That Guy in a Tool Hoodie

 The man in the photo I am using is a professional model, in an attempt to protect Tool hoodie guys everywhere...

As the frigid winds of early winter are upon us, bundling up for the cold weather becomes a necessity. Black hoodies are becoming commonplace in the heavy metal community, and will provide you that extra layer of cotton necessary to make it through the winter months in their entirety. If anybody talks to you about "North Face", tell them that you haven't heard of them, and ask if they sound like Darkthrone. After all, you're no fairy. Amon Amarth has filmed entire music videos during Swedish winters with nothing else on except tight, black jeans and leather wrist gauntlets. Keep Johan Hegg's bare, frosted nipples in mind next time anybody recommends you fleece-lined anything.

Hooded sweatshirt season also means that a particular, commonly-sighted creature will emerge from his long hibernation during the warmer months. Some call him a nickname he picked himself, such as "Raven" or "Dak"; others refer to him as "yeah, I don't really know who that guy is, I think he's that guy's friend". However, we all know him infamously as "that one guy in the Tool hoodie".

Tool hoodie guys all have their own little differences, but are ultimately the same. Here are some distinguishing features to look out for:

• Disheveled goatee or chin beard.
• Wearing an over-sized black, hooded sweatshirt with a Tool logo on it.
• Loose-fitting jeans or in worst cases, bondage pants. 
• A hunched stature, lacking in confidence 
• Stands around quietly smiling or smoking a cigarette while the rest of you and metal friends talk about music. 

Nobody really knows just how big of a fan he is of Tool, because nobody in his company actually likes, or wants to talk about a band that lost all relevance a decade ago. However, one must assume his dedication to them must be very serious, seeing as how he is going to wear that one hoodie every day, from summer's end until next spring. Although it is faded from years of typical wear and tear, we can only assume that as his only piece of outerwear, it is washed a minimal number of times.

Shrouded in mystery, scientists can only guess at what Tool hoodie guy says when approached with the intent to communicate. Hypotheses have been thrown around, such as how he would describe how those ignorant radio listeners who like the song "Schism" don't actually 'get it', or how A Perfect Circle 'had a lot of potential'. 

Although he seems like a good natured individual, and may enjoy listening to and playing true Heavy Metal as much as the next guy; due to his constant silence and the band name on his hoodie, we're just going to have to take the safe route and assume that there isn't anything metal about this individual.

Sorry, Dak.