Beanies

You again.

Here are a couple important facts about your current situation that I thought you should know:

1. At the time that this was first posted, we are fast-approaching May. 
2. You are indoors sitting comfortably in, or slightly above room temperature.

Take off the god damn snow hat.

Why and how a winter cap became a year-round accessory is beyond me. Somehow, I blame the 90's. Some call it a tuque, some call it a beanie, some call it a skull cap. I call it retarded. A beanie is a knitted cap, typically made of wool or synthetic fibers that is designed to provide warmth in the winter. It is thick, it is heavy, and it is unbearably hot to wear one in any temperature above 5 degrees Fahrenheit. Unlike a baseball cap, which has holes dotting the top, beanies are just one thick piece of fabric, and cut off all air circulation to your scalp. Since they are an impossibly warm piece of headgear, what lay underneath be nothing less than a festering pile of greasy hair, pouring sweat, and a horrendous odor so unimaginable, that there are no words in written English for me to share with you as a means of comparison.

It smells like Teen Spirit in here.

The last time I wore a beanie, I was shoveling snow off the enormous driveway back at the home I grew up in. My family was too cheapskate to purchase a snow plow (a necessity if you want to live in New England with your own driveway), but it turned out okay, because the back-breaking labor and physical anguish I endured on a daily basis, transformed me into the pure metal titan of contempt and animosity you see before you now. Even in below freezing temperatures, the sweat poured from the top of my head like a gnarly geyser. With every shovel of snow hurled off the driveway, I could feel the top of my cranium becoming more vile and disgusting. In a fit of rage, I freed my skull from its black wool prison, my illustrious brown locks whipping in the blizzard's frigid winds. I then let loose a mighty roar as lightning cracked the sky. That's right, I invoked lightning bolts in a blizzard. That's how metal I was at 13.

U2 guitarist "The Edge" is seen here celebrating his birthday in 2009. He was born on August 8th.

I don't know how many pieces of headwear I'm going to have to go through, to convince you that we in the Heavy Metal Fashion Police think that hats aren't metal. You shouldn't need a hat to keep your head and ears warm, because you should already have a long epic mane that's left free to fly. A thick head of hair is all the warmth you should ever need. Never mind the fact that it's not January right now. If you are balding, bald, or unable to grow your hair out for professional, family or personal reasons, than there is only one acceptable form of headgear should you choose to go out wearing something on your head. 

True Metal Redemption is hardly as severe a practice for beanies as I usually make of it. Just take the damn thing off, throw it in the back of your closet, and wait until the Earth is covered in a layer of permafrost and you absolutely need it to walk out and get your mail or something. If it's 20 below and you need to walk outside for God knows what, then that makes sense to me. I'm willing to work with you a bit on that one. There is however, no practical use for wearing a beanie while you're showing off your guitar skills on YouTube, indoors when it is August. Do yourself and your head a favor: take off the moldy hipster hat. If the below image is how you think people should present themselves, you're listening to the wrong metal.