Monday, February 7, 2011

Awful Metal Video of the Week: Chelsea Grin - Sonnet of the Wretched

Although they may be quite far from my musical cup of tea, I see Salt Lake City Deathcore outfit, Chelsea Grin, as an inspiration to all of us in the hard rock community. Say what you want about their predictable breakdowns, their chugging riffs, their crabcore dancing, and piggy cried "bree bree bree" vocal style, you can't help but commend them for their caring hearts, their open mindedness, and their ability to view all of us in the world as human beings...



I'll tell you that I've never read an interview with the members of Chelsea Grin. I don't think I have to. They are probably full of spirit-lifting quotes such as "We in Chelsea Grin think that everybody deserves the right to be a rock star!" Also things like, "He's a lot sharper than you think! If he just hears you say the word 'Cannibal Corpse', he will yell out every song they ever wrote on every album from start to finish! It's really impressive!" The interviewer would then proceed to kneel down next to brave, lead vocalist Alex Koehler while he's lying on the floor playing with his matchbox cars. He (because strange women make him nervous) would ask Koehler if he thinks singing for Chelsea Grin is a lot of fun. Koehler would enthusiastically reply, "Your pants are blue!" The band mates would then pat him on the back and hug him, ecstatic about his growing observational skills. 

Chelsea Grin has employed the help of three "guitarists"; something unheard of, and completely unnecessary for a Deathcore band. The third guitarist is actually a clever ruse; even though he has an Ibanez and an amplifier, he's actually pretending to play along with the band to keep a careful eye on Koehler's antics. It's not unheard of for Koehler to get over-excited from the flashing lights and cheering crowd. He's probably been known to run off mid-set, flapping his hands and squawking with delight. 
Koehler is seen pictured here, with his first written complete sentence.
"He does flap his hands a lot when he gets a bit too stimulated." Dan Jones, pretend guitarist and Koehlers' handler would explain to the magazine editor. "People like Alex have been known to do that sometimes. He can't really help it, but it doesn't stop him from having a really great time!"

We in the metal community could learn a lot from the philanthropist members of Chelsea Grin. They show us that everybody has the right to rock, disability or no disability. "We love him to bits," lead guitarist, Michael Stafford would explain to the potential interviewer, "even if he does dance like a retard." 

25 comments:

  1. Good for them, giving people like him a chance to feel great and live out their dreams.

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  2. Worst.Vocalist.Ever.

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  3. I bet there's some really brutal lyrics in there somewhere...

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  4. Awah Synchronized head banging and skinny kids having seizures
    how cute :D

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  5. Way to waste your time dedicating a website to bands you dislike. Try promoting the bands you like instead of typing an entire article about the way he moves him hands. If you're going to downsize a band, atleast make it about the music, not movements. I stumbled upon this trash while trying to look for something sinificant about my favorite band, Chelsea Grin. And if Alex were to beretarded, atleast he would do it with some talent and flare, unlike all these piece of shit bands that you call music. way to judge the entire band's music on physical characteristics and people that you have never even read an interview about. So, fuck you, and have a nice day. :)

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    1. YES!! I also found this while looking up interviews of Chelsea Grin. It pissed me off! I get it ppl wont like this band or that band, but this is just cruel. Everything you said was dead on!

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    2. i agree wth suck it and i hate this god damn site and its pointless, abject existence fuck you

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  6. first of all "Suck it!" is completely right. you guys are fucking retarded judging an entire band's music based on their appearance. and second of all, the screams and growls Alex does are EXTREMELY hard to do. i would know. ive been at it for 3 years, and ive only started to get down the high exhale screams. so when you can do those screams and growls, then you can fucking talk you piece of shit poser.

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  7. ROFL hard to do, they make fun of the appearance because it's already a given that the music is shit.

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  8. @Bruce: 3 years? Wow. You must be really good at sounding like a faggot.

