Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ozzy Osbourne

Recent photo taken of Ozzy Osbourne with lovely wife , Sharon.
Although it took a couple of years for me to realize it, I was finished with Ozzy Osbourne long before the date of my birth. Before I even escaped through the gates of my mother's open womanhood, and wailed misogynistic putdowns at the nurses who clumsily handled me, Osbourne was several years into an underwhelming, incredibly overrated solo career, making pop rock albums and love songs under the supervision of the wife he should have successfully strangled all those years ago.

"How dare you" some of you must be thinking, although I'm sure more curse words and homophobic slurs will be involved. Who am I to take on the self-proclaimed "Prince of Darkness"? As the front man to legendary Heavy Metal pioneers, Black Sabbath, Osbourne was at the forefront of the very genre's creation back in the early 70's. If there is one person who should be considered true metal, looking at the history and putting aside the flaws, you might think it would be Ozzy. But metal; she is a cruel mistress. She is relentlessly unforgiving. No one is deserving of a free pass in her realm, not even one of her many supposed fathers. The simple fact of the matter is, when we take a step back and look at what Osbourne has done for the world of music, he took part in maybe one good decade of true metal service, but has now been riding on his own crazy train for three decades of pure buffoonery.

If his borderline-glam rock and drug-fueled hijinks in the 80's wasn't enough to convince you, we now have Ozzfest, a rock festival with band lineups that become increasingly hit-or-miss as the years go by. (I don't know many Skeletonwitch fans that care for Motley Crue.) I don't really want to go into the reality TV show, "The Osbournes", where Ozzy and his fat, whiny, entitled children were the laughing stock of MTV for four agonizing seasons, but yeah, there is definitely that. So what we have is this man who is an oversold, overproduced, and over-publicized shell of his former self. His mind, too fried from decades of drug abuse to recognize the destruction of his own integrity. Although a couple of years ago, during an episode of the aforementioned reality series, I watched as he argued with Sharon and a group of his managers against the idea of singing a Christmas carol with Jessica Simpson. "I'm the #@*%ing Prince of Darkness!" he mumbled angrily with signature censorship in place, as they chased around and taunted him with the idea of how cute it would be for the cameras. It didn't take much to break an already broken man, and he did it. There was a glimmer of hope there, neurons fired through Osbourne's scrambled brain as he recollected for a brief moment who he was supposed to be. However, wherever there is Sharon, hope is forsaken, and it was all the strength I could muster to not weep upon witnessing the long, painful death that was Ozzy Osbourne's reputation. It continues to this day, and it shows no signs of stopping...




Samsung mobile phones, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Pepsi, World of Warcraft, Brisk Iced Tea, (just to name the ones off to top of my head) and now an upcoming Best Buy commercial where Ozzy stars with none other than teen heartthrob, and favorite punching bag for dumber metal fans, Justin Bieber. Ozzy Osbourne has been reduced to nothing more than a bumbling mascot to sell our big name products, most likely in an attempt to maintain the lifestyle of luxury for his gabby, annoying wife, and freeloading, pompous brats, with long-since failed careers of their own.

Meanwhile Sharon Osbourne, riding the coat tails of her husband's success all the way to circumstances where people think she matters, spends her time taking the piss out of people on NBC's televised talent show, "America's Got Talent". Sharon Osbourne is a lot like the school lunch lady sitting at the judge's desk of a middle school talent show. Everybody knows who she is, and they needed to put somebody in the chair. What nobody expects however, is upon being put in this position, the lunch lady gets this delusion of grandeur, assuming she now has a critical eye for raw skill and talent, and judges the students harshly on their performance, as if she has any right herself to do so.

