Happy Harry: “La la lalalalala I’m so happy and cheery in the mornings that I just want to shout it out to the world in an incredibly loud and annoying voice. Oh boy, I certainly can’t wait to meet up with all of my good chums so that we can skip and laugh and play merrily and make grand memories together because life is just so peachy. I can’t understand why everyone isn’t as happy as me all the time. La la lalalalalalaaaa”
Me: “Hey, can you keep it down? It’s 7 in the morning and I can hear you over my earphones.”
Happy Harry: “Uh oh, looks like someone’s not a morning person. Well Grumpy Gus, you just need to turn that frown upside down! Don’t you know that if you smile the whole world smiles with you? Now come on, let’s see that winning smile I know you’re hiding from the world. I just bet that if you wore some brighter colours, you’d be a bit perkier.”
9PM News: Police are still baffled by this astonishing case of a man having his head literally shoved up his own rectum...
Less smiles and sunshine and more of this.
Most people that know me wouldn’t exactly say that I have a sunny disposition, and for the most part that’s something I’m proud of. I actively cultivate an air of negativity in my life.
Well, firstly because being grim and morbid is metal as fuck.
Secondly, what the fuck is there to be so happy about anyways? Life’s nothing more than an endless series of commitments that demand all of your time, money and abilities so you can have the privilege of gulping down oxygen, paying taxes, electing brain-dead, suit wearing monkeys to lead you and eventually dying and being forgotten.
And thirdly and most importantly, happy people aren’t Metal.
Now, hold on to your seats folks, cos I’m about to go all Yoda on you. Happiness leads to optimism. Optimism leads to inclusiveness. Inclusiveness leads to complacency. Complacency leads to open mindedness and as we all know, open mindedness is the worst sin any so-called metalhead can commit.
This presents something of a conundrum. It’s human nature to desire to be happy and content with ourselves and our surroundings and we’re naturally drawn to those that exude good vibes because they’re usually just fun to be around. But alas, this is not meant to be, for invariably you will find that any happy people will at some point prove themselves to be unmetal. No matter how much true metal they listen to, it’s just a matter of time until they reveal themselves as what they truly are. Usually it’s in one of two forms, complacency for the shitty musical taste of others and intolerance for the thick headed elitist attitude of pricks like me. They just don’t get it. They’re just too chill and easygoing because they’re too happy to be able to uphold the high standards of an elitist, and as such easily lapse into falseness. They seem to think it somehow isn’t necessary to constantly berate and one-up your metal peers. They see metal as a community of like-minded brothers and sisters in what is actually a brutal struggle for supremacy with no room for friends or any retarded niceties.
That’s not to say there isn’t any room for positivity in heavy metal, it’s some of the most uplifting and powerful music ever made, but its music created in adversity and the constant struggle to triumph over that adversity. It’s based on the indisputable truth that everything and everyone is out to fuck you over and the only way you’ll make it is by constantly kicking life’s ass. Not with some happy go lucky smiles and sunshine care bears bullshit.
Perhaps “happy” isn’t the best word to use here, “optimists” or “nice guys” may be more appropriate, but I think you all get the kind of people I’m on about.
“But what am I to do if I encounter one of these insufferable cretins?” I hear you ask, (or at least I would if most of you held English skills above that of the third grade), well, the answer really is quite simple. As Metal elitists, it’s your job to ensure you bring a little misery into everyone’s day, granted, this is usually in the form of berating someone’s inferior taste in music, but we can make an exception in this case. All these nitwits need is a simple dose of reality. Let’s face it, no one is really happy, we all hate our lives to some degree and anyone who seems happy has probably just lied to themselves enough to convince them they are in fact happy with earning 50 grand a year, and that they’re glad they stopped smoking pot and playing guitar in order to go to business school. Fortunately, this makes it rather easy to shatter their fragile emotional state and break them down to the level of a helpless infant.
If you encounter one of these people in public and they attempt to cheer you up by interacting with you, just turn them into the bad guy by aggressively stipulating that you have every right to be miserable because you’ve recently lost your mother due to her being run over by a school bus full of handicapped orphans on their way to clean a bunch of baby seals that had also been orphaned by a large oil spill (or something along these lines to shock the smile off their face). If your next door neighbour is one of these people, bleach their grass so it all dies and they have to wake up each morning to the sight of a grey and lifeless lawn. If you’re unfortunate enough to work with one of these people, release a deadly strain of Ebola in their office and buy them a crappy gift when you’re their Secret Santa. Basically anything you can think of to get the message across that overzealous happiness will not be tolerated. Of course, there is an exception in the form of people who are serving you. When I order a coffee or something, I don’t want the person behind the counter to be some slouchy, grumpy fuck, that’s just plain rude; I’d much rather some chirpy, happy go lucky person take my order, because serving me should be a pleasure. Besides, they already have to deal with the general public, so you just know they’re the most miserable creatures on the planet on the inside, it’s commendable that there’re able to suck it up and slap a fake smile on their face when they give me my expresso.
I’m sure all this relates to being Metal... somehow.
Stick it up your ass sunshine.
(i.e. not Brenocide)