Why does this exist? When I first looked at this I was disgusted with their gimmick. Specifically at man tits over there on the right. You care enough to buy Ned Flander's clothes but you still think you can rock the beard? YOU CAN'T. But what is truly TERRIBLE about this band is their fucking music. A Ned Flanders themed band could be funny if the musicians played the right kind of music. Anthrax does that comedy shit all the time. Thrash metal Ned Flanders in the vein of Anthrax or GWAR would be great. But GWAR this is not. Instead what we have is a bunch of Korn sound effects on top of shitty musicianship. And the garnish on top of this SHIT SANDWICH is that their vocalist has a truly terrible screaming voice. Head Ned screams like a teenage boy and fights with Jacob Bannon and Brent Hinds over cans of tuna that Brenocide continues to leave out in his darkest moments. Thankfully all they have out currently is a demo. Hopefully it stays that way.
Paul Di'anno has been touring while sitting in a chair because he can't get the surgery to repair his knees until next year, but unfortunately Paul has made a grave mistake. Singing metal while sitting in a chair IS NOT METAL. Still want to tour with chronic knee issues Paul? Deal with them. Stand up, lock your legs, lean on the mic, and sing. Have no equilibrium? Get a HEAVY fucking mic stand that can support your IMMENSE CRIPPLED WEIGHT. This isn't lounge music. You don't get to casually laze about while your band does all the work and you croon in your seat. Instead you stand and sing UNTIL YOUR LOWER BODY FALLS APART BENEATH YOU. Man up Paul, your fans deserve it.
Are you tired of being just like that girl up there? Want to feel like you have a say in what's posted here? Now you have the chance. Starting today I will be opening the gates for YOU the poseurs seeking enlightenment on how to be metal. Have news you think should be posted? Send it over. A band you want promoted? Send it over! An album you want reviewed? Send it over! Want to tell me that I am both a 12 year old and a middle aged man who lives in his mother's basement and has never had sex? SEND IT OVER! Want to send me STUPID BULLSHIT completely unrelated to this website or metal just to have the satisfaction that I had to read something you wrote? FUCKING SEND IT OVER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR !?!?!?!?!?!11111
Brenocide doesn't have time to read your shit every day. He has things to FUCKING do.I on the other hand am consistently angry about EVERY SINGLE THING I see on any metal news site and am more than happy to be consistently angry that you have filled my inbox with MUSICAL DIARRHEA.
Email me at sagecutioner [at] thatsnotmetal.com (Now included on the contact page) and remember, there is NO LIMIT to how much more metal than you I can be.
Nergal performed with Venom at the Alcatraz festival. Thankfully, some DOUCHE with a camera was there to waste his time recording it instead of enjoying the show. We shouldn't have to tell you this again, but your super special concert experience means fuck all to those of us that see it on the internet later. You wasted valuable minutes, that could have been spent basking in the metal glory of the moment, to record a video for a bunch of people that don't deserve to see it.
And to anyone who watched this for any reason other to confirm that it was indeed a crappy live video taken by a fan? You're part of the problem. Your ravenous need to see pixelated videos of your favorite bands is the reason this TRASH pollutes the internet. You're no better than than the guy who wasted money to watch a tiny video of a concert right in front of him.
"But Sagecutioner it's a historic moment!" FUCK YOU. It would have been something to see in person. You're watching a pale imitation of an awesome moment. This video is trying to pretend it's a good representation of what the actual event was like. That makes this video a poseur. Just like all of you.
Judas Priest recorded a cover of a soul band back in '87 before the release of Ram it Down. Thankfully they had the good sense to bury it until now. Changing the genre of a song doesn't make the new product WORTH A SHIT. Even when a metal band plays it a non-metal song is still a non-metal song. You can hide the recording sessions under the guise of "Experimental Reasons" but that doesn't protect you from the crap you just recorded.
Tipton says "God forbid we should ever do that — we wouldn't compromise the band in anything of that nature." in regards to the band being compared to pop music, but he doesn't have a leg to stand on. In case you forgot Tipton, you had just released FUCKING TURBO. The equivalent to a turd with your bands name stamped on it.
Between this surfacing and Ian Hill dressing like Ron Jeremy while talking about his taste in CRAP hard rock bands Priest has shown how non-metal they are multiple times this week. Good job boys.
This is everything that is wrong with genre covers all rolled up into one. Randy Rhoads is rolling in his grave. We have such esteemed celebrities as; Mexican gay pirate Ozzy, Mexican Tommy Lee, and Mexican Kurt Cobain in a Nirvana shirt.
SHIT LIKE THIS is why non-metal genre cover bands should be executed. Between Metalachi and Tragedy, THE ALL METAL TRIBUTE TO THE FUCKING BEE GEES there is nothing metal about these bands. It isn't fun, it isn't funny, ITS FUCKING STUPID. In fact cover bands as a whole CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF. Especially all female versions of male bands trying to sell music with their FUCKING TITS. The Iron Maidens, Misstallica, and Slaywhore can all fuck off. Want to play metal? PLAY YOUR OWN MUSIC AND STOP USING YOUR GENITALS TO TRICK POSEURS INTO GIVING YOU MONEY. There is no difference between those girls and any of the multitude of cover bands who's members share the same FUCKING GENDER as the ones they are covering. NONE OF THEM ARE METAL. Want to hear women in metal? FIND ONE PLAYING HER OWN SHIT. Better yet, find one that can sing.There is no difference between a woman and man playing the same instrument. It is irrelevant whether your guitarist has a COCK or a CUNT as long as they can play. Anyone that says otherwise is a FUCKING IDIOT. Go listen to Amberian Dawn if you want to hear a woman in the only part of music where your genitals make a difference.