It might not be right, it might not be fair, but with all the violations stacked up against him, whether by his hand or Sharon's, what was once metal, is certainly no more. You just can't be considered anywhere close to true metal when you sell out that much and that frequently. I will even go as far as saying that Black Sabbath became a vastly superior band upon Ozzy's exit, and with the addition of the late great Ronnie James Dio. The fact that the only Sabbath tunes that get any air time are the ones fronted by Ozzy, is nothing short of a crime against music, and is only attributed to Osbourne's popularity in the mainstream. Black Sabbath's metal mastery was forged by the hands of guitarist Tony Iommi, and Heavy Metal's creation should be credited more to him than anyone else. I'm positive that Heavy Metal would have been just fine, if not better off without a man like Ozzy Osbourne. At the end of the day, when you look past everything, Ozzy is just a singer, and not a truly great one at that. Black Sabbath wouldn't have been anything to write home about without Iommi's signature, down-tuned playing. The solo albums Blizzard of Ozz, and Diary of a Madman wouldn't have been what they were without the shredding style of Randy Rhodes. Heavy Metal was and is a genre defined by its guitar work, not its vocal style. It is because of this, I find it so easy to dismiss Osbourne for everything that he's worth.

Sorry Ozzy. Maybe to offset all my hateful banter I can give you and Sharon an idea for a breakfast cereal. There will be little marshmallow bats for you to bite the heads off of! I know, Count Chocula is already all over that, but just go with it. I know you guys are no strangers to lawsuits, anyway.

Well I think that tears it...

39 comments:

  1. Ozzy did write a lot of the psycho lyrics though.

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  2. i agree with this completely. Ozzy was only decent in Black Sabbath because the rest of the band carried him. He is immensely overrated.

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  3. Yes, what is up about having Motley Crue in OzzFest? The only good thing about their set was me yelling Posers! and Sexist Pigs. LA was a grim area for metal back in the eighties thanks to them.

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  4. I don't know why an ass-hole like Ozzy is called metal(not only by the mainstream media or by non-metalheads and posers who think that everything with a "heavy" distorted guitar is metal) by folks in true metal communities like some of the folk at the metal archives. He was the least talented of all Sabbath vocalists (I hated his vocals, Dio did a better job doing the early songs.. listen to Live Evil). He didn't even contribute much to the early work of the band (which defined the genre)... he only contributed to the melody of the vocal parts(singing mostly to the same melody as the riffs.... couldn't even come up with separate vocal melodies, what a douche!). But I disagree on what you said about metal having nothing to do with vocals... that's bull-shit, man! Metal is about every single instrument in the band!...that includes the vocals (although the guitars are the main driving force)! And Dio was the guy who came and showed us true metal vocals and the metal horns...he is the one who filtered out the bluesy hippie stuff from Sabbath... he's more worthy of the title, "The Godfather of Metal"!

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    1. NocturnalTerror4/26/2012 11:47 AM

      "bluset hippe shit" What, you mean doom metal?

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  5. I never once said "metal has nothing to do with vocals". What I said was "Heavy Metal was and is a genre defined by its guitar work, not its vocal style". You yourself said guitars are the main-driving force. That was the only point I was making.

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  6. Sad but true, guitarists do the heavy lifting, he even tried to ride on Zack Wylde for a while there appearing on Jimmy Kimmel n such.......if only he dumped that bitch sooner before she ruined him, poor guy.

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  7. Ozzy is really overrated O_O

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    1. Lol wow- yeah he only sang leads for the band that invented metal. LOL wow I gotta get off this page before i have a meltdown. What are you 12?

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  8. Mr Crowley may need to impart some wisdom on your ass.
    From: total suckup

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  9. Rodríguez10/18/2011 7:39 PM

    I find the Ozzy years to be the best of Black Sabbath. And he has great solo work, but for the most part you are right. Ozzfest is what brought us to nu metal and is mostly a sucky festival. However, he did bring us BLS and Zakk Wylde. As much of a jerk as he is, at least he can play guitar very good and has very good songs with BLS.

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    1. BLS is brobang bullshit.
      Fuck you poser.

