Saturday, March 23, 2013

POSEUR MAIL SATURDAY: Time Travel Edition

I've been reading the blog comments on and off for some months now, and have managed to surmise that most of you, or all of you require some serious life/internet advice:

BEFORE COMMENTING ON ANYTHING, CHECK THE FUCKING DATE IT WAS POSTED. 

If I found out that I wrote a response to something that was written one, two, or even three years ago, I'd be fucking humiliated. I would feel like absolute human waste. I'd be crying in the shower in shame. I'd feel like fucking killing myself for being so inexcusably retarded. You know why? Because it's an accident. It's a goddamn mistake if you ever share your opinion on something someone else did YEARS ago. I wouldn't even touch an internet post or article that was getting up there in months. It's like if you were going to interview Mike Tyson and you asked about Holyfield's ear. Sorry, sports analogy... It's like if you interviewed Dave Mustaine about getting kicked out of... I dunno, the beard club. Get with the fucking program already. Get in the fucking loop.

R.I.P
I figured you were stupid enough for thinking Soilwork was a good band, but does it really go this far beyond that? It's gotten so bad, that if you disagree with me on this website, I just automatically assume you have a learning disability. You guys are time bandits. Time vampires. You're all a waste of my time and you seem to have no problem wasting your own time reading this shit and writing to me. So if you're so deeply involved in the process and progress of time, why not figure out what year it is? Twats.

The neighbors just got a new fridge and left the box on the side of the street. Not about to let perfectly good shelter go to waste, I have appropriated it for my own purposes. So let's all pile in to my cardboard imagination machine and travel through time together. Just don't try to grab my wang while you're in there, like the last guy who I got to agree to this.

Let's begin our journey, shall we? Let's set our first coordinates to DECEMBER 9th, 2010:


HOOOLY SHIIIIIIII--
How about you do some research? The reason why the metal artists are so talented is because their genre is so underground and nobody really listens to it and when people do listen to it, they are stolen from (generally). With this, they have to be talented in order to get people to come to their concerts and buy their music so they can make money.

It's difficult to make money in such an underground scene.  
- newenglandsun, written on 3/8/13 in response to PAYING FOR MUSIC, written 12/9/10

You got it sunny. Researched. Hrmm. See, I can't seem to find anything in looking up heavy metal about how the reason it's so good is specifically because Ritchie Blackmore and his various counterparts were broke back in the day. While the greats of true metal history were probably as penniless as the rest of us when they first started writing music, I'm sure that wasn't really their primary motive in the creation of the most perfect artform ever. Fuck you. Drink CLR you ignorant nobody little snot stain for thinking money would even be close to the driving force behind any good metal song ever written.

Also, here's a video of nobody really listening to this band. You stupid fucking clown. How's that for "research"? Garbage bag.

Yeah that's right, garbage bag. You're a garbage bag. Anybody who steps to me on this blog is not a douchebag, or a scumbag, or even a shitbag. No, you're worse. You're a garbage bag. Because a garbage bag has all those things thrown into it. You are the receptacle that holds within; all the stank, used, discarded scumbags, douchebags, diapers, and tampons. You are just a big bag of tampons left there crusting in the "newenglandsun".

Speaking of which, the fact that you're from New England makes me gag. Get the fuck out of my region, pusswad. Everyday I live here sucks just a little bit more because I know a big sack full of fairy dust like you hangs around this place. It's already bad enough I have to know about the state of Connecticut. Everyone should feel free to head on over and leave some words of wisdom on newenglandsuns' little Pokemon blog.



You, my dear, are a moron. Deathcore is as metal as any other form of heavy music.
- Joey Murray Pelly, written on 2/25/13 in response to Deathcore, written 4/11/11

Eew, Joey what the fuck? Don't call me "dear". What are you some kind of hom--oh, you're some chick. You're some chick that looks like this:



Want to know how I know that? Because you posted with your full name and linked your Google+ account when you commented on my vindictive psycho blog. Listen up "dear", when you want to talk shit on the internet, that's not really recommended. This isn't your high school or your hometown. This is the internet. The internet that everybody uses. Turn on the news and you'll find out the grim sort of shit that some people that are part of everybody do to other people. Some people are fucking crazy. This isn't a threat, just some advice you direly need about posting on the web; outside of not commenting on shit that's years old, of course. You just don't want to let some of these people know exactly how to get in direct touch with you. Moron. 

