Saturday, February 26, 2011

Thumbs


I like to joke around a lot here on TNM. I feel that humor is a good way to deal with legitimate frustrations in kind of a therapeutic fashion. Heavy Metal falsities are indeed a constant source of comedy, provided you don't let them get to you much (I do). However, there is nothing funny about this. Today's metal violation is probably one of the most common, and therefore, one of the most upsetting. I also strongly consider it as the most vile and inexcusable...

Poking your thumb out when you throw up the horns. Disgusting. 

I hope to god if I see you doing this, it's because you're deaf and you're telling someone you love them. Why? Because that's what doing this means in American sign language. This is the hand sign for "I love you".  It's the least metal thing, ever. Since you are at a metal show, I'm going to assume you listen to metal music, and since you are physically capable of listening, I am going to safely assume that you are not a deaf person. (Not yet anyway.) Also, as a metal fan, you shouldn't be capable of love in the first place. So what's your excuse? All the other hands in the crowd are doing it correctly by the hundreds, if not thousands. If you jut your thumb out along with the sign of the horns at a metal show, you're giving me permission to come over and snap it out of its socket.

When the late great Dio brought the maloik to the the metal world (and yes, it was Dio, all you Gene Simmons fan boys who edit Wikipedia on his behalf deserve a fist to the sack), he didn't hold it backwards, he didn't cock it sideways and downward like a fruit, and he certainly didn't stick his thumb out. He formed his fist into a perfect gargoyle skull, jutted his index finger and pinky finger straight to the sky in perfect devil horn formation and then aimed it straight towards you with menacing glory, granting anyone in between the sights of his horns an instant orgasm. That essentially is what a maloik is. It is a portable gargoyle head that is used for the purposes of warding off evil spirits. It is the smartphone of gargoyles.
The only time it's okay to hit a woman.  
Every time you do it wrong, you are disgracing the power and the glory that is Dio, and anyone capable of doing that will never be metal ever. Even if your favorite band is Battlelore and you live out in the woods for trollplaying purposes, I will never forgive you. You are a permanent failure in the eyes of heavy metal purity. True Metal Redemption requires of you to go into your dad's garage, and give a double thumbs up to his running table saw. This will ensure that you are no longer capable of making the same disgraceful error ever again.

Enjoy playing Call of Duty with your palms, you walking apology from the condom factory. You've earned it.

25 comments:

  1. Its never Okay to hit a Woman. Grow Up

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  2. fuckin A "christian"... really? are you that dumb?

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  3. the only thing and person not metal here is you ( the creator ) and the blogs you make

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  4. LOL it appears that the infidels shoutout brought ye some people that just don't get it... I haven't seen this many people jump on a post like this in awhile.

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  5. Christian: It can be okay. Especially if you're a woman.

    Jaimee: Oh man I didn't realize that, I better stop writing. Any evidence backing up your claim? No? That's what I thought.

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  6. @The_Babby_Devourer

    Yeah it seems that people have a hard time understanding the words 'Humour' and 'Sarcasm'.
    But hey, I warned them!
    I like this stuff so to the blogger,keep up the good work cause man...you're not metal!
    :-p
    Cheers!
    InfidelAmsterdam!

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  7. The tomb goes inside the hand...INSIDE! :-D

    And another thing, what's up with all the rapers who think they can use the devil horns and get away with it??

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  8. haha this is fucking great!

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  9. Here's my true tale of thumb tucking turmoil (alliteration, fuck yeah):

    Back in the day when I wasn't yet legal and still went to all ages shows, I had a number of friends in non-metal bands. Still do. Moving on. I was at a show once where the band I was there to see was unfortunately a shitty emo band. I'm sorry. Moving on. Their main fanbase was, as expected, 12 year old girls who think wearing jeans, a tank top, a studded belt worn sideways, chucks and socks on their arms is cool.

    There was a group of them screaming at the front of the crowd (believe it or not--there was a crowd). Then one kid turns to her friend and says 'how do you do the horn thing?' This is followed by several pathetic attempts to figure out which fingers to hold up (some closely resembling the shocker...too soon, too soon...). Then they settle on 'hang loose' as the appropriate hand gesture and proceed to throw the surf culture hand at the band who, at the time, was playing a horrible screamo cover of 'teenage wasteland'.

