Thumbs

I like to joke around a lot here on TNM. I feel that humor is a good way to deal with legitimate frustrations in kind of a therapeutic fashion. Heavy Metal falsities are indeed a constant source of comedy, provided you don't let them get to you much (I do). However, there is nothing funny about this. Today's metal violation is probably one of the most common, and therefore, one of the most upsetting. I also strongly consider it as the most vile and inexcusable...

Poking your thumb out when you throw up the horns. Disgusting. 

I hope to god if I see you doing this, it's because you're deaf and you're telling someone you love them. Why? Because that's what doing this means in American sign language. This is the hand sign for "I love you".  It's the least metal thing, ever. Since you are at a metal show, I'm going to assume you listen to metal music, and since you are physically capable of listening, I am going to safely assume that you are not a deaf person. (Not yet anyway.) Also, as a metal fan, you shouldn't be capable of love in the first place. So what's your excuse? All the other hands in the crowd are doing it correctly by the hundreds, if not thousands. If you jut your thumb out along with the sign of the horns at a metal show, you're giving me permission to come over and snap it out of its socket.

When the late great Dio brought the maloik to the the metal world (and yes, it was Dio, all you Gene Simmons fan boys who edit Wikipedia on his behalf deserve a fist to the sack), he didn't hold it backwards, he didn't cock it sideways and downward like a fruit, and he certainly didn't stick his thumb out. He formed his fist into a perfect gargoyle skull, jutted his index finger and pinky finger straight to the sky in perfect devil horn formation and then aimed it straight towards you with menacing glory, granting anyone in between the sights of his horns an instant orgasm. That essentially is what a maloik is. It is a portable gargoyle head that is used for the purposes of warding off evil spirits. It is the smartphone of gargoyles.

The only time it's okay to hit a woman.  

Every time you do it wrong, you are disgracing the power and the glory that is Dio, and anyone capable of doing that will never be metal ever. Even if your favorite band is Battlelore and you live out in the woods for trollplaying purposes, I will never forgive you. You are a permanent failure in the eyes of heavy metal purity. True Metal Redemption requires of you to go into your dad's garage, and give a double thumbs up to his running table saw. This will ensure that you are no longer capable of making the same disgraceful error ever again.

Enjoy playing Call of Duty with your palms, you walking apology from the condom factory. You've earned it.