POSEUR MAIL SATURDAY: Time Travel Edition

I've been reading the blog comments on and off for some months now, and have managed to surmise that most of you, or all of you require some serious life/internet advice:

BEFORE COMMENTING ON ANYTHING, CHECK THE FUCKING DATE IT WAS POSTED. 

If I found out that I wrote a response to something that was written one, two, or even three years ago, I'd be fucking humiliated. I would feel like absolute human waste. I'd be crying in the shower in shame. I'd feel like fucking killing myself for being so inexcusably retarded. You know why? Because it's an accident. It's a goddamn mistake if you ever share your opinion on something someone else did YEARS ago. I wouldn't even touch an internet post or article that was getting up there in months. It's like if you were going to interview Mike Tyson and you asked about Holyfield's ear. Sorry, sports analogy... It's like if you interviewed Dave Mustaine about getting kicked out of... I dunno, the beard club. Get with the fucking program already. Get in the fucking loop.

R.I.P

I figured you were stupid enough for thinking Soilwork was a good band, but does it really go this far beyond that? It's gotten so bad, that if you disagree with me on this website, I just automatically assume you have a learning disability. You guys are time bandits. Time vampires. You're all a waste of my time and you seem to have no problem wasting your own time reading this shit and writing to me. So if you're so deeply involved in the process and progress of time, why not figure out what year it is? Twats.

The neighbors just got a new fridge and left the box on the side of the street. Not about to let perfectly good shelter go to waste, I have appropriated it for my own purposes. So let's all pile in to my cardboard imagination machine and travel through time together. Just don't try to grab my wang while you're in there, like the last guy who I got to agree to this.

Let's begin our journey, shall we? Let's set our first coordinates to DECEMBER 9th, 2010:

HOOOLY SHIIIIIIII--

How about you do some research? The reason why the metal artists are so talented is because their genre is so underground and nobody really listens to it and when people do listen to it, they are stolen from (generally). With this, they have to be talented in order to get people to come to their concerts and buy their music so they can make money.

It's difficult to make money in such an underground scene.  

- newenglandsun, written on 3/8/13 in response to PAYING FOR MUSIC, written 12/9/10

You got it sunny. Researched. Hrmm. See, I can't seem to find anything in looking up heavy metal about how the reason it's so good is specifically because Ritchie Blackmore and his various counterparts were broke back in the day. While the greats of true metal history were probably as penniless as the rest of us when they first started writing music, I'm sure that wasn't really their primary motive in the creation of the most perfect artform ever. Fuck you. Drink CLR you ignorant nobody little snot stain for thinking money would even be close to the driving force behind any good metal song ever written.

Also, here's a video of nobody really listening to this band. You stupid fucking clown. How's that for "research"? Garbage bag.

Yeah that's right, garbage bag. You're a garbage bag. Anybody who steps to me on this blog is not a douchebag, or a scumbag, or even a shitbag. No, you're worse. You're a garbage bag. Because a garbage bag has all those things thrown into it. You are the receptacle that holds within; all the stank, used, discarded scumbags, douchebags, diapers, and tampons. You are just a big bag of tampons left there crusting in the "newenglandsun".

Speaking of which, the fact that you're from New England makes me gag. Get the fuck out of my region, pusswad. Everyday I live here sucks just a little bit more because I know a big sack full of fairy dust like you hangs around this place. It's already bad enough I have to know about the state of Connecticut. Everyone should feel free to head on over and leave some words of wisdom on newenglandsuns' little Pokemon blog.

You, my dear, are a moron. Deathcore is as metal as any other form of heavy music.
- Joey Murray Pelly, written on 2/25/13 in response to Deathcore, written 4/11/11

Eew, Joey what the fuck? Don't call me "dear". What are you some kind of hom--oh, you're some chick. You're some chick that looks like this:

Want to know how I know that? Because you posted with your full name and linked your Google+ account when you commented on my vindictive psycho blog. Listen up "dear", when you want to talk shit on the internet, that's not really recommended. This isn't your high school or your hometown. This is the internet. The internet that everybody uses. Turn on the news and you'll find out the grim sort of shit that some people that are part of everybody do to other people. Some people are fucking crazy. This isn't a threat, just some advice you direly need about posting on the web; outside of not commenting on shit that's years old, of course. You just don't want to let some of these people know exactly how to get in direct touch with you. Moron. 

Deathcore is not metal on top of how much it sucks. I might describe this fact to you in greater detail with a hand-written letter that I can send express to your personal home address. 

Humorous post indeed. One point I disagree with, however, is that these pants aren't being sold as much these days (I should take into account that I live in NY, and that the Hot Topic's here sell 'Lil Wayne T-shirts). Hot Topic has become quite..."eclectic." I hate to say it, but it's true (at least here). But rarely do I find these goth pants, and, yes, I've been looking. 
- Drew, written on 3/1/13 in response to Those Big Hot Topic Pants, written 1/11/11

Oh you disagree? That's great. See, it's funny you mention New York. I just went there recently and I didn't see what the big deal was. There were no planes flying into buildings or anything. I even asked some random Manhattan dude where I could see such a spectacle and he just asked me if I was some kind of fucking mongoloid.