Deathcore is not metal on top of how much it sucks. I might describe this fact to you in greater detail with a hand-written letter that I can send express to your personal home address. 



Humorous post indeed. One point I disagree with, however, is that these pants aren't being sold as much these days (I should take into account that I live in NY, and that the Hot Topic's here sell 'Lil Wayne T-shirts). Hot Topic has become quite..."eclectic." I hate to say it, but it's true (at least here). But rarely do I find these goth pants, and, yes, I've been looking. 
- Drew, written on 3/1/13 in response to Those Big Hot Topic Pants, written 1/11/11

Oh you disagree? That's great. See, it's funny you mention New York. I just went there recently and I didn't see what the big deal was. There were no planes flying into buildings or anything. I even asked some random Manhattan dude where I could see such a spectacle and he just asked me if I was some kind of fucking mongoloid.


No, no, no. This can't be the right place, see? Turn this boat the fuck around.

How about you do this for me Drew: go to any trendy clothing store and take a snapshot of the clothes they have available. Wait two complete fucking years. After waiting, go back to the same store and try to see if there's any sort of noticeable difference. I rest my case. 





Hahaha yeah using a zebra stripe gel handled hairbrush is mad metal bahaha I love it when people own themselves this hard. I don't even Need to go further but as the person above me noted: dreads are much more metal than your golden curls or flowing mane or whatever. Also, if you don't have dreads, you don't have a mane. You can pretend but you know the truth: you're a Barbie doll in a black shirt and unless you're standing in a Norwegian snowstorm playing guitar, that's what you look like. I've never met anyone with dreads that smell either, so if all you seem to see is people with dirty dreads or pantene pro-v using losers, then you're doing it wrong. Maybe when you get out of highschool/ stop having so much to prove, you'll get over your hilarious attitude of ignorance and arrogance. But hey, if you don't have the balls to grow dreads, at least you can cry about it over the Internet. You sure value respecting your father too for a metalhead. Haha what a poser.
- Yorick, written on 2/21/13 in response to DREADLOCKS, written 12/7/10

A "Barbie Doll in a black shirt".
You know, I always knew people with dreadlocks were just as lazy as they were dirty, but I didn't realize that their apathy and slothfulness extended to their internet responses as well as their shower. That took you two years and an extra little handful of granola to even get back to me, after all. In the time that has passed since I actually wrote that fucking thing, I could have grown my own head of long, trashy dreadlocks, then promptly killed myself for looking like such a turd-headed loser. 

I have to say, I have a hard time taking your word for it in reference to you "never meeting anyone with dreads that smells". Odor adaptation is a thing, you know. If you reek like refuse all the time, and keep the company of other people that smell like dog shit as well, you don't notice anymore. Your brain has probably adopted so well to the smell of rooms filled with pot smoke, bean bags, and body odor, that you probably forgot what fresh, non-corrupted air is really like. Here's an experiment for you to try when you're able: the next time you take a shit; wipe your ass (if you know how) and before you discard the used toilet paper, bring it up to your face and smell it. If it doesn't smell like anything, then we know I'm right about you. 

"If you don't have dreads, you don't have a mane." said this guy to this lion.
Wanna know how I know you smell bad? It's because your comment betrays you. It reveals so well in the first sentence how lazy and apathetic you really are regarding anything. It's easy for me to imagine how you wouldn't mind missing a couple baths, considering how often you've definitely missed a couple crucial days of schooling. Your reading comprehension stinks more than you do. I "owned" myself, did I? Here's the part of the post I wrote where I talk about how "mad metal" zebra-striped hairbrushes are:

Please, it's not womanly. I don't care if you use your girlfriend's zebra-striped, gel handled brush. Just comb your goddamn hair. If you think it's too much for you to handle, cut it off, and make your father happy for the first time in his entire life. Your other alternative is to look as hard rock and true metal as Bob Marley. Hey, there's an idea... 

