face. Shit, if you are lucky enough to be a black metal head then you are like pure gold in a young woman's eyes...

Black gold.

So as strange as it may sound, there is a certain group of females who will seek you out. They will pretend to like and know things about your musical tastes in order to intrigue you, all in the efforts of forming a relationship that her dad will be ashamed of. I am happy for you friend. By all means, rejoice in that action while it lasts.

Whatever you do with her, or whatever your relationship, leave that gabby idiot at home while the rest of us enjoy our metal show. 

Metal shows are sacred rituals in which metal heads from neighboring cites and states congregate in one single venue to rejoice in our common fandom of a certain metal band or group of bands. This is a gathering where men can be men; we celebrate by hitting each other, banging our heads until our necks are broken, shaking our fists and yelling a lot. Or at least that's what I should be doing. God forbid my elbow meets your broad's face because she's 5'1 with platform shoes, and you get all vindictive about it. 

I never thought a human voice without microphone assistance would be capable of cutting through drums, bass, rhythm guitar and lead guitar all at once, but somehow, she makes it possible. Her opinion needs to be heard wherever she goes, and she has to holler it, because the music is 'oh my god, really loud'. She also has to be up front, as close to the mosh pit as possible, so that she can get a really good view of the band, but looks really flustered and upset when 'that guy almost hit me'. The band in question she isn't familiar with, and doesn't really like; but she's wearing that black lipstick she bought at Hot Topic clearance, so to keep appearances, she will clap and squeal at the end of every song.

As the boyfriend, not only are you responsible for ruining everybody's good mood by bringing your pet troll, but you are now also ridiculous and out of place yourself. You cling tenaciously to your female, convinced that your fellow metal brethren are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to pounce on and ravage your true love the moment your arms aren't draped around her shoulders. So now, instead of having any fun yourself, you're too caught up in this irrational fear of the rest of us snatching away your precious poon and stand around clutching her like a tool. Sounds like a night to remember...

The fact of the matter is this: a Dying Fetus show is not a date. It's not. At her very core, no matter what she says to you, she doesn't actually want to be there. It's loud, it's smelly, and it's violent. She's your girlfriend. Take her to Red Lobster or some shit. Leave the rest of us out of it.



49 comments:

  1. Whoa Whoa Whoa...I'm a girl and I thoroughly enjoy going to see Fintroll, Amon Amarth, Eluveitie, etc. What is wrong with me going with my husband to a metal show that I genuinely enjoy? I don't holler, I don't get in the way of the mosh pit (even if I did, I can handle myself Thank You), and I don't act like an annoying girly girl.

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  2. Well, I'm sure your husband knew what he was doing when he married an exception to the rule. Congratulations to both of you. May you enjoy many metal shows together, arm length apart from each other, hands in your pockets, and directly facing the band. I have to draw the line somewhere here.

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  3. This is idiotic and sexist. I will attend any metal show I damn well please with or without a male or female I may or may not be fucking/dating/friends with. I DO agree that nobody should be there who is going to talk through sets and show disrespect to the band or anybody attending. REGARDLESS of gender.

    Write a new article when you get the pleasure of actually dating a woman into metal. If one will even bother with you.

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    1. It's not idiotic nor sexist because it's true. Women are the most prominent posers in every music scene. To them listening to music is just playing dressup and "hanging out with friends". No woman I've ever met, despite how "dark and cool" they try to dress up, knows shit about music, film, or literature. They just like "that band that dresses all gothy and screams xD", "I liek horror movies omg so scary", etc.

      See, this article would be sexist if it represented an unfounded bigoted post about hate towards all women. See, in our core, we all wish that women actually knew what the fuck they're talking about when it comes to metal, video games, etc. It'd be extremely cool if they were genuinely into it. But they don't, and they aren't. It's not a matter of biology as it is a matter of anthropology.

      There's probably 2 or 3 metal women in the world. This one time I met a girl that was really metal and knew a shit-ton about bands, but it turned out she was transgender and learned all her shit while she was a guy. Why aren't girls like this? If anyone needs to change, it's them. And until then, expect these truthful observations. Going to a metal show with your girlfriend is as prudent as going to a porno with your parents.

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    2. I am so sorry that you have met inferior females. Please trust and believe that HOT metal Femme Freaks exist and may rock your world if you are ever lucky enough to meet us (ME).

