Bringing your Girlfriend to Shows

"I like the lead singer! He's really cute! What's this band called again?"

As a man who pays his proper respects to the metal gods, you can now enjoy a few perks that you may not have been able to experience in the past. One of the most valuable of these, is your uncanny ability to piss off a woman's father with your appearance alone. You see, girls are naturally driven to disappoint their parents. So fiercely, in fact, that it is not uncommon for them to bring an unsuspecting black man home, just to see the look on their father's face. Shit, if you are lucky enough to be a black metal head then you are like pure gold in a young woman's eyes...

Black gold.

So as strange as it may sound, there is a certain group of females who will seek you out. They will pretend to like and know things about your musical tastes in order to intrigue you, all in the efforts of forming a relationship that her dad will be ashamed of. I am happy for you friend. By all means, rejoice in that action while it lasts.

Whatever you do with her, or whatever your relationship, leave that gabby idiot at home while the rest of us enjoy our metal show. 

Metal shows are sacred rituals in which metal heads from neighboring cites and states congregate in one single venue to rejoice in our common fandom of a certain metal band or group of bands. This is a gathering where men can be men; we celebrate by hitting each other, banging our heads until our necks are broken, shaking our fists and yelling a lot. Or at least that's what I should be doing. God forbid my elbow meets your broad's face because she's 5'1 with platform shoes, and you get all vindictive about it. 

I never thought a human voice without microphone assistance would be capable of cutting through drums, bass, rhythm guitar and lead guitar all at once, but somehow, she makes it possible. Her opinion needs to be heard wherever she goes, and she has to holler it, because the music is 'oh my god, really loud'. She also has to be up front, as close to the mosh pit as possible, so that she can get a really good view of the band, but looks really flustered and upset when 'that guy almost hit me'. The band in question she isn't familiar with, and doesn't really like; but she's wearing that black lipstick she bought at Hot Topic clearance, so to keep appearances, she will clap and squeal at the end of every song.

As the boyfriend, not only are you responsible for ruining everybody's good mood by bringing your pet troll, but you are now also ridiculous and out of place yourself. You cling tenaciously to your female, convinced that your fellow metal brethren are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to pounce on and ravage your true love the moment your arms aren't draped around her shoulders. So now, instead of having any fun yourself, you're too caught up in this irrational fear of the rest of us snatching away your precious poon and stand around clutching her like a tool. Sounds like a night to remember...

The fact of the matter is this: a Dying Fetus show is not a date. It's not. At her very core, no matter what she says to you, she doesn't actually want to be there. It's loud, it's smelly, and it's violent. She's your girlfriend. Take her to Red Lobster or some shit. Leave the rest of us out of it.