Saturday, October 15, 2011

Being Happy

The following takes place on my 7AM train commute:

Happy Harry: “La la lalalalala I’m so happy and cheery in the mornings that I just want to shout it out to the world in an incredibly loud and annoying voice. Oh boy, I certainly can’t wait to meet up with all of my good chums so that we can skip and laugh and play merrily and make grand memories together because life is just so peachy. I can’t understand why everyone isn’t as happy as me all the time. La la lalalalalalaaaa”

Me: “Hey, can you keep it down? It’s 7 in the morning and I can hear you over my earphones.”

Happy Harry: “Uh oh, looks like someone’s not a morning person. Well Grumpy Gus, you just need to turn that frown upside down! Don’t you know that if you smile the whole world smiles with you? Now come on, let’s see that winning smile I know you’re hiding from the world. I just bet that if you wore some brighter colours, you’d be a bit perkier.”

Me: ...


9PM News: Police are still baffled by this astonishing case of a man having his head literally shoved up his own rectum...

Less smiles and sunshine and more of this.

Most people that know me wouldn’t exactly say that I have a sunny disposition, and for the most part that’s something I’m proud of. I actively cultivate an air of negativity in my life.


Well, firstly because being grim and morbid is metal as fuck.

Secondly, what the fuck is there to be so happy about anyways? Life’s nothing more than an endless series of commitments that demand all of your time, money and abilities so you can have the privilege of gulping down oxygen, paying taxes, electing brain-dead, suit wearing monkeys to lead you and eventually dying and being forgotten.

And thirdly and most importantly, happy people aren’t Metal.

Now, hold on to your seats folks, cos I’m about to go all Yoda on you. Happiness leads to optimism. Optimism leads to inclusiveness. Inclusiveness leads to complacency. Complacency leads to open mindedness and as we all know, open mindedness is the worst sin any so-called metalhead can commit.

This presents something of a conundrum. It’s human nature to desire to be happy and content with ourselves and our surroundings and we’re naturally drawn to those that exude good vibes because they’re usually just fun to be around. But alas, this is not meant to be, for invariably you will find that any happy people will at some point prove themselves to be unmetal. No matter how much true metal they listen to, it’s just a matter of time until they reveal themselves as what they truly are. Usually it’s in one of two forms, complacency for the shitty musical taste of others and intolerance for the thick headed elitist attitude of pricks like me. They just don’t get it. They’re just too chill and easygoing because they’re too happy to be able to uphold the high standards of an elitist, and as such easily lapse into falseness. They seem to think it somehow isn’t necessary to constantly berate and one-up your metal peers. They see metal as a community of like-minded brothers and sisters in what is actually a brutal struggle for supremacy with no room for friends or any retarded niceties.

That’s not to say there isn’t any room for positivity in heavy metal, it’s some of the most uplifting and powerful music ever made, but its music created in adversity and the constant struggle to triumph over that adversity. It’s based on the indisputable truth that everything and everyone is out to fuck you over and the only way you’ll make it is by constantly kicking life’s ass. Not with some happy go lucky smiles and sunshine care bears bullshit.

Perhaps “happy” isn’t the best word to use here, “optimists” or “nice guys” may be more appropriate, but I think you all get the kind of people I’m on about.

“But what am I to do if I encounter one of these insufferable cretins?” I hear you ask, (or at least I would if most of you held English skills above that of the third grade), well, the answer really is quite simple. As Metal elitists, it’s your job to ensure you bring a little misery into everyone’s day, granted, this is usually in the form of berating someone’s inferior taste in music, but we can make an exception in this case. All these nitwits need is a simple dose of reality. Let’s face it, no one is really happy, we all hate our lives to some degree and anyone who seems happy has probably just lied to themselves enough to convince them they are in fact happy with earning 50 grand a year, and that they’re glad they stopped smoking pot and playing guitar in order to go to business school. Fortunately, this makes it rather easy to shatter their fragile emotional state and break them down to the level of a helpless infant.