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  4. Good advice. "Her and I had a really great time not communicating with each other at the show because it was too loud." People will be lining up to read that one.

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    1. Me and my boyfriend met at Opeth. We talked breifly before the show but really got close in the mosh pit, and kept in contact after.

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  5. Also what's the point of actually 'writing' an article, when the only thing I really have to do is google image search "pictures for goth chicks" and then post them on a daily basis. Seems to work well for some people.

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  6. I agree with the posts above chiding (finally got to use that word in context!) you for being sexist or what not--I'm also a female who's into metal and actually plays a metal instrument--but I agree with you too. I hate when you get your buddy's 17-year-old jailbait girlfriend who's never been to a live show in her life decking herself out in her best tank top and studded belt, throwing the 'hang loose' sign and mistaking it for the horns. I'm not kidding, I have seen it happen.

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  7. Chiding is indeed a very exciting word. With that said, I don't know what I'm being so sexist about. I'm just talking the "metal girlfriend". She is about as much of an accessory as any spiked gauntlet or studded belt. She typically has no mind of her own and just latches on to her boyfriend's metal taste in order to appear hotter to him and inevitably his other metal friends. If you're a lady who's metal in her own right, all the more power to you. What instrument do you play Sam?

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    1. What about when a metal girl takes her non-metal boyfriend to a show? I took my hipster/noise punk little guy to a show just to make him watch how much more of a man I am than him, and he liked it. (He wouldn't go in the pit, because he had his thick-rimmed glasses on). Not letting him wipe up my bloody nose, and knowing I can overpower him, is the most erotic thing there is.

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    2. Same, I had a Boyfriend that I brought to tons of shows for bands he had never heard of. I make this assumption about women at metal shows sometimes but it definatly is sexist. I had an experience where I saw 2 bombshells at metal/hardcore fest in Victoria Secret Pink clothes and had one of my buddies ask him why they were they. Turned out they were strippers who strip to hatebreed that came straight from work an hour away.

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  8. The point here is, don't take your girlfriend to a show when she's not metal herself. It works both ways, but it is far more common to see the man bring his clueless sex object to the pit (trying to get to the front of the stage) where she cannot handle herself on her own. No one should have to look out for their unaware and incompetent partner because it takes away from experiencing the show.

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  9. At first I was like wtf? But then I realized you're talking about is the dipstick girls like the one I saw on YouTube: How to Look Like a Hot Metal Chick, complete with hair and make up tips. So madding.
    we celebrate by hitting each other, banging our heads until our necks are broken, shaking our fists and yelling a lot.

    Hey now; we like to do the same things too.

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  10. Ha.I'll be at the Hostile City Death Fest in Philly. I'm prob. too old for you. :D
    http://www.facebook.com/HostileCityDeathFestPage
    JHC: You can't even read the stupid poster! I love this site. It kinda sorta reminds me of Maddox.

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  11. Philly is kind of a stretch from my current home turf, but its anybody's guess where I'll end up in that period of time. I'm always willing to travel for an especially epic show. Who knows? Also, unlike Maddox I can be funny more than twice a year.

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  12. Yeah, Philly is about 6 north of me; I live near Ottawa. IA about Maddox. This is one of the best sites I've come across period.

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  13. I think you're overgeneralising a little bit.

    I'm a girl who's into metal. The last guy who went to a show with me was not, and I spent the entire concert worrying about him. (We saw Finntroll and Ensiferum.) He only tried to like metal because I did.

    It also pisses me off when couples make out in the mosh pit...

    Oh yeah, I saw the video on youtube where that girl was going on about how to be a "hot metal chick". She's obviously never been to a metal show, or at least, I hope not. Girls like that annoy me. <.<

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  14. I agree! I'm a girl but I know you're talking about those girls that pretend to like metal just to make the bf happy. I hate those bitches that are close to the pit and once someone touch them they get all mad... hey if you don't like it gtfo!!! go to the back!!!

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    1. Dulce, you are kinda missing the fact that a totally sexist retard kicked off this post and is a woman hater on every level. Hardcore biznatches UNITE! Kill it in the PIT!

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  15. "But I'm a girl and I like metal blah blah blah!" The article obviously wasn't talking about you so shut the fuck up. The truth is, the majority of chicks I see at metal shows ARE like this and the ones that aren't prefer to stand in the back looking hot in their retarded corsets and platform combat boots. Then there's the ones who think that they can handle the pit and the rest of us have to pretend to give a shit about the fact that you have a vagina and not shove you too hard.

