Snakebites

You’ve finally cracked it. You’re sick and tired of being misunderstood. No one really gets you. You need a way to assert your individuality in a way that not only makes you stand out, but also makes you look so hawt and smexy in the process.

Honestly can't tell if this is a man or a woman.

Then, suddenly it hits you. Snakebites!! It’s so perfect. Big pouty lips with chunks of metal hanging off them are totally cool, and Oli Sykes has them too! If you look like him, it will surely reinforce the dark, angst ridden poet that dwells inside your soul. It might even catch the eye of that cute girl that works at Starbucks. One look at your manly, metal infused mandible will surely make her panties moist and convince her of what you’ve known all along; that you two are soul mates and are destined to spend the rest of your lives together, selling paintings to famous European filmmakers like Lars Ulrich.

You know it could happen. Go for it slugger!

Why, hello ladies.

Sitting in the parlour, you can feel yourself starting to sweat. You wish you’d asked your Mother to come with you, rather than saying you were going to Jimmy’s Scout barbecue. The place smells, and there’s a scary looking woman sitting at the counter. At least, you think that’s a woman...

This isn’t what you expected...maybe you should reconsider...

NO! You’re doing this for your love, for your soul. Can you still call yourself a man if you don’t see this through to the end?

Enduring the procedure is almost too much for you to bear, you cringe and fight back the tears as hard as you can, but as the hot metal is inserted into your lip, you can’t help but let out a little squeal. It’s embarrassing, but your Mother says that it’s perfectly natural for a growing boy’s voice to break from time to time.

Emerging from the piercing parlour, you are victorious! Having successfully climbed the stairs to adulthood, nothing can stop you now! The world is your oyster...

But hold on! On the way out of the mall, people start giving you strange looks...

Small minded fools! This is exactly the kind of reaction you wanted to get, to freak people out, and rattle a few cages as it were. They’re all marvelling at the edgy, dangerous hotbed of sexuality you have become, aren’t they?

That Starbucks girl won’t know what hit her.

A few weeks later, however, you are singing quite the different tune. Your lips have swelled up to preposterous proportions, they’re dirty and infectious and look like pus ridden balloons that are about to pop. It’s almost as if it isn’t natural to have two holes torn into your lip...

You can’t possibly ever face that Starbucks girl now. You have been forsaken. Just another cruel twist of fate in this cold world. Retiring to your basement, the only thing left for you to do is vent your fury onto the internet...

Just like the attention seeking scrotum slapper you are.