No, no, no. This can't be the right place, see? Turn this boat the fuck around.

How about you do this for me Drew: go to any trendy clothing store and take a snapshot of the clothes they have available. Wait two complete fucking years. After waiting, go back to the same store and try to see if there's any sort of noticeable difference. I rest my case. 

Hahaha yeah using a zebra stripe gel handled hairbrush is mad metal bahaha I love it when people own themselves this hard. I don't even Need to go further but as the person above me noted: dreads are much more metal than your golden curls or flowing mane or whatever. Also, if you don't have dreads, you don't have a mane. You can pretend but you know the truth: you're a Barbie doll in a black shirt and unless you're standing in a Norwegian snowstorm playing guitar, that's what you look like. I've never met anyone with dreads that smell either, so if all you seem to see is people with dirty dreads or pantene pro-v using losers, then you're doing it wrong. Maybe when you get out of highschool/ stop having so much to prove, you'll get over your hilarious attitude of ignorance and arrogance. But hey, if you don't have the balls to grow dreads, at least you can cry about it over the Internet. You sure value respecting your father too for a metalhead. Haha what a poser.

- Yorick, written on 2/21/13 in response to DREADLOCKS, written 12/7/10

A "Barbie Doll in a black shirt".

You know, I always knew people with dreadlocks were just as lazy as they were dirty, but I didn't realize that their apathy and slothfulness extended to their internet responses as well as their shower. That took you two years and an extra little handful of granola to even get back to me, after all. In the time that has passed since I actually wrote that fucking thing, I could have grown my own head of long, trashy dreadlocks, then promptly killed myself for looking like such a turd-headed loser. 

I have to say, I have a hard time taking your word for it in reference to you "never meeting anyone with dreads that smells". Odor adaptation is a thing, you know. If you reek like refuse all the time, and keep the company of other people that smell like dog shit as well, you don't notice anymore. Your brain has probably adopted so well to the smell of rooms filled with pot smoke, bean bags, and body odor, that you probably forgot what fresh, non-corrupted air is really like. Here's an experiment for you to try when you're able: the next time you take a shit; wipe your ass (if you know how) and before you discard the used toilet paper, bring it up to your face and smell it. If it doesn't smell like anything, then we know I'm right about you. 

"If you don't have dreads, you don't have a mane." said this guy to this lion.

Wanna know how I know you smell bad? It's because your comment betrays you. It reveals so well in the first sentence how lazy and apathetic you really are regarding anything. It's easy for me to imagine how you wouldn't mind missing a couple baths, considering how often you've definitely missed a couple crucial days of schooling. Your reading comprehension stinks more than you do. I "owned" myself, did I? Here's the part of the post I wrote where I talk about how "mad metal" zebra-striped hairbrushes are:

Please, it's not womanly. I don't care if you use your girlfriend's zebra-striped, gel handled brush. Just comb your goddamn hair. If you think it's too much for you to handle, cut it off, and make your father happy for the first time in his entire life. Your other alternative is to look as hard rock and true metal as Bob Marley. Hey, there's an idea... 

Anyone who doesn't spend all their Taco Bell paychecks on psychedelic drugs and Grateful Dead albums would know I wasn't referring to the "zebra-striped brush" in a positive light in the above paragraph. What I was trying to very simply convey is that combing your long hair and avoiding dreadlocks is so important that you should just use whatever is available to you. Girly hand brushes are available to those of us who have been, or are currently involved in adult sexual relationships. Using soap might help you get yourself in one someday, Yorick. 

Your comment would have made sense if I said something more like this:

Hey fellow High School faggots. Brush your long ass hair specifically with a zebra-striped, gel handled brush or else you're an unmetal fucking faggot. On another note, dreadlocks are also gay and you're gay if you don't listen to your dad and dads are fucking awesome. Also Slayer.

Looking back, that's probably what I should have actually said. All joking aside, there's a lot of things I didn't say in my Dreadlocks post, or any of these posts. Two years can drastically change a person's viewpoint on a lot of different things, and there are things that made my blood boil back in 2010 that are either no longer culturally relevant (AKA defeated by true metal), or just don't bother me anymore. 

Dreadlocks, however, are not one of those things. They are a violation I didn't get much into, but they are probably one of the worst out of the bunch. You see, not only do they look retarded, but dreadlocks are a classic case of cultural appropriation. If you're seriously some fucking white kid and you have dreadlocks, your poseurdom goes way beyond my jurisdiction. You're just all around as fake a human being as anyone could ever be, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you get deservedly jumped in the streets someday.

If you ever bother to go outside.