Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Beanies

You again.
Here are a couple important facts about your current situation that I thought you should know:
  1. At the time that this was first posted, we are fast-approaching May. 
  2. You are indoors sitting comfortably in, or slightly above room temperature.

Take off the god damn snow hat.

Why and how a winter cap became a year-round accessory is beyond me. Somehow, I blame the 90's. Some call it a tuque, some call it a beanie, some call it a skull cap. I call it retarded. A beanie is a knitted cap, typically made of wool or synthetic fibers that is designed to provide warmth in the winter. It is thick, it is heavy, and it is unbearably hot to wear one in any temperature above 5 degrees Fahrenheit. Unlike a baseball cap, which has holes dotting the top, beanies are just one thick piece of fabric, and cut off all air circulation to your scalp. Since they are an impossibly warm piece of headgear, what lay underneath be nothing less than a festering pile of greasy hair, pouring sweat, and a horrendous odor so unimaginable, that there are no words in written English for me to share with you as a means of comparison.

It smells like Teen Spirit in here.
The last time I wore a beanie, I was shoveling snow off the enormous driveway back at the home I grew up in. My family was too cheapskate to purchase a snow plow (a necessity if you want to live in New England with your own driveway), but it turned out okay, because the back-breaking labor and physical anguish I endured on a daily basis, transformed me into the pure metal titan of contempt and animosity you see before you now. Even in below freezing temperatures, the sweat poured from the top of my head like a gnarly geyser. With every shovel of snow hurled off the driveway, I could feel the top of my cranium becoming more vile and disgusting. In a fit of rage, I freed my skull from its black wool prison, my illustrious brown locks whipping in the blizzard's frigid winds. I then let loose a mighty roar as lightning cracked the sky. That's right, I invoked lightning bolts in a blizzard. That's how metal I was at 13.

U2 guitarist "The Edge" is seen here celebrating his birthday in 2009. He was born on August 8th.
I don't know how many pieces of headwear I'm going to have to go through, to convince you that we in the Heavy Metal Fashion Police think that hats aren't metal. You shouldn't need a hat to keep your head and ears warm, because you should already have a long epic mane that's left free to fly. A thick head of hair is all the warmth you should ever need. Never mind the fact that it's not January right now. If you are balding, bald, or unable to grow your hair out for professional, family or personal reasons, than there is only one acceptable form of headgear should you choose to go out wearing something on your head. 

True Metal Redemption is hardly as severe a practice for beanies as I usually make of it. Just take the damn thing off, throw it in the back of your closet, and wait until the Earth is covered in a layer of permafrost and you absolutely need it to walk out and get your mail or something. If it's 20 below and you need to walk outside for God knows what, then that makes sense to me. I'm willing to work with you a bit on that one. There is however, no practical use for wearing a beanie while you're showing off your guitar skills on YouTube, indoors when it is August. Do yourself and your head a favor: take off the moldy hipster hat. If the below image is how you think people should present themselves, you're listening to the wrong metal.


18 comments:

  1. Haha. See 'Warrel Dane'.

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  2. Warrel Dane is beyond metal :)

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  3. The edge's hat thing isn't actually a beanie. It's a cap for bald guys to keep them from getting sunburned on the head.

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  4. Whos that girl in the first picture? she's pretty cute.

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  5. There is no 'wrong metal'. This is more your field of profession than mine but wrong metal = not metal. And if it's not metal, it's garbage.

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  6. Alex Laiho is the least metal person ever. He is seriously up there with Oli Sykes! I had the misfortune of seeing Children of Sodomy live at a Black Label Society show. It was terrible, it sounded like they played one really long song the whole time. Unfortunately nobody wanted to sit down.

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  7. I actually addressed this back before you destroyed the discussion board. Way to rip me off Brenocide.

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  8. 'we in the Heavy Metal Fashion Police think that hats aren't metal.'

    http://www.questions.com.br/images/2007_municipal_01.jpg

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  9. ApocaLips: Okay then, well thanks for the idea.

    Tium: Caucasian please. If playing ironic post-80's retro thrash style dress up is true metal, then I'm in the wrong genre.

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  10. I only like it when people wear their beanie way back on their heads, as if to say "Fuck this thing is hot as balls...but I must remain fashionably ironic"!

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  11. ^ when worn like that, to me and my friends it is known as a douché hat

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  12. Also

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Diamond

    An acceptable hat, if used with the correct facepaint

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  13. I own a beanie... I guess I'm not metal.

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  14. So do i a Kings beanie for hockey games in the Winter! Otherwise it looks like you are trying to be the 15 year old fat "goth" chick with oversized sweaters and pants, trying to cover up her surplus and cutting scars........

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  15. I look absurd in a beanie, but I look even worse without it. Being halfway through growing your hair out sucks.

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  16. it was the 90's, people didn't realize that Nirvana and Pearl Jam wore flannel and beanies all the time because they lived in SEATTLE. Don't know how many of you have ever been to Seattle but it pretty well stays cold and rainy all year. But their music was cool so everyone just had to adopt that "Seattle Look"

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  17. and for the record....being a "heavy metal fashion" nazi means you missed the point of metal all together. True metal heads see fashion but don't give a shit. Real metal heads accept whatever anyone else wants to look like. We take in the unwanted, uncool, and anti-social. We take in the dorks and the geeks and all that's in between because metal welcomes everybody no matter what they look like.

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  18. ^^^^^^^^fag

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.