    I'm done now.

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    1. Dude totally Shove Me I Have a Vagina and I LOVE it!

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  16. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm !!! I am a female. I would fucking KILL a cute puppy to be at a Dying Fetus show! Fuck you I mosh! I arrive at a metal fest and I WILL jump into the moshpit and be very disappointed if I am not bleeding/bruised upon stumbling out! Metal dudes that have girlfriend's like the ones emntioned arer going to be listening to 'Katy Perry's greatest hits' In ten years time,with all their metal albums donated to bachelor friends. Idiot, go find a metal chick! We CAN be metal! ha hah ah \m/

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  17. You know when you're the youngest lone female, hell, the only lone female at Bonecrusher and you manage to dislocate as many jaws as you have? That.

    Dying Fetus thought it was very cool.

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  18. Shit, if you are lucky enough to be a black metal head then you are like pure gold in a young woman's eyes...

    Nice to know, sir ;)

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  19. And the hottest ones are usually the biggest posers......i had one trollop actually ask me what the name of the frontman from AA was.......

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  20. TortoiseTheTitan1112/13/2011 11:34 AM

    Black female metalhead on the posttttt! And I mosh like a mother fucker. YOU might get hurt.

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  21. I am a female black metaller and you sir are the biggest wanker I have seen in quite some time I do promotions run my own metal business and put on extreme metal events.What's your issue?Did you get turned down by your mates woman when he wasn't looking?Women do actually like metal of all forms as much as guys so in short keep having sex with your hand and stop blaming your lame time on women because the chicks I hang with are as metal as the guys they date!

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  22. Uh, what the fuck? Sure there are some female posers out there but there are also annoying male posers and a fuckload more of them when you compare the gender ratio at shows.
    I'm a female BM vocalist and my partner is a well known black metal drummer and we go to shows together all the time. Of course there will always be the ones there with their partner to try and support something they like, but I don't think it's fair to single out the ones with vaginas. Metal is something you live with and don't just 'get over', so the relationships between a metaller and a 'normie' had better have another strong element to them!

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  23. KatiaDELATIQUE.12/13/2011 11:18 PM

    Firstly this site shoudnt even be up and running let alone asking for donations! After reading what i have read and not only the insanely sexist rant displayed here. I can honestly say that as a FEMALE metal head you and this site falls under nothin but POSER. You cant go telling people how to be Metal, doesn't quite work that way dude, you just become and grow into a person who likes Metal, appreciates the music, culture and scene. The metal scene is not perfect in many ways, it is deffinately not what it used to be. What ever happened to it being JUST about the music? fuck all these politics and oponions of a small minded ,sexist dickhead. THE SCENE DOESNT NEED YOU EITHER ! We dont need this hate man, you are the poser and clearly need to get laid(GOODLUCK THERE). I have seen girls at Metal gigs that I know are just there to support there partners but that is only a small portion of ppl at the hows. my HUSBAND is in a metal band and i have been to literally every show, I enjoy his shows, and also any Metal girl knows to move away from the guys deathpitting. and if you get hurt then fine! so FUCK YOU !i WILL keep goin to shows, I WILL keep enjoying metal and I WILL keep fighting dickheads like you. mkay? Alslo..I have seen plenty of poser guys that dont like the music and they start fights and ruin the night for everyone, Metal is both men and woman and there are always the exceptions MALE OR FEMALE that are going to ruin things for others, deal with it its called life an going out in public. Please for te sake of metal, you r opinions are shit and i swear are going to do nothing but bad to the TRUE metal scene.

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    1. Oh shit, we have a moralfag here! Seriously though, the right to be offended is about the stupidest right there is, and you miss, should pracice it when there isn't a keyboard in front of you! (oh and this is coming from a FUCKING METAL CHICK)

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  24. Thanks for your opinion buddy.

    It's people like you, who have turned off most of my friends from the "scene", not because they're posing but because people like you can't keep their hands and opinions to themselves.
    posing or not, that's still extra heads through the door.
    don't fucking complain when you can't see your favourite band anymore because the promoter can't afford to put them on/ pay them for their effort.
    especially now places like the wall want to take cash per head as well.

    be grateful these "trolls" keep kicking the scene while it's dying.

