Sunday, December 5, 2010

That Guy in a Tool Hoodie

 The man in the photo I am using is a professional model, in an attempt to protect Tool hoodie guys everywhere...

As the frigid winds of early winter are upon us, bundling up for the cold weather becomes a necessity. Black hoodies are becoming commonplace in the heavy metal community, and will provide you that extra layer of cotton necessary to make it through the winter months in their entirety. If anybody talks to you about "North Face", tell them that you haven't heard of them, and ask if they sound like Darkthrone. After all, you're no fairy. Amon Amarth has filmed entire music videos during Swedish winters with nothing else on except tight, black jeans and leather wrist gauntlets. Keep Johan Hegg's bare, frosted nipples in mind next time anybody recommends you fleece-lined anything.
Hooded sweatshirt season also means that a particular, commonly-sighted creature will emerge from his long hibernation during the warmer months. Some call him a nickname he picked himself, such as "Raven" or "Dak"; others refer to him as "yeah, I don't really know who that guy is, I think he's that guy's friend". However, we all know him infamously as "that one guy in the Tool hoodie".

Tool hoodie guys all have their own little differences, but are ultimately the same. Here are some distinguishing features to look out for:

  • Disheveled goatee or chin beard.
  • Wearing an over-sized black, hooded sweatshirt with a Tool logo on it.
  • Loose-fitting jeans or in worst cases, bondage pants. 
  • A hunched stature, lacking in confidence 
  • Stands around quietly smiling or smoking a cigarette while the rest of you and metal friends talk about music. 

Nobody really knows just how big of a fan he is of Tool, because nobody in his company actually likes, or wants to talk about a band that lost all relevance a decade ago. However, one must assume his dedication to them must be very serious, seeing as how he is going to wear that one hoodie every day, from summer's end until next spring. Although it is faded from years of typical wear and tear, we can only assume that as his only piece of outerwear, it is washed a minimal number of times.

Shrouded in mystery, scientists can only guess at what Tool hoodie guy says when approached with the intent to communicate. Hypotheses have been thrown around, such as how he would describe how those ignorant radio listeners who like the song "Schism" don't actually 'get it', or how A Perfect Circle 'had a lot of potential'. 

Although he seems like a good natured individual, and may enjoy listening to and playing true Heavy Metal as much as the next guy; due to his constant silence and the band name on his hoodie, we're just going to have to take the safe route and assume that there isn't anything metal about this individual.

Sorry, Dak.


  1. This hits too close to home.

  2. I never got tool, all their songs seem to be 7 minutes of boredom

  3. i love tool and have deep respect for them. but i understand your point of view here. and the fact that tool fans (a lot of them anyways are stuck up and don't care about the music)

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Tool suck! No wait, they are fucking awesome. No wait they suck. Etc. In all seriousness though, tools music provides some good life lessons. "over thinking, over analysing, separates the body from the mind". Lyrics to live by.

    Yeah...i guess i wait love tool. Sigh.

  6. It's interesting how you figured a BLOG about being "hardcore/metal blah blah blah" would gain you the respect and title you so sorely (obviously) need to feel important. You know what's NOT "metal"? having a FUCKING BLOG to post your mindless, small opinions.

  7. hahaha this is so fucking true. those hardcore tool fans are exactly like this. they're just "there". don't know what to do with them. even though i am guilty of listening to tool though.

  8. maybe tool fans stand there in silence because they are infatuated with how retarded all of you "heavy metal" fans really are. it's funny how you say tool lost all relevance a decade ago, yet they sell out a us tour in 10 minutes. not only that...everytime they come out with a cd where does it debut? oh that's right #1. i think you (faggot who wrote this super metal BLOG) are jealous and upset with your own musical tastes. tard

  9. Replies
    1. you suck

    2. I got a kick out of the first passage, however I do have to disagree regarding Tool fans, I actually have found (all the ones I have met) them to be far more interesting to talk to then most any other human. That said, I find the post about them irrelevant on a heavy metal site, as they have nothing to do with heavy metal but are a true mind and body experience of ecstasy through revelation, and you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

  10. Tool fans (like fans of Pink Floyd, Rush, Dream Theater, Radiohead, etc) like to fool themselves into thinking the muisc they like is somehow deep and complex.
    This leads to the idea that they are deep and complex. That makes as much sense as saying "I like Sprite, therefor I am smarter than someone who likes Coke".
    Theres nothing deep, complex, or thought provoking about Tool. They made/make bland music for sissy boys. Get the fuck over it.

    1. Dude, don't compare Tool to Pink Floyd.
      That's what Maynard wants you to do.

  11. Fuck tool and everyone that likes them.

  12. It would be nice to read about " That guy in his 40's wearing a Megadeth shirt living in his mom's basement. " or " that guy in a slayer shirt drinking pabst blue ribbon signing Reign in Blood on the subway." And my most interesting observation " that long haired viking wannabe guy in the Mayhem shirt smoking meth".

  13. This just left me what? Tool have a number of pretentious fans who think that their music is a direct message to another realm, but they also have a number of fans (like me) who just think they simply write amazing rock songs, nothing more - I don't read too much into their music, I just like what I hear. You must be pretty narrow minded to judge someone purely on the basis of the band name on the front of someone's hoodie.

  14. All the Tool fans Ive ever met were faggot ass vegan bitchs.
    Fuck Tool

  15. Ahem. Not to blow my own trumpet but I am 25 from the U.K, was a 'metal' fan before I was a Tool fan, I write live and album reviews for an online metal-zine (the last one was Hypocrisy and then it was supposed to be Suffocation but had to miss it due to guitar teaching bookings and rehearsal commitments with my band,) have played in death and thrash bands since I was 15, have been going to metal gigs for about 11 years and to what I imagine would be to your eternal frustration, only own one band hoodie... The world has no need for metal elitist keyboard warriors, people can listen to whatever they want and think whatever they want about it can't they? I understand this is just your own opinion but in all honesty it is extremely generalised and derogatory. If you're ever in London at a metal gig I'll see you in the pit, I'll be the one bouncing off you in a Tool hoodie having a wicked time and not giving a fuck what you listen to, as long as it makes you happy and you stick up for it if someone is trying to tell you otherwise. If you would like to continue this conversation I would be happy to talk to you on FB or email as unfortunately I don't use any of your listed mediums. If not however, I hope you will heed my advice to drop the bigotry and learn some tolerance.

  16. Fuck tolerance and fuck Tool.


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