Thursday, August 6, 2015

Elitist News - Led Zeppelin Reissues. NOT METAL.

This is going to be a daily submission for at least as long as I can stand you poseurs. Elitist news is about what is making headlines in the metal world and why most of it IS NOT FUCKING METAL.

So without further delay, let’s talk about the latest cash grab by an aging hard rock band that poseurs tout as one of the originators of the genre. Jimmy Page is re-releasing the entire Led Zeppelin discography with bonus audio for each album. In fact he has been doing this since June 2014. Why did I call it the latest? Because prior to this I was so metal, that I refused to read the metal news. If something in the metal world was important enough that I needed to give a fuck about it, those less metal than I would bring me the news on bended knee praying they were not slaughtered for disgracing my ears with their bullshit. If it was acceptable, they were spared. If it wasn't? They were tossed into the pit where I keep past members of Manowar as punishment for not being able to stay in the most metal band in existence. Those tossed into the pit are consumed by the disgraced for sustenance. Now I have removed the ones that serve me so that I may pass my hand through the barrier between myself and the roaring maw that is metal news. Like Sonny of I, Robot, my heavy metal structure is so strong, that I may pass through said barrier which would turn any other metal warrior into a poseur, and come back holding a toxic piece of poseur news without being destroyed by it. I am tainting myself with this garbage for all of you, so that you may learn, and become truer. 

Regardless, do you know why he’s doing it? FOR FUCKING MONEY.  You know why Dave Mustaine reissued all of Megadeth’s material? Because Killing is My Business sounded like shit and needed to be remastered. But after that? FOR FUCKING MONEY. Want proof? The MD.45 album was remastered without Ving Lee’s vocals. Mustaine says it was to: "entice interest from Megadeth fans who might have overlooked the original." Translation: It didn’t sell well enough and I want FUCKING MONEY. You know what a better way to release all this classic unreleased material is? In a FUCKING BOX SET. Call it “Jimmy Page’s Super Awesome Deluxe Unreleased Led Zeppelin Demo Collection As played By Led Zeppelin Curated By Jimmy Page”.

But, I digress. It doesn’t matter that Jimmy Page is trying to fund his retirement with unreleased recordings. What’s more important, is that you FUCKING POSEURS are going to buy them. The band doesn’t even accept being called a metal band. You know why? BECAUSE THEY AREN’T. Playing hard rock and blues a metal band does not make. A true metal warrior would know immediately that they had been wronged when the sound of Page’s guitar hit their ears after a poseur lured them in with false promises of classic metal. Can he play well? Sure. Is he metal? NO. Want to suck the dick of a band that’s been playing since the 60’s? Try Deep Purple. I bet Roger Glover would love a good hummer. Listen to Highway Star and hear John Lord’s keyboard solo. That man’s corpse deserves more money and blowjobs than every member of Led Zeppelin combined. Anyone who buys this can consider themselves a poseur of the highest degree.


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