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    1. wobbly headed bob4/13/2013 10:24 PM

      I believe that most people here will rather take the scenes and music they love to their graves rather than see it infested with vacuous dipshits. Quality of people over quantity. At least it would be an honorable death, and not the cringe-inducing garbage you hope it becomes.

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  25. Haters gonna Hate....

    Im a metalhead through and through and some of my best experiences with ex's was seeing bands and gettin all fucked up in the mosh with them, most of them really are fans and love all the wayward elbows etc that go along with it.
    However, i have had one or two gf's that are EXACTLY like this, they even fooled me for months pretending to like the music I did for whatever reason, and we'd get to gigs and this is exactly how they'd act. This article is very accurate, but aimed at a small portion of 'metal' chicks. I know and respect the fact that there are real metal chicks out there (which personally I am drawn to) but this article is not about you. And the only good thing they DID do was pay admission which ultimately supported the band. Which I payed for anyway.

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  26. Females that got all butthurt at this 98% accurate posting... Please do not show up at any show that I'm at. I shove broads harder than bros in the mosh pit, just to punish them for being the kind of trashy whores that ruin good metal bands. Any chick that actually wants to go to a Vader show is a disgusting piece of trash. The corset, the combat boots, the black lipstick, etc... are all goth, NOT metal. This isn't Littleton Colorado, and this isn't 1999. For that matter it isn't 1986. Anyone who wears a metal uniform of any kind is by definition, a poser. I was the singer/guitarist in the opening band for a RattleheaD and Kaustik show in Boston a few months back, and every member of both bands, and the members of GAYzormaze that showed up as their man groupies, and their whoreish females, all wore the same black boots and just generally acted like a bunch of fags. Real metalheads don't bring broads, and don't wear leather, don't wear black, and just in general don't make faggoty spectacles of themselves. Rant over. Let the butthurt flaming begin.

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  27. You people are all fucking idiots. The guy who wrote this is a fucking idiot. The girls posting are fucking idiots. You all are clearly poseurs, the kind who throw metal horns at each other while talking about satan and comparing how many fucking ticket stubs they've collected. Metal ain't a fucking style. Metal is not your fucking clothes. Any guuy who says there's no metalhead girls is a fucking joke. Why do you care if people are metal or not? Why the fuck should anybody have to conform to what "metal" is, as defined by the self masturbating elitist and obviously male dominated metal kings? You all make. Me sick. I'm a guy and i'm fucking proud of the way I choose to live my life, and spending time caring about what others are doing, whether they are metal enough for me or not etc, fuck that shit. I got better things to do. Like drink a beer and fucking eenjoy watching slayer. You fucking jokes are the reason the metal scene is fucked and full of poseurs. I'm never coming back to this blog, I hope you all fucking die.

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    1. Liam you rock retards do suck hardcore and you are soo right calling out the fools interested in this convo

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  28. You people are all fucking idiots. The guy who wrote this is a fucking idiot. The girls posting are fucking idiots. You all are clearly poseurs, the kind who throw metal horns at each other while talking about satan and comparing how many fucking ticket stubs they've collected. Metal ain't a fucking style. Metal is not your fucking clothes. Any guuy who says there's no metalhead girls is a fucking joke. Why do you care if people are metal or not? Why the fuck should anybody have to conform to what "metal" is, as defined by the self masturbating elitist and obviously male dominated metal kings? You all make. Me sick. I'm a guy and i'm fucking proud of the way I choose to live my life, and spending time caring about what others are doing, whether they are metal enough for me or not etc, fuck that shit. I got better things to do. Like drink a beer and fucking eenjoy watching slayer. You fucking jokes are the reason the metal scene is fucked and full of poseurs. I'm never coming back to this blog, I hope you all fucking die.

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  29. I don't think I've ever seen a point missed so thoroughly and in so many different ways. I had a girlfriend like this once, and her falsity annoyed the shit out of me. The woman I married likes Metal on her own terms, and only comes with me to see bands she likes as an individual in her own right.

    Man. People fucking love looking for reasons to get outraged.

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  30. Hahaha! Shit's fucking hilarious! I see whorebags like these all the time at shows. Wearing heels and shit trying to look "hardcore" hoping that one of the band members pays enough attention to her. Bitch, take off those pumps and get in the pit.
    Just the other night I went to see Sepultura, Krisiun, Death Angel, and Havok, and while I was getting my 5'1 ass trampled in the pit (willingly) these broads were squirming at everyone around. If you don't expect to get fucked up STAY HOME.