By being in a cover band you are publicly declaring the musician you are trying to be is more metal than you. You are making yourself someone's bitch every time you play a note. There is nothing less metal than trying to be the best copy of another more metal person YOU FUCKING POSEURS. And ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS Metalachi? You sound like what Robert Rodriguez would have in the background of a From Dusk Till' Dawn sequel that takes place in a Mexican metal club and has Danny Trejo as the only returning actor. Cut the crap and flip your bus on some black ice.
Do you enjoy watching Ian Hill make polite conversation with
some fat guy on a couch? You shouldn’t because it’s fucking inane. Does it
sound like he enjoys being asked the same questions for the hundredth time?
Does FAT ASS MCHUNGARY think that that he is the first person to ever ask Judas
Priest about where their leather and spikes came from? FUCK OFF TUBBO. Not only do I have to hear you ask Hill STUPID SHIT, while he sits there dressed
like an aging porn star but I also have to listen to the fucking bass in the
background from the fucking concert.
The point is, if you have nothing to ask a musician that is
either; A. NOT INANE BULLSHIT, or B.
NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN FIND ON FUCKING WIKIPEDIA,
you have no business interviewing them. Fuck you in the mouth lard ass for
making me sit through you making Ian hill sit through what was probably the
worst part of his night. What crossed through your mind before sitting on that couch shit head? Were you blinded by the though of being so close to Ian Hill's dick that you couldn't think of anything worth asking? What was the point of those six minutes besides making Hill reveal HOW MUCH OF A BITCH HE IS, for his desert island play list of hard rock has-beens?
In other news, Ian Hill is scared and confused by the
internet. He talks about how it is both good and evil like some lovecraftian
abomination which wanders the cosmos devouring some and sparing others
seemingly at random. IT'S SOCIAL MEDIA FUCKO, FIGURE IT OUT.Spend less
time LISTENING TO YOUR HARD ROCK
BULLSHIT, and take a class at the senior’s center.Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix will still be
there sucking it up when you’re done.
This is going to be a daily submission for at least as long
as I can stand you poseurs. Elitist news is about what is making headlines in
the metal world and why most of it IS
NOT FUCKING METAL.
So without further delay, let’s talk about the latest cash
grab by an aging hard rock band that poseurs tout as one of the originators of
the genre. Jimmy Page is re-releasing the entire Led Zeppelin discography with bonus audio for each album. In fact he has been doing this since June 2014. Why did I call it the latest? Because prior to this I was so metal, that I refused to read the metal news. If something in the metal world was important enough that I needed to give a fuck about it, those less metal than I would bring me the news on bended knee praying they were not slaughtered for disgracing my ears with their bullshit. If it was acceptable, they were spared. If it wasn't? They were tossed into the pit where I keep past members of Manowar as punishment for not being able to stay in the most metal band in existence. Those tossed into the pit are consumed by the disgraced for sustenance. Now I have removed the ones that serve me so that I may pass my hand through the barrier between myself and the roaring maw that is metal news. Like Sonny of I, Robot, my heavy metal structure is so strong, that I may pass through said barrier which would turn any other metal warrior into a poseur, and come back holding a toxic piece of poseur news without being destroyed by it. I am tainting myself with this garbage for all of you, so that you may learn, and become truer.
Regardless, do you know why he’s doing it? FOR FUCKING MONEY.You know why Dave Mustaine reissued all of
Megadeth’s material? Because Killing is
My Business sounded like shit and needed to be remastered. But after that? FOR FUCKING MONEY. Want proof? The
MD.45 album was remastered without Ving Lee’s vocals. Mustaine says it was to: "entice
interest from Megadeth fans who might have overlooked the original."
Translation: It didn’t sell well enough and I want FUCKING MONEY. You know what a better way to release all this
classic unreleased material is? In a FUCKING
BOX SET. Call it “Jimmy Page’s Super
Awesome Deluxe Unreleased Led Zeppelin Demo Collection As played By Led
Zeppelin Curated By Jimmy Page”.
But, I digress. It doesn’t matter that Jimmy Page is trying
to fund his retirement with unreleased recordings. What’s more important, is
that you FUCKING POSEURS are going
to buy them. The band doesn’t even accept being called a metal band. You know
why? BECAUSE THEY AREN’T. Playing
hard rock and blues a metal band does not make. A true metal warrior would know
immediately that they had been wronged when the sound of Page’s guitar hit
their ears after a poseur lured them in with false promises of classic metal. Can
he play well? Sure. Is he metal? NO.
Want to suck the dick of a band that’s been playing since the 60’s? Try Deep
Purple. I bet Roger Glover would love a good hummer. Listen to Highway Star and
hear John Lord’s keyboard solo. That man’s corpse deserves more money and
blowjobs than every member of Led Zeppelin combined. Anyone who buys this can
consider themselves a poseur of the highest degree.