Anyone who doesn't spend all their Taco Bell paychecks on psychedelic drugs and Grateful Dead albums would know I wasn't referring to the "zebra-striped brush" in a positive light in the above paragraph. What I was trying to very simply convey is that combing your long hair and avoiding dreadlocks is so important that you should just use whatever is available to you. Girly hand brushes are available to those of us who have been, or are currently involved in adult sexual relationships. Using soap might help you get yourself in one someday, Yorick. 

Your comment would have made sense if I said something more like this:

Hey fellow High School faggots. Brush your long ass hair specifically with a zebra-striped, gel handled brush or else you're an unmetal fucking faggot. On another note, dreadlocks are also gay and you're gay if you don't listen to your dad and dads are fucking awesome. Also Slayer.

Looking back, that's probably what I should have actually said. All joking aside, there's a lot of things I didn't say in my Dreadlocks post, or any of these posts. Two years can drastically change a person's viewpoint on a lot of different things, and there are things that made my blood boil back in 2010 that are either no longer culturally relevant (AKA defeated by true metal), or just don't bother me anymore. 

Dreadlocks, however, are not one of those things. They are a violation I didn't get much into, but they are probably one of the worst out of the bunch. You see, not only do they look retarded, but dreadlocks are a classic case of cultural appropriation. If you're seriously some fucking white kid and you have dreadlocks, your poseurdom goes way beyond my jurisdiction. You're just all around as fake a human being as anyone could ever be, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you get deservedly jumped in the streets someday.

If you ever bother to go outside.

25 comments:

  1. Complains about time stamps when commenting. Takes 6 months to a year to post something.

    I still like you though, Bren:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. The way you respond to the 'Paying for music' guy... Godly thunder of liquid metal.

    That aside, why do people even fucking bother commenting on stuff from years - hell, months! - ago is beyond me. Anyone (in ym opinion, that is) in their right mind would think (debatable!) that the issue is long resolved and people somewhat forgot about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whats wrong with Pokemon?

      Delete
  3. You still haven't discussed if it's ok for black guys to have dreads.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. im not giving my name to a machine3/24/2013 3:19 PM

      that's because it's not ok to be black in the first place

      Delete
  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCmuTAROzh0 You say dreds aren't metal they are, and my reason being these guys are suffocation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. im not giving my name to a machine3/24/2013 3:21 PM

      so a violation taken by a metal band suddenly negates the violation? lololol

      Delete
    2. You lose, Get the fuck out

      Delete
    3. He's said multiple times that just because a band commits a violation, doesn't mean that the violation is no longer. He's even pointed out violations bands have committed and mocked them for it. So in short, go fuck a landmine.

      Delete
  5. Eight comments, and so far nobody is butthurt over this sentence: "It's gotten so bad, that if you disagree with me on this website, I just automatically assume you have a learning disability."
    It looks like the posers might have grown a spine, or maybe just one vertebra. Step up your game, Brenocide. If the posers aren't crying and screaming like spoiled, snot-faced six-year-olds, then you're not doing your job.
    - S. diabolicus

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All the poseurs are over at Metalsucks streaming the new Sevendust record.

      Delete
  6. "Hey fellow High School faggots. Brush your long ass hair specifically with a zebra-striped, gel handled brush or else you're an unmetal fucking faggot. On another note, dreadlocks are also gay and you're gay if you don't listen to your dad and dads are fucking awesome. Also Slayer."

    I lost my shit over that part. It also raises the question as to how he came to the conclusion that you were in high school. Weren't high school kids supposed to hate their dads?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Relevant copypastas; sauce in URL.
    "derp not teh saem tiiing" Same principle, dipshit.

    ===

    "Necros" and Internet Forum Culture

    You know, I've spent WAY more time on RPG-related forums than any other forums on the internet. And a funny thing happened a while back that made me realize that sometimes things you think are "internet culture" might actually only be insular forum-culture.

    I've never understood why people seem to get upset at someone doing a "necro" on a thread (where they revive a thread that hasn't had a new post in weeks, months, or years). Personally, I don't get why that is a bad thing, it makes no sense why one would get upset about it, and that should have been my first hint. But instead, I just assumed it was a weird product of internet culture that was pretty universal.

