Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mixed Martial Arts

This morning while I was at work, instead of doing the job I was paid to do at my desk, I was busy trolling some internet forums and skimming through I was trying to see if there was any recent bit of metal news worth mentioning here on the blog. That's hardly ever the case with Blabbermouth, however. If Nikki Sixx takes a dump in a gas station somewhere, Blabbermouth will write 7 paragraphs about it and call it news.

One article that somehow managed to catch my eye pertained to mainstream radio rock outfit, Disturbed and how they were releasing a music video for their song "Warrior". I didn't bother to watch the video, or hear the song, because for all intensive purposes, Disturbed blows squirrel balls. What I did do, regretfully, was read a quote from Disturbed drummer, Mike Wengren stating "We wrote [Warrior] about MMA fighters. We are hoping the UFC will be interested and use it for events or a soundtrack or something. We'll keep our fingers crossed hoping they like it, but the song is about MMA fighting and just showing our respect to those guys."

More like "respect" for UFC's bank account. Shameless, to say the leastI guess when you're at such a point in your musical career, there's no point in even at least pretending to have anything related to integrity anymore. Way to go, Disturbed. 

My mind is telling me no. But my body... my body is tellin me yes.
I won't ever understand metal's current love affair with MMA. First and foremost, it is a sport. That should be the end of our discussion right there. There's little that makes me rage harder than having to listen to two middle-aged jerkoffs discuss MVP stats, who got traded this week, or worst of all, their March Madness brackets. Nobody gives a shit. I will never see the appeal of watching a bunch of millionaires play catch and grabass with each other. Shut your stupid suckholes and stop wasting your time watching a bunch of grown men play a game the rest of us got tired of when we reached the age of 12.

It's a particularly painful sport to watch as well. Not because it's a full contact sport and looks like it hurts, but because with every fight between two competitors, it's about 8% punches and kicks, and 92% rolling around on the floor, grinding their balls against each other's faces and dry humping each other's naked legs. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife, expecting a steamy makeout session between the two panting, sweaty dudes by the end of the second round. Thanks, but no thanks. 

I can think of at least 11 shitty rock music videos right off the top of my head that have some sort of MMA theme in some way or another. I will post several of these for you now (Edit: The douchey facial expression on each video image preview a complete, albeit very fitting coincidence):

Click Here To Watch The Video
Why Metal Injection would ever host a Godsmack video is something you'll have to take up with them...

The relationship between heavy metal and MMA is no doubt a one-sided romance. I'm sure the likes of Five Finger Butt Punch and Godsmack have no problem finding their way onto a cage fighter's iPod Touch. Shadows Fall maybe, but Megadeth I wouldn't be sure about. The majority of these guys are obviously of the Trapt and Breaking Benjamin musical persuasion. Let's not forget that your typical MMA fighter reigns supreme as king of all douchebags. With their athletic physiques and years of intense martial arts training, they know they can get away with looking like anything. Pink frosted mohawks, chin beards, spray-on tans, and tribal tattoos are a mainstay in the signature MMA style. Not to mention TAPOUT brand apparel, which as far as I'm concerned, wearing is a direct invitation to have someone run your douchey ass over with a truck. Everything you should be able to make fun of a person about, they utilize in their appearance. But you can't say anything to their faces out of fear of your own safety, so I'll just say it here on the internet: You look gaytarded. 

The owners of the TAPOUT brand. Case closed.
Two dudes beating the living hell out of each other within a steel cage sounds pretty metal in theory, but 10 minutes of witnessing an actual televised UFC event will be enough to convince even the dimmest of metalheads that they should consider every other possible theme for a music video as opposed to this. Even skateboarding. Stop making MMA-themed music videos. Better yet, stop holding MMA events altogether. That would solve all of our problems.

There ain't nothing wrong with a lil bump n' grind.


  1. Everyone I know who does MMA fails at being a human being, and are dirty-white-hat kids. Nothing worse then a dirty-white-hat kid.

  2. Is it wrong that I wanted to see the girl get punched in the Megadeth video?

  3. As we've all learned from Manowar, there is nothing more metal than a bunch of half naked sweaty dudes.

  4. While I agree with the anti-sports sentiment you express, I must disagree with you on MMA. I can't stand other sports or discussions about them, but MMA is metal. The striking is like the heavy parts and the groundwork is very intricate and demanding. Even though alot of fighters are jock assholes, one on one they'd crush athletes from any other sport much like metal crushes pop. And GSP could and would do it without bein' a dick, watchin' that dude put an ass kickin' on some body is like an epic metal song.

    I've been an MMA fan since seeing UFC 2 and in the beginning it was even more metal. I didn't even consider it a sport back then, it was just fighting. The rules that define it as a sport now were implemented as the only way to keep it legal.

    Bottom line, if metal had to have a sport it'd have to be MMA. Even "rolling around" on the ground is brutal, if you don't think so try it sometime, you'll find no sexual tension unless it comes from an immature or grappling ignorant spectator. With that said, fuck baseball, basketball, soccer, football, hockey, tennis, golf and most of all.... Fuck NASCAR and a bunch of drivin' in a goddamn circle.

  5. "If metal had a sport," it'd be gladiatorial matches between murderers and rapists on death row. Nothing less.

  6. @Xan
    Hell yeah, as soon as they start that I'll give up MMA, 'till then......

  7. Haha Xan! I couldn't have said it any better. You can like metal and sports but keep them separate. The last thing we need is the Football stadiums replacing Back in Black with Transilvanian Hunger.

  8. Boxing is better, if only they got their shit together and yes it should be separate, would any of those fighters give a shit about any of those bands? Doubtful.

  9. Shroomkillah8/17/2011 12:04 PM

    Im still trying to understand the irony of wearing an Einstein t-shirt while playing on a MMA based clip...I know its obvious but I think there is a deeper meaning behind that...or isn't there any meaning at all?

  10. I saw combat, honour and brutality in MMA because that's what I was looking for.

    You saw ball touching and faggotry because thats what you were looking for.

    Im a metal head, and 98% of the metal heads I know will listen to a band who sings about swords, dragons, being dark, grim, violent and uncontrollable, assuming there is some tough guy appeal, but dont like mma, probably because their man boobs would flop about uncontrollably under their moon bleached black metal T-shirts if they tried it.

    Violence isnt fun when its real for people who are too weak to deal with violence.

    You sir, are a fuckwit.

    1. You can be weak and able to deal with violence if you have the mental capacity to think ahead. FUCKWIT

  11. The Undertaker9/17/2011 8:49 AM

    MMA sucks get over it people.

  12. That's not metal. That's gay (not that I have anything against homosexuals). MMA is just fucking lame. With a bunch of 'tough guys'. I invite said tough guys to the pit to have their asses handed out to them.

  13. UFC, or should I say, Ultra-Fag-Championship... enough said. Everyone I know who is into that shit is a total douche bag strangely enough. In fact, I know a guy that thinks he is the most metal mother fucker that has ever walked the face of mother earth, guess what else? He listens to hate breed and other similarly shitty ass bands. As stated prior, "enough said." I had to actually stop being friends with him, and then I kicked him out of my place.

  14. Anonymoose, your a fag.

  15. The blog was absolutely fantastic! Lot of great information which can be helpful in some or the other way.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.