Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Nerd Metal

Let us raise our hands and pray to the irony gods. 
I really don't think there is anything more obnoxious in metal today than the classification system we use to label our sub-genres. Case in point: the phrase "nerd metal" is a completely redundant one. If you listen to metal, it is a cold hard fact that you are a hopeless social reject who's shunned by his/her peers. Your music isn't what the cool kids are listening to; that's half the appeal of it. Also, this isn't like your after school anime club. Don't think for half a second that you'll find brotherhood or acceptance in the metal community. What a load if you thought otherwise. I'll never think you're as metal as I am, and I'll shun your pathetic ass just as hard, if not more so than any jock or cheerleader ever would. I am the MVP of metal. 

"So what exactly would somebody call nerd metal?" you inquire of me, because you're dumb and you don't know. Fret not, I'll be happy to explain to you all about nerd metal, or as we should more properly refer to it: Asperger's metal.

The majority (99.99%) of nerd metal consists of garage bands playing video game themes with distorted guitars. Most notable of these acts being Powerglove. Since Powerglove does a good amount of themes from different video games, are well-produced musically, and open up for a lot of big name metal acts as kind of an ironic novelty, nobody else really needs to. Regardless of this, 50-100 new hand-flapping face touchers upload tracks of themselves chugging Final Fantasy tunes on their black Epiphones every day to Myspace Music and YouTube, giving themselves and their sausage-fingered pals an 8-bit boner for turning The Legend of Zelda into something you can speed pick to. 

The rest of nerd metal is a bunch of mouth breathers pursuing originality by means of making terrible music and incorporating sounds, odd time signatures, and instruments that don't really make sense. I was trolling around on Metal Sucks today to find out the latest horribly produced underground progressive post blackened screamcore grind deathgroove band the site was madly in love with this particular afternoon, and I instead stumbled on to this treasure trove of retarded: 

I'm a nerd too, but I'm a better enough nerd to know that this blows. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate technological references. Don't think even for a moment that the Brenocide doesn't know his computers. He's using one. Check out this HTML. Sweet, right? I could have used the font tools that Blogger provided me, but I totally hit that shit hard with inequality signs, slashes and some B's and I's. I'm just 1337 57r337 like that. The only "core" I respect is a quad one. I swap hard drives like spit with your sister. I know enough to know that "Random Access Memory" is a kind of data storage, and has nothing to do with a sudden recollection of thoughts pertaining to a girlfriend who broke up with you and your neck beard.

The Unhandled Exceptions might be a bunch of big dudes with Dio shirts and long locks, but how in Oden's name does something like this even come close to being considered metal? This is less metal than a not metal thing. Look at that bass player, he has less explosive energy than a Bangkok bowel movement. Nice guitar strap by the way, it really lightens up the mood. I have a poncho just like it. Also, electric drum kit? What? Enjoy your MIDI-settings, Douche Leppard. The front man sings much the same way I moan and groan after I eat too much (any) Jack in the Box. And seriously, where's the gain in all this? Distortion is your friend. It's your only friend, since you don't have any. This might as well be played through the clean channel of a dying amplifier. It's the worst music I've heard since I got up this morning. 

In a fantasy sense, metal has a strong basis in nerdery. A countless number of metal songs for instance, are inspired by the works of Tolkien and similar fantasy and horror authors. Nobody gets that better than I do. A lot of us and our favorite artists are the D&D or Magic The Gathering playing type. We are a part of a genre and community full of fucking dorks. It's just how things are. However, there's a line, and people are crossing it. There's nothing metal about microprocessors or lines of code; unless these things are used to design a murder-bot sent on a mission to take an automated chainsaw to all of mankind. I also don't see the appeal of playing overblown guitar covers of Megaman songs like its going out of style.

So future parents, please be extremely cautious of where you take your children to get their vaccines. They might grow up to tuck their hair behind their ears and play nerd rock. 


  1. I totally agree. This ain't metal. Seconds they started playing I thought WTF is this?
    I would not even call this rock!! This is as terrible as the Tumb out on the devil horns:-P

  2. Damn it Bren. When i saw the title I was so ready to argue with you. Unlike many of some other commenters on other posts I took the time and read this carefully. Upon completion I realized something...
    Much like many arguments with you in the past I had already lost. Despite my fondness for the blue bomber and metal they don't belong (especially with lyrics.

  3. It's even less metal to spell Odin as oden.

    1. Quorthon used to write "Oden" on his albums. So it is very acceptable term. Do your metal research next time, poser.

  4. I could spell it "Wouten" if that would stop your lil tummy ache.

  5. stupid ass. your whole website sucks. you lose.

  6. It actually kicks fucking ass, and I win at everything you fail at. How's your website with world-wide views, regular readers and renowned hilarity? Oh that's right, the highlight of your life is spewing shit on mine. You could say you'd rather be out having a life, but that's kind of hard to believe seeing as how you wrote an essay worth of paragraphs all around my page about how much my opinion hurts your vagina.

  7. Oh elitist... are first ones to fall.

  8. Hilarious and true blog, but isn't it a little mean to pick on people with Autism?

  9. i liked the advantage when they first came out.
    but now theres WAY too much of this crap.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.