Putting Real Effort into Hating Justin Bieber

Okay. He's an annoying, little wuss. When are they not?

The Backstreet Boys.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how upset did you become upon reading that name? In all honesty, it probably barely phased you much at all. Let's go back in time a bit, then. Pretend that it is 1997. You just finished waiting for your 28k modem to dial-in and access your AOL account. From there, you attempt to access my geocities web page at a snail's pace. As you watch the words start to load, you see me asking you the same question. I guarantee you that if you are a young man in that time period, the second you read that name, your blood pressure shoots through the roof. Your mind is clouded with visions of their pencil mustaches, pink lips, doey eyes, and the sea of screaming, crying, brace-faced teenage girls who are unreasonably, madly in love with them.

So let's try this again...

Justin Bieber.


Easy there champ, he's not in the room and his skull isn't readily available for the smashing. So what's the 1 to 10 rating now? If it's 11, as I am safely assuming, then you and I need to have a little talk...

Justin Bieber is just the latest in a VERY long line of pop music teenage heart throbs. The formula of packaging and selling a popular act based on what makes the general female populous moist in the pants, dates back from NSYNC, to Hanson, to New Kids on the Block, all the way to The Beatles, Elvis Presley, and Jesus of Nazareth. This isn't anything new or different we are experiencing here. Justin Bieber is just the hated boy toy of your generation like many before him. Also, like all those before him, in due time, he will quickly become irrelevant as his pre-teen girl fans outgrow his nonsense, and record producers cast him aside as they move on to the next big thing. What you should be doing is sitting down, putting on a Finntroll album to lift your mood, opening a beer, and waiting this whole Justin Bieber thing out. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. Don't seek his music out, and stop bringing him up every time you watch a music video on YouTube that you enjoy, or for that matter, don't enjoy.

"Yeah, this is REAL music. Not like that JUSTIN BIEBER GARBAGE. Long live metal!! \m/"

Oh, you.

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, kindly shut your stupid hole. We are all trying to enjoy some real, genuine heavy metal, a genre that has stood unwavering for nearly half a century, and you have to ruin the mood with some ridiculous pop music comparison. You know who you should compare to Nile? Melechesh. Now there's a goddamn argument. Raise up the difficulty level a little bit for you stupid pansies. 

Where have you boys left your balls? Nowadays metal discussion is a "down with Justin Bieber", followed by a big group hug and passing of cocoa. It's like we'll find anything with a distorted electric guitar acceptable in the face of this little Bieber dork and his whiny fans. Also, speaking of his fans, I'm assuming you all must have gotten really riled up by this kid's declaration of war against you. Seriously? The moment anyone watches this video, the only rational thing to do is laugh very hard, and never speak of Justin Bieber again. I know this child speaks ill of metal in his little vlog, but let's be real here. We know that you started this. This little dweeb probably didn't even hear the word "metal" once in his little Disney Channel watching life, until you numbskulls started flooding his favorite singer's video comments with your irrational hate.

What are we doing here? The right thing for us as metalheads to do is come together, and once again, fight amongst ourselves. In only a few short years, Justin Bieber is going to replaced for the next goon that record producers use to sell sex to little girls. Yet your fellow headbangers with flawed opinions in your own genre are always going to be there. 

Stop wasting your time fighting against popular music, and get back to what matters: fighting each other.