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  10. Most absolutley. I couldn't agree more. Ozzy stopped being metal...was he ever metal? He's always sold out at every turn (true metal refuses to sell out to the masses)and his wife has even thrown eggs at Maiden, a true metal band just because they criticized stupid bullshit like reality tv and selling out. Well excuse me for staying true. The thing with justin biever was the last straw, I mean, they're the same person. If any true metal musician had been asked to do that they'd tell the promoters to go fuck themselves with a thorn bush.

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  11. Eh, I prefer the Ozzy-era of Sabbath to the Dio-era

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    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 3:16 AM

      I'll remember to find you in Valhalla, my friend. And it won't be to share some mead.

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    2. The first black sabbath album, that had ozzy right?

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  12. That's Randy Rhoads, not Rhodes. You should know better.

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  13. NocturnalTerror4/26/2012 11:49 AM

    "bluesy hippie shit" What, you mean doom metal?

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  14. I like his work up to No More Tears. He is talented, and his vocals aren't bad at all back in his day. Check out some bootleg sabbath from the Ozzy days, he wails in some of it. If he had ended it with No More Tours, his legacy would have stayed intact. After that though.....

    Oh, what really, really ticks me off is what happened to Daisley and Kerslake!

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  15. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 3:29 AM

    Ozzy wishes he was Dio... Dio was a good guy with a great voice. Ozzy is a spoiled asshole with no respect and a whiney/mumbly voice that people mistake for being interesting. As if he's not a big enough asshole for not liking Iron Maiden, he stooped to the level of having his wife egg them? Immature. Selfish. Disrespectful. Just fucking annoying. The guys a turbodouche.

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  16. I was a teenager during his solo career in the 80s. Randy and Ozzy were legends even after Randy was gone (the whole decade) Ozzy was a crazy totally metal mad man back than. He helped put heavy metal on the map to many of us suburban kids. He was metal in the 80s, just watch anything live with Randy or Jake, Sharon's influence was much weaker back than. I remember the Motley Crue story of him snorting ants (not sharons idea lol) . In the 80s my favorite band was Maiden but I know what Ozzy represented. Those of us that didnt like Def Leppard picked up Judas Priest, Maiden and Ozzy records (1980-84 period). The key with OZZY is no one expected him to live past the 80s by much. He had no plan for the last decades so Sharon by default. I dont like Sharon whatsoever, but no way Ozzy is alive today without her, so its a trade-off.

    I haven't bought an Ozzy record in 20 years but I know he will always be a legend. Thats why even after the egg throwing incident Steve Harris went to Ozzy and apologized for what Bruce had said. Anyway, Steve Harris knows Ozzy is the grandfather of metal, and our grandfathers get old, forgetful, short tempered, and they can do irrational things, things we do not like, but we still love them all the same. They are family after all \m/

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    1. Amen to that......

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  17. Ozzie osbourne's career is 40 years long. But I never liked his voice. It doesn't go with metal. It is my personal opinion :|

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  18. I think all you Ozzy bashers are a bunch of wankers. He is a legend and Black Sabbath as a band wouldn't have been around for Dio to be part of if it wasn't for him. You think you know metal.... you know f@*k all!! Of course Ozzy wouldnt have been Ozzy without the other original members either but that's not my argument. Anyone, who thinks they know TRUE metal and think Ozzy was shit, needs to pull their heads out of their arse!! From me and the rest of the Ozzy fans out there.... A big fat get F*#KED!! And if your gonna try and bash a legend at least spell their name right Tanjil you tosser!! With a name like that your probably into Indian Metal anyway!!

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  19. p.s. ...."All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence."

    Whatever....

    I visited this sight by accident. I thought it would make good reading. I think every person on this free Earth is allowed an opinion. If your gonna slam Heavy Metal Wannabies then slam some of the big hair bands of the 80's and 90's.... Barely Metal not Heavy Metal. Pitiful existence you say.... I would rather that then live in a f#@ken dream world like half the idiots who commented above do!

