Sex [Redux]

A select few of you may remember the article I wrote about sex once upon a time. Yes, I did actually write regularly this blog once, and that one article was probably the only thing of any significance I ever contributed. Some of you laughed, some cried, some masturbated furiously in protest. I even raised the ire of Brenocide himself who is well known for his voracious carnal appetite and affinity for wenches and mead.

Well, hide your prophylactics and wipe your search history folks, because I have returned to whip this dead horse a little more and re-explore the topic of sex.

Let us also re-explore unnecessarily gratuitous sexual imagery

Before we begin, I want to stress to you that this is in no way an inclination that I may have possibly been incorrect in some of my assumptions and arguments in the last article. I was right then and I am even more right now. I decided it was necessary to revisit this topic for a number of reasons:


#1  Like any good intellectual, I am constantly reassessing and reimagining my ideas and theories. Do you think that Nietzsche birthed a full philosophy on his first try? Of course not, he had to struggle with a myriad of intellectual pitfalls and inconsistencies in order to create a more rounded mindset. My work is no different. Except with more creampies.


#2 I have subsequently discovered that not everyone is disgusted by the human body and all of its oozing liquids and strange odours. I’ll admit, I forgot that Misanthropy and Metal Elitism are more or less mutually exclusive and that there are some headbangers out there that actually like a select few human beings. I’m willing to let this slide and make some concessions on your part and offer you some advice from the perspective of someone who has observed humanity like a swollen pus-filled zit. Besides, this puts me on a whole new level of elitism anyway.


#3 Dick jokes are easy to write and I’ve more or less ran out of ideas stopped giving a fuck.

The first and biggest change of viewpoint from my last article is this: The act of sex itself is not inherently false. It is rather, the motivation and emotions leading to the act of coitus that can often make it false. Last time, I was working on the assumption that the only way any of you were going to get any action was by getting on your hands and knees and begging for it like the shrivelled little disappointments you are. That you were scrawny little beings governed by lust and desperation, whose resolve stood as strong as Lars Ulrich's little piggle dick. Apparently some of you took offence to that.

You can surely see how weak, cowardly and downright unmetal behaviour like that is. Letting another individual control your sex life is a sign of weakness. It’s saying that you have no ability to command and conquer, that you are completely unable to be satisfied unless they allow you to be satisfied. You are completely powerless over your own body. That’s about as weak and unmetal as it gets.

In a genre where, let’s be honest, the percentage of pasty, socially awkward males vastly outweighs the number of females, I made the assumption that said display of inadequacy would be the norm when it came to human courting behaviour. For women, this can actually be a positive. With hordes of men attempting to force strained and awkward small talk with them, they live in a lucrative buyer’s market where they can pick and choose only the most majestic and beardy suitors. 

Real men. Men like Brian Blessed.

So, for argument’s sake, I’m going to highlight a few situations where it is perfectly acceptable for a metalhead to get in touch with their sexuality and VIOLENTY CLIMAX.

They want you real bad: This is a purely hypothetical realm for some of you, but in situations where you are the one being relentlessly pursued, it is okay for you to throw the dog a bone as it were. As you’re the one that is being coveted to the extent where you can smell the sour-milk pheromones from across the room, it puts you in a position of power. A position that allows you to assert your dominance over another individual (not in any way that will get you arrested though). Again, we find ourselves in a situation where it may be more likely that women have the balance of power tipped in their favour. Well shit, I’m an equal opportunities kind of guy ladies, if you’re put in a position where you can dominate your man, then fucking dominate him. They sell strap-on dildos don’t they? Make him get on all fours and eat from a doggy dish. Force him to call you mistress and step on his face. If he’s gonna plead and beg for sex like a little bitch, then treat him like a little bitch. Remember, metal is a competition and everyone should be out to prove themselves a champion, regardless of gender. I’m not saying that every act of consensual sex should be S&M play, but for humour’s sake, I’m going to ignore the touchy-feely crap.

Although, Rob Halford seemed to be into it and you should always imitate your role models.

Masturbation: One of the biggest points I need to make is that you should in no way feel ashamed of your body or your desires. Unless, you are in any way inadequate, then you should probably kill yourself. The point is that becoming aroused is a perfectly natural bodily function that simply cannot be avoided, no different than sweating or having murderous thoughts. Rubbing one out should be thought of no differently than wiping your ass as in fulfilling a bodily function. So for the most part, being a first class wanker is ok. The only real thing to worry about is practising in moderation kids, and not the same kind of bullshit moderation you’re supposed to practice around drugs and alcohol, where your only real risk is dying. With the internet the way it is today, it is far too easy to get access to porn and we all know that too much porn makes you lose taste for the low class of people willing to fuck you. It may start out straight laced and fairly innocent, but soon enough you find yourself only able to get half hard to gaping anus porn and nipple insertion.

Hiring a prostitute: Many people find the act and trade of prostitution to be an abhorrent practice, degrading to both parties that partake in it. However, this is the world’s oldest profession for a reason and a natural extension of the idea that sexual satisfaction is simply fulfilling a biological urge. They saw a need and they filled it. It’s a business venture, plain and simple. Besides, there are enough corporate whores in the world that have to figuratively lick ass for a living, why should everyone get so up in arms when someone chooses to do it literally? Alternatively, I suppose you could do what some douche from the other 90% of the population does when they want instant sexual gratification with another human. Namely, going to some obnoxious club with terrible music (metal or otherwise) and lying through your teeth for the small chance of obtaining a phone number and spending the next 3 months navigating through the tedious process of human relations. Yeah, I'm sure you'll be glad you wasted all that time, effort and money so you can achieve a full 3 minutes of coitus before she gets freaked out and leaves after you produce a rubber fist from under your bed. You definitely won't regret that you didn't splurge that $135 on that Portuguese hooker with no gag reflex. 

Well, I don't have anything funny or clever to end on, so I'm just gonna wrap it up here. Besides, I'm sure you all are busting to leave a bunch of nitpicky and hilarious comments. I'd love to stick around and read them, but I have to go do something less painful, like push rusty nails covered in lemon juice through my eye sockets.

- Mattassacre