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  31. TheRiseOfDenial4/22/2012 5:14 AM

    If any one here was actually a true metal FAN you wouldn't be worrying about the posers and trashy whores or who was or wasn't in the pit. A true metalhead is there for the musIc! Your their to support the band not bitch out on someone.
    Wether I am male or female does not matter. I am there for the music. I am there to watch the band perform. I may I may not go in the pit depends on how I feel at the time. I wear what I feel like which is a representation of who I am. Not what I want you to think I am. All of you on here have preached that they know the metal scene or they are a true metalhead. Can I ask why do you hold so tightly to the "rules" of being metal.? Metal is about freedom of expression, it alows you to explore and experiment. To make mistakes and grow from them. It a lifestyle that allowed you to be who you are, without the fear of what others think, or how tough you look.
    If these poser girls are such an annoyance to you rather than to write a blog on what makes you so angry about it. Write a blog on what you want them to wear. Write a guide for what they should wear. I commend the guys and girls that will go out of their comfort zone to support their friends or partners in something they like. Fair enough they might wear something trashy and it does not look good, but it's what they think metalhead want to see them wearing. Their not into metal so how should they know?
    And to be honest if you think that your opinion in such a negitive form will change anything, than your wrong.
    But will that make my opinion right?
    If you have to self proclaim your a metal head or a metal fan ..... Than are you really? Why does any true metal fan have to go out of their way to show others that they are? It's not about what others think of you, it what you think of the music.
    And to be honest I think so many metal fans forget that.
    It is so disheartening to see blogs and comments such as above because it's these that have incited such negitivity which has scarred the metal scene through social medias and general social opinion.
    Note that this is not an attack on anyone here or against brenocide. You all had the opportunity to voice your opinion, this is merely mine.
    I am a huge metal fan but I'm a fan on my own terms not yours.
    I'm a 23 year old woman I wear what defines me I listen to what speaks to my SOUL.
    Nothing else matters.
    (TheRiseOfDenial)

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  32. "Why do you hold so tightly to the rules of being metal?" I think someone who is Metal would know the answer to that..........
    Dudes with eyeliner and Dimmu Borgir shirts parading their "hot goth" chicks around at a show...lol
    I even saw a woman who i thought was a prostitute walking down the street, but the boyfriend had a metal t-shirt so i figured they were going to the show and said "ta hell is up with that? Is Wednesday 13 playing?"

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  33. Hey now, I'm a chick and I live for metal, although the couples that go and cling to each other in the mosh pit and freak when you bump into them drive me insane, and I have a more concerning complaint for the guys, just because i'm a girl in the mosh pit doesnt give you the right to come over and full out grope me! And yes I know the difference between being squished and rubbed up against in the mosh pit and someone grabbing a handful of ass or boobs! I hate it, it almost makes me want to stay at the back to stay clear but wheres the fun in being at the back, I'm there for the music just like you should be, so no groping please!

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  34. He's not being sexist - if you can understand exactly what kind of female at a show he's describing. Being a woman that loves metal, I cannot stand the chicks who do all the obnoxious things that he describes in this article.
    I can't count how many times I've pushed couples out of the way from the front. It's typical for a guy to 'shelter' his girl from the onslaught while she gets a front row spot to a band she doesn't even like. He spends his whole time making sure nobody, absolutely nobody, touches her. She's into the 'scene' because she likes being a novelty. It's maddening. So I knock them the hell out of my way so I can see what I came for, the band :)

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  35. Fuck trolls, fuck lobsters and fuck you. I wear red lipstick and eat steaks asshole. Rare steaks by myself. Oh and the confusion of a pretty girl walking into a metal show by her self is priceless. People hate me, but I hate them more. Btw I could care less about all this I'm just fucking booooored. Hail satan.

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  36. these posts are too long and indignant. metalheads like to get laid, and if bringing their girlfriend gets them laid, they will do it. yes, they are dumbasses, yes you should bust their noses in the pit. nuff said.

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  37. I'm a non metal girl but there is this metalhead dude in my year who fell for me and i don't understand why because i don't even listen to metal music but anyways from their i been to metal Shows before with my boyfriend.. he filled me in on what i can do and what i don't have to do if i want.. i went along with it.. he told me about Mosh pits showed me it and watched it and i gave it a go and yes it did hurt but yet again you have to get used to it .. and it was fun :D

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.