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  20. Idi 'Big Daddy' Amin12/18/2012 2:47 PM

    Can't help laughing about a bunch of angry teenagers who bought their first guitar-based album six months ago talking trash about the undisputed voice of heavy metal.

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    1. Amen... well said

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  21. The only reason any of you pissant face touchers thinks Ozzy Osbourne is a "legend" is because a VH1 countdown told you he was. Turn off the radio and hang yourselves.

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    1. You "Brenocide" are a prized cock with a comment like that!! You obviously have no back up with your comment when it only consists of 2 lines. "The only reason any of you pissant face touchers thinks Ozzy Osbourne is a "legend" is because a VH1 countdown told you he was".... is that all you have got?? Fuck off back to your world of Beiber you prized prick!

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    2. I would say that's "all I got", except, you know, I wrote that article. It's up there, if you want to read it again. Also, nothing waves your flag of ignorance harder and prouder than a statement like "Fuck off back to your world of Beiber you prized prick!", which means you're one of those dipshits who thinks there are only two types of people in this world: the type who think "No More Tears" is just the best song ever (and cranks up the FM radio upon hearing it), and people who love Justin Bieber. Because I think Ozzy is an overrated suckbag, there's just no way, in your mind, that I don't belong to the latter. Which really just confuses me exponentially, given the fact that I used an image of Ozzy Osbourne posing with Justin Bieber to discredit him, right? Did you miss that? I mean, how could you have? How does it work out logically in your mind that you can make an assumption like I'm a Justin Bieber fan? Go ahead there chum, give that your best shot. Don't just leave me hanging here with the evident fact that you're just another complete fucking retard. It depresses me to know it.

      Ozzy Osbourne is legendary to me the same way some pop music fuck like Slash or Dee Snider is legendary. Except even less so. Ozzy Osbourne is a corporate puppet, a household name on the same level as Walmart, and an unfunny joke to those of us who know better. Kindly fuck off.

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  22. What the fuck is with the influx of all these mouthbreathers with a hard-on for what VH1 says is metal??? go back to worshiping Eddie Trunk you Neckbearded assholes. Ozzy fucking blows.

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    1. What the fuck is this VH1 and Eddie Trunk bullshit you fucking idiots keep refering too?? I dont live in the US!!.... if thats where it is broadcasted. Ahhh I just went and searched his name on google.... "The latest from Eddie Trunk (@EddieTrunk). Radio and Television personality. Celebrating all things rock since 1983! VH1 Classic TV..... are you fucken serious... do you think a metal purist like myself would base his opinion on Metal from what a fucken "rock" DJ thinks? Go fuck yourself Grasen you prized twat!!

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  23. Ozzy doesn't even like th term heavy metal. And ive heard them say Lemmy is th oldfather of metal. And those of us who know th ways know that black sabbath were not th only band who sounded that heavy back then,some even before sabbath. I would list these bands but some of you don't deserve to know. Maybe vh1 will tell you. We like to keep th good stuff away from th peanut gallery..

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  24. oxy osborne.1/30/2013 3:03 PM

    I don't care for posting on th innersphere and consorting with th fatheaded children of th metal world but I enjoy this site for not bein gay like metalsucks etc......I shall return to shit upon your detractors and help you expose th pose.

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  25. Ozzy is A rock god! Get over yourselfs! )0(

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  26. OZZY IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ROCK N' ROLL. PERIOD!

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  27. "(I don't know many Skeletonwitch fans that care for Motley Crue."
    I don't know many metal fans that care for Skeletonwitch. Haha...

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  28. Criticizing popular figures like Ozzy and Pantera to draw hits is pathetic - why not promote bands you actually like instead? Oh I know - because then your troll site would be deprived of oxygen. Rather ironic if you ask me.

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  29. I don't really care for Ozzy and whatever he does in his MTV life. I still, however, have respect for that man.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.