This is going to be a daily submission for at least as long
as I can stand you poseurs. Elitist news is about what is making headlines in
the metal world and why most of it IS
NOT FUCKING METAL.
So without further delay, let’s talk about the latest cash
grab by an aging hard rock band that poseurs tout as one of the originators of
the genre. Jimmy Page is re-releasing the entire Led Zeppelin discography with bonus audio for each album. In fact he has been doing this since June 2014. Why did I call it the latest? Because prior to this I was so metal, that I refused to read the metal news. If something in the metal world was important enough that I needed to give a fuck about it, those less metal than I would bring me the news on bended knee praying they were not slaughtered for disgracing my ears with their bullshit. If it was acceptable, they were spared. If it wasn't? They were tossed into the pit where I keep past members of Manowar as punishment for not being able to stay in the most metal band in existence. Those tossed into the pit are consumed by the disgraced for sustenance. Now I have removed the ones that serve me so that I may pass my hand through the barrier between myself and the roaring maw that is metal news. Like Sonny of I, Robot, my heavy metal structure is so strong, that I may pass through said barrier which would turn any other metal warrior into a poseur, and come back holding a toxic piece of poseur news without being destroyed by it. I am tainting myself with this garbage for all of you, so that you may learn, and become truer.
Regardless, do you know why he’s doing it? FOR FUCKING MONEY. You know why Dave Mustaine reissued all of
Megadeth’s material? Because Killing is
My Business sounded like shit and needed to be remastered. But after that? FOR FUCKING MONEY. Want proof? The
MD.45 album was remastered without Ving Lee’s vocals. Mustaine says it was to: "entice
interest from Megadeth fans who might have overlooked the original."
Translation: It didn’t sell well enough and I want FUCKING MONEY. You know what a better way to release all this
classic unreleased material is? In a FUCKING
BOX SET. Call it “Jimmy Page’s Super
Awesome Deluxe Unreleased Led Zeppelin Demo Collection As played By Led
Zeppelin Curated By Jimmy Page”.
But, I digress. It doesn’t matter that Jimmy Page is trying
to fund his retirement with unreleased recordings. What’s more important, is
that you FUCKING POSEURS are going
to buy them. The band doesn’t even accept being called a metal band. You know
why? BECAUSE THEY AREN’T. Playing
hard rock and blues a metal band does not make. A true metal warrior would know
immediately that they had been wronged when the sound of Page’s guitar hit
their ears after a poseur lured them in with false promises of classic metal. Can
he play well? Sure. Is he metal? NO.
Want to suck the dick of a band that’s been playing since the 60’s? Try Deep
Purple. I bet Roger Glover would love a good hummer. Listen to Highway Star and
hear John Lord’s keyboard solo. That man’s corpse deserves more money and
blowjobs than every member of Led Zeppelin combined. Anyone who buys this can
consider themselves a poseur of the highest degree.
Sagecutioner
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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.