    Until The Wench showed me some forums she's involved with, in a completely unrelated topic, and it turned out that over there, they have no problem at all with Necros. If anything, they love it. I watched amazed with eyes wide as I saw people thanking someone for bringing life back to a subject with a new perspective.

    So what I thought was a universal social convention is apparently far from it. The Necro is seen as awful and stupid by gamers, or maybe by all geeks, I don't know. But its not, elsewhere. Remember when I said that "It makes no sense" should have been my first hint? That's the point: if something exists with no sense or purpose as a rule, its probably a special cultural convention. Its how over in the real world we tell the difference between real moral law and "tradition". The fear of the necro is the cultural equivalent of giving someone flowers when they've been hospitalized for a shattered pelvis. It might have made some kind of twisted sense at one point, but it certainly doesn't now, its just "what you do".
    ~

    Holy shit, FINALLY! Finally someone other than myself who is completely
    baffled with everyone's hate-boners for "thread necromancy!"

    You wouldn't BELIEVE how many times I've asked why necro-ing is bad, and
    no one has been able to give a straight response. Not one.

    It's bullshit. Thank you for being someone other than myself who sees the stupidity of it all.
    ~

    Absolutely. Clearly its something that came up because someone in some greasy corner of gamer culture decided it was bad, and that's stuck ever since.
    ~

    People hate to be reminded (and have others reminded) of what they said in the past. It ruins their current cred.
    ~

    Well, on this I fully agree with you, Pundit. I don't have any problem with necro-ing a debate. Actually, I find really useful to have all the opinions about a topic summed up in one thread, so yo can see how the debate evolves over time. It would be most convenient.

    It's probably a geeky thing, because geeks love new and shiny.
    ~

    I think maybe Dancey might be partly onto something...
    ~

    What RSD said, plus an unwillingness to reignite past flame wars ("Oh, not that again...").
    ~



    I think a chunk of it comes down to "I have already seen that, so it's not important, and neither is anyone else who isn't like me" - sorta like thise "spoil the endings of movies" tshirts.

    There's also an element of "we were on this board first" to it; the old topic belongs to the older posters, and newer posters don't deserve anything cool from it.

    Purple is the colour of toxic forum culture.
    ~

    Well put.

    ===

    tl;dr There is no reason whatsoever to care about the length of time ago of a reply to a thread, or a blog.

    If it bothers you that much, lock comments from blogs you posted five seconds ago, you autistic aspie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not a lot to do in UruGAY, I take it.

      *Asspie

      Delete
    2. My argument: Commenting on a post that's multiple years old is ill advised due to how vastly the opinions of the posters, or new information about the subject can change over the course of time.


      The argument from you and "relavant copy pasta": I don't like it when people do that!!

      What a complete human failure. I hope your first born dies of SIDS.

      Delete
    3. SIDS- Super Immunodeficiency Syndrome

      I bet you all thought he misspelled AIDS but no, this shit is one billion times worse. I'd regularly pour some AIDS blood on my cereal in the morning to escape the SIDS if I had a choice.

      Delete
    4. ....

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sudden_infant_death_syndrome

      Delete
    5. I am so honoured that you linked people to my blog. Note: Pokemon is the background of that particular blog. I do still play the games, but overall, the shows just suck. And Pokemon kind of honestly did itself in by adulterating itself so much.

      Any way, regardless, thanks for advertising my blog. Out of curiosity, were you the reason people have been liking my posts now so much? Thank you for the post.

      Delete
  8. P.S. I think you should know that I am NOT from New England. In fact, I loathe all Boston/New England sports teams. I am from the same state as the band Abigail Williams and, if they hadn't gone to deathcore, would still say I am quite honoured.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I should also clear up. I was mainly talking about the uber-talented death/black metal bands.

    Wikihow agrees with me.
    http://www.wikihow.com/Appreciate-Death-Metal

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are welcome to my music site. And enjoy free music http://musiclv.com/music-by-song/20531/play

    ReplyDelete
  11. Deathcore is totally metal. Deathcore is such a good band man. Does Slayer have death at its core?? No. +1 deathcore

    ReplyDelete
  12. Is Killswitch Engage metal?

    ReplyDelete

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.