If you encounter one of these people in public and they attempt to cheer you up by interacting with you, just turn them into the bad guy by aggressively stipulating that you have every right to be miserable because you’ve recently lost your mother due to her being run over by a school bus full of handicapped orphans on their way to clean a bunch of baby seals that had also been orphaned by a large oil spill (or something along these lines to shock the smile off their face). If your next door neighbour is one of these people, bleach their grass so it all dies and they have to wake up each morning to the sight of a grey and lifeless lawn. If you’re unfortunate enough to work with one of these people, release a deadly strain of Ebola in their office and buy them a crappy gift when you’re their Secret Santa. Basically anything you can think of to get the message across that overzealous happiness will not be tolerated. Of course, there is an exception in the form of people who are serving you. When I order a coffee or something, I don’t want the person behind the counter to be some slouchy, grumpy fuck, that’s just plain rude; I’d much rather some chirpy, happy go lucky person take my order, because serving me should be a pleasure. Besides, they already have to deal with the general public, so you just know they’re the most miserable creatures on the planet on the inside, it’s commendable that there’re able to suck it up and slap a fake smile on their face when they give me my expresso.

I’m sure all this relates to being Metal... somehow.

Stick it up your ass sunshine.


(i.e. not Brenocide)


  1. Anonymous you suck. You are happy because you are first. Fuck all life I am grim and necro and kvlt

  2. Midgard Serpent10/15/2011 11:34 AM


    You can't be Necro and Grim at the same time.

  3. thefamily ghost10/15/2011 2:11 PM

    It's possible to be happy and not give a shit about what others think at the same time. The two usually go hand in hand.

  4. What if making people miserable makes you happy?

  5. Then you have to work on making yourself miserable.

  6. NotWorthyofMetal10/15/2011 6:10 PM

    By this logic Emo's and Mallgoths are Metal as fuck.

    Try harder, Matt.

  7. Evidence that Brenocide and ABME should be the only ones posting on this site.

  8. NotWorthyofMetal10/15/2011 7:48 PM

    The only post from Matt I like is the one on Dimebag. The rest suck.

  9. NotWorthyofMetal10/15/2011 7:51 PM

    Never mind, turns out the Dimebag post was by Xandemic. You know you suck when that bastard is better then you.

  10. Matt: President of the No Fun Club.

  11. NotWorthyofMetal10/16/2011 12:19 AM

    Hey look it's a pic of Matt IRL

  12. @NotWorthyofMetal

    I can see what you're getting at, which is cute, but unfortunately you've made several logical fallacies in your assessment of my article. You've assumed what is true for one, must be true for the whole.
    For example, the statement "All Eagles are birds" holds logical water, but the statement "All birds are Eagles" is a logical misrepresentation.
    Are you following me so far?
    In your case, you've taken my premise "Being negative is metal" and confused it with the logical assumption that therefore, all things negative are metal. You've confused cynicism and nihilism with angst and self-pity. Which is perfectly understandable, as my articles require a degree of logic and reason far beyond that of the third grade.I don't blame you for your error, but I do ask that you try harder in the future.

  13. I am so glad that all birds aren't eagles. That would be incredibly depressing(reference 1). In contrast if all birds were red tail hawks I believe life would be 15% more metal(reference 2).


  14. "If you’re unfortunate enough to work with one of these people, release a deadly strain of Ebola in their office and buy them a crappy gift when you’re their Secret Santa." Great line.

  15. kingcarcas134910/25/2011 2:29 AM

    Guy behind the counter, should have said, someone who listens to Muse or Daftpunk or something like that...........
    For some reason this one reminds of the time i wore a shirt that said "Walk with me in Hell" to Disneyland and people were all like "What's that supposed to mean" :? lol

  16. Cool dude, stay grim and die of cancer

  17. HeroinAndHorseSemen12/28/2011 8:56 AM

    I like to pick my nose in the train, makes all the people unhappy. AmImetalnow?

  18. nathan explosion.... is that you???

  19. "Grim and morbid" = "whiny and pathetic". If you commit your mental state (ergo mental health) to an aesthetic and artistic concept you are just what's wrong with metal (and youth in general nowadays). Or simply be brain dead. Metal is awesome, I listen to metal because it puts a big fucking smile on my face. Period. There is no "I'm not happy so I'll say being happy is not metal and everyone who is not happy is not truly metal", you are poser as fuck.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.