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  9. @Suck it! Your favorite band is Chelsea Grin? I don't have anything more insulting to say about you than you've already said about yourself. He certainly "beretarded" with the way he "moves him hands", but you're pretty retarded for having a favorite band that employs 3 guitarists to hit one open string.

    I'll make sure to notify the bands I listen to that they need to act like retards with more "talent and flair". Eat a gun.

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  10. dude your a fucking twat... this band is actually going somewhere while your sitting in your chair with a finger in your ass thinking of pointless shit to write on this "Thats not Metal" website... lol its funny cause if you had something productive to do with your life you wouldnt be spending in it talking shit about bands... lol how about when your playing in a band thats signed come back and talk shit lol the Alex is living his dream while your talking shit online... lol and chances are you dont have a job or a life for that matter, so how about when you also get both of those as well you come talk shit faggot.

    Alex is a fucking amazing vocalist!!

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  11. uhhh yes he is.. thats why hes not on the internet talking shit about bands unlike your faggot ass self

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  12. you fucking idiots make it sound like he deserves so much respect just because he tours. when did touring become glamorous? this band doesn't even need to tour because everybody can find at least one band in their hometown that sound EXACTLY like this one.
    btw @Bruce: vocals really aren't hard to do, all you have to do is have your balls drop.
    @Suck it!: putting a smiley face after talking shit isn't cool, it just makes you look like a faggot.

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  13. Crabcore dancing I agree, but it also looks suspiciously like synchronised dry tea-bagging.

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  14. Crabcore dancing is never a good sign, but I actually like this band. Sure, the 3 guitarists are a bit much, but it's their style. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, but I love this band and their breakdowns.
    To the author, it was a stupid move to judge a band without consulting the facts, regardless if they're good or not, in your opinion of course. It just makes you look unreliable and judgemental.

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  15. what the fuck? he's not retarded... what kind of bands ARE considered metal if chelsea grin isn't?

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  16. The only people that would fallow this dumb blog would just be other stupid people that have no idea what their talking about. Talking shit about something you haven't even looked into, or at least tried to understand makes you look even dumber. I'd like to see you do what he does.

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  17. this bands sucks dick end of story, brenocide seems like the only one with a function brain. and yes everyone is intitled to their own opinion but do you agree with the opinions of al-Quida? exactly now go straighten your hair!

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  18. Jack Chalmers8/24/2012 5:27 PM

    Aww I'm glad they're helping the poor soul have fun; a manchild with special needs can have fun too... But in all seriousness, Chelsea Grin is really bad; so bad that when you actually have the misfortune of seeing them that you would automatically assume that they're all retarded. Nicely written Brenocide!

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  19. Don't like it? Don't listen to it but thank you for promoting the band other than sitting in a chair doing fuck all with your life. oh you're still doing that

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  20. I don't see why anyone should waste their time blogging about bands they dislike, that's just asking for shit to come their way. Personally I love Chelsea Grin and they're one of my favourite bands. I also think Alex Koehler is a great vocalist and he IS good in what he does, I think he's up there at the top in that genre of music along with vocalists such as the late Mitch Lucker and so on. And with the whole 3 guitarists, I guess its just to make the music more powerful.It's up to the band anyway and what kind of music they want to make and what they think sounds good, and obviously looking at Chelsea Grins fanbase which is quite vast, people like it too.

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  21. I really, really hate metal elitists. Yeah,I can agree on some things they say about the sub genres of metal. But really, if someone likes a certain kind of music let them play their genre of fucking music. You are just as bad as those who bash all metal and metal sub genres. I mean fuck, get over yourselves and listen to what you want to listen to. Let people enjoy the music they love. Insulting bands you dislike is just going to kill the whole fucking genre.

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  22. Some people here are quite fucked in the brain, the blog for one, is completely stupid and irrelevant to the bands talent and skill. Sure there are other bands but can't we all just love this music regardless of the slight differences. It's better than listening to justing beiber or 1 direction shit.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.