Sunday, May 1, 2011

Metalcore Elitists


We here at TNM only want what’s best for you. All the belittlement, insults, strict guidelines and holier than thou attitude; that’s just our way of showing our concern that you’re getting a proper metal education. We need to take a tough love approach because we’re getting you ready to go out into the real world as a hardened metal warrior. We can’t have you running around thinking that it’s alright to listen to bands like A Day To Remember and still call yourself a metalhead. If necessary, we'll take a shovel and beat the stupidity out of you, it’s not cruel or mean spirited, it’s simply character building. If you stick a piece of coal up your ass and squeeze for long enough, eventually a diamond will come out, right?

That’s why, as an educator, I’m filled with disappointment when I come across a Metalcore Elitist. It’s how I imagine a social studies teacher feels when they stop at a set of traffic lights and see kids peddling crack on the street corner. It’s the complete opposite to all the values that we strive so hard to uphold.

The typical Metalcore Elitist, or “Mettalicus Retardica” to use the proper vernacular, is a curious breed that actively and exclusively listens to Metalcore. The clincher is that they will turn their nose up and aggressively dismiss any bands that can even remotely be considered Metal, apparently any band that doesn’t have at least one breakdown per song, and a skinny prepubescent vocalist just isn’t going to cut it for them.

Elitism: urdoinitwrong

Now, I can understand the desire to experience different music. That’s what causes you lot to commit violations; you try out different sounds and in the process pick up bands that aren’t metal. I can also understand the desire to listen to one kind of music exclusively, (God knows there was a time when I wouldn’t listen to anything that wasn’t 80’s Thrash). What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to only listen to one kind of music that happens to suck, especially when pure awesomeness is so close by. (Seriously, why would you eargasm over Underoath and then dump over Lamb of God? Are they that far apart?)

You know what it’s like? It’s like sitting down to a luxurious three course meal, with Lobster Thermidor and for dessert Crème Brule made from the finest imported ingredients and lovingly hand crafted to perfection; and what do you choose to do? You decide to plonk your pasty white ass in the corner and chew on your own toenails. I know they smell like cheese, but dude, there’s a far more satisfying meal sitting right in front of you.

This is what you're chewing on in the buffet of metal

The only conclusion I can come to is that all this idiotic Metalcore purity is nothing more than a phase. Surely no one can be so thick-headed as to subject themselves to that crap for the rest of their lives... or until the next fad comes along and they start furiously clinging to that, whichever comes first. It’s downright masochistic...

Enjoy your toenails retard.

20 comments:

  1. I didn't even know such abomination existed till today. Figures though, if there are people thinking they are jesus or pokemon is real, there are bound to be people thinking metalcore is the best thing in the world. Fucktards

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  2. I know a guy who literally lets his day get ruined whenever some says that August Burns Red sucks.

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  3. Why the toe picture, put me right off my chocolate

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  4. Bloody hell I was eating while I saw that toenail picture! I almost threw up!

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  5. I know some guys who exclusively listen to metalcore, they think the things ive played for them that are real death metal (morbid angel, death) are "emotionless' and they prefer bands that 'mix it up more'. They base their judgement of bands on a) number of breakdowns b)number of solos with sweeps c)number of time changes d)how many good pig squeals they do. By this logic, the bands they deem better simply have more and more of each category per song. This goes to show that metalcore is really a one-dimensional genre comprised of bands trying to out-breakdown and out-squeal (and by the look of them, out-gay) one-another. There is no real creativity or innovation. It's just numbers, and seeing who can steal from other crap types of music and incorporate it into the time-tested metalcore framework of scream the verse, sing the chorus.

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  6. I will now imagine of those moldy toenails every time I so think or so much as read the name of a metalcore band.

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  7. Bloody hell I was eating while I saw that toenail picture! I almost threw up!
    I was eating a toenail when I saw it, how do you think I feel?
    Who (or what) are those creatures? Some Amish metalband?

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  8. All I'll say is "To each to his own." If they want to rot in the metalcore scene and not see redemption, let 'em.

    And to reply to what pitbullgirl65's question ...It's Bring Me The Horizon...

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  9. Please, hold your orgasms.
    I am eating while looking at the toenail, shit's not even that horrendous.

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  10. Aye. Am I wrong in that I consider myself a fan of metal for 20+ years and only recently learned what "metalcore" meant? And then I felt sad, not as much for the fans, because there's something out there for everybody, but more for the musicians because, dammit, it has to get dull sunk into a sub-sub-genre that, frankly, is a one-trick pony.

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  11. Metalcore
    is
    BLASPHEMY

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  12. If metalcore people want some epic breakdown's, solo's and alot of diversity in songs I suggest listening to Midnight Sunrise by Turisas. Not really a breakdown, but alot of diversity!

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  13. I think diversity is good. But what PASSES for diversity in metalcore is pathetic. I like mixing it up but what THEY call "mixing it up" is actually anything but. Too formulaic. Anyway, right or worng, I'm the only person commenting, or even reading who isn't a poseur who secretly loves metalcore anyway, so I will just cross my arms now.

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    1. TheDutchViking4/10/2012 4:29 PM

      wrong. you're a poseur.

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  14. Maybe a stupid question, but can anyone explain why it is called metal-"core"? It seems to me that it has nothing to do with either hardcore/punk or the core of metal, or anything like that.

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  15. black metal disciple3/15/2012 1:05 AM

    anything core pretty much SUKS PERIOD its a plague i would gladly exterminate while blasting some Warbringer, Gorgoroths Destroyer album or Vreids Milorg album

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    1. Except that every single one of those bands suck balls and would only further one's love of metalcore, 'cause they'll know the alternatives are the diarrhoea bands you just listed and other similar "bands".

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  16. black metal disciple3/21/2012 12:56 AM

    well except hardcore punk punks pretty badass at parties

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  17. An old acquaintance of mine is one of these. I've been playing Folk Metal on my speakers whenever he's around, trying to redeem him by osmosis. So far, the only other options it drive a spike through his head.

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  18. My little sister really loves herself some toenails. Or armpit fungus if you include the "white scene girls thinking they are japanese" music. she also enjoys pimple puss otherwise known as white scene guys thinking they are black.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.