    Hope in the youth of tomorrow was immediately shattered. My life is fucking ruined.

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  10. The song's called "Baba O'Riley", but I bet the band called it Teenage Wasteland, so I don't hold it against you.

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  11. Haha, I knew someone would call me out on that. I know the name, but I figured not everyone who reads this blog would, so I made sure I was equitable and everyone knew what song was being butchered.

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  12. Chuck Billy from Testament does it wrong at almost any picture.. What does this make him?

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  13. Are people really debating this? Are you really trying to attack his credibility? I found out about this site 10 minutes ago, and I can already tell this dude is more metal than any of the people commenting on his articles, cmon people stop failing so hard, especially when this guy is here to lay it out in black and white for you.

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  14. what a retard, again another shitty disgraceful post. moving your thumb out when making horns "atomatically" gives you permission to break bones for the "violator"???????? ive never heard so much fuck in all my life and there is simply no other word for it. hitting women? good luck in jail tard, your gonna need it with an attitude like this.

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  15. So what is this? Did your dad go to jail for hitting you and your mom? Is that what makes you so angry? I'm sure all of that household trauma makes you so scared of hurting a woman, that you can't keep it up in fear that you might bring pain to a vagina. Or your buddy's cornhole. Don't really know how you swing, don't really care. Speaking of things like sexual conduct, do you have anything better to do than keep reading my site just to type diarrhea all over my comments section? It's pretty funny watching you bitch, and like always, my site is enjoying the hits. Thanks retard. Grow a sense of humor you dim fuck.

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  16. i just started reading this blog today and have been going through the archives thoroughly enjoying myself. So much so, that each post makes me want to read the next. With that in mind:

    JP WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM? I've seen you hate on so many posts. Why do you even waste your time. If you don't like it, why keep reading post after post?

    It's obvious that you are not trve and really do need Bren's help to attain such status, but are so unable to face yourself and the error of your ways that you lash out and bite the hand that feeds you.

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  17. Probably my biggest metal gripe.....but i see it so often i just stopped caring.....so much fail. Even worse is the "rad" with the thumb and pinky extended.

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  18. SatanScandinavianSlut6/21/2011 11:55 PM

    I'm a girl, and a complete metalhead, and I'm just reading this and laughing. I'm interpreting it as completely making fun of stereotypical "metal" and "unmetal" actions, ideas, etc. This is why I love Dethklok and Metalocalypse so much; They're fucking hilarious, and metal is hilarious to make fun of even though it is how I live my life.

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  19. Having it been awhile since discovering this blog, this is still my favorite post, if you don't agree with this post you're a hopeless fuck. I don't know what bothers me more, people (mostly girls from what I've seen) who watch Jersey Shore and listen to fucking Kesha (and the like) who throw up the horns (and sometimes, by fluke, correctly) or people who actually listen to metal and think this is acceptable.

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  20. This is exactly why I don't even tell people what music I listen to. I'm not interested in being seen as this "hardcore metal elitist" that knows how to dress metal and make horns properly. If you don't know who you are, then by all means, follow your leader. I carve my own path. Keep your metal label.

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  21. dude i swear anyone being proud to talk shit constantly and call themselves an elitist of any sort is the FUCKING SCUM OF THE EARTH. i hope you get testicle cancer dude you fucking lame cunt piece of shit. seriously though , you have nothing better todo than find shit to talk about and hate on i hope someone fucking kils you and your whole family so theres no chance of anymore of you respawning. all the love and kisses -satan

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  22. eatshitanddiiieee9/07/2012 1:42 PM

    i'll throw whatever signs i want! so can everyone else... FOOL!!!

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  23. This is the most Metal Thing I've ever Metaling read in the long time! I love it!

    JP: Go shove your whining up the proverbial hole of your ass, you twat fuck! If you're not metal enough to hit a bitch for not doing it right, then you're not metal to begin with. Hipsters and their bitchery nowadays...

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  24. this site is really funny. too bad most of the commentors don't understand that. then again, it makes for good humor.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.