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| This guy... |
I went to Hot Topic the other day so that I could stand around and intimidate people in the band shirt section. While rifling through a pile of Iron Maiden t-shirts I was going to shop-lift, I saw a size “M” and “S”, and could do nothing but hang my head in shame... For these t-shirts were destined not to be worn truly and with pride; but for ironic 'retro style' purposes reserved only for the hipsters skinny enough to squeeze into such a puny size.
True metalheads are no strangers to rebellion, and rebelling against good health is no exception. Metal dudes are big and they are fat. Our diets consist of beer, whiskey and meat. The only exercise we get is head banging, push pits, and fucking. In most cases, just head banging and push pits. That's not a lot. As such, the sizing of heavy metal band shirts should only fall within the holy trinity of man sizes: L, XL, and 2XL. Which stand for Large, Extra Large, and Heavy Metal.
If you are a 90-lb weakling, and that L-sized shirt is sagging over your knees, fear not. As a child baptized in the fires of rock, you're already on your way there. Self-loathing and the inability to give a shit will lead to self-destructive behavior in the forms of devouring food that contains high amounts of saturated fat, and also consuming large quantities of alcohol. Combining this gastric onslaught with the recommended headbanger's workout of sitting at your computer chair and arguing on the Internet, you'll be busting that Necrophagist tee at the seams in no time!
"90-lb weakling" so are you saying that 2XL or "big and fat" is being srong, because if you are, you sir are grossly misinformed. and if i o recall most metal bands are usually those skinny "hipsters" and im talking old school metal, not this new death metal norwegan stuff.
ReplyDelete"new death metal norwegan stuff"? Death metal isn't "norwegan" you fucktard.
Deletehe is honestly making a joke. The chances are he claims peace with his weight but it is obvious by his word choice he sees how unhealthy it is to "rebel against health" though it is dumb, and he should probably quit that before it gets the best of him. Like his brain. FOOD CAN DO THAT. man, don't let it go to far. You write hilariously.
DeleteI don't think your argument is very "srong".
ReplyDeleteHaha I fucking love it man! Reminds me of The Black Dahlia Murder, have you seen their DVD Majesty?
ReplyDeleteI think this is a load of bullshit. Being metal has nothing do with your size. I wear medium sized shirts because they fit me. I am not going to buy a size that does not fit me because some fat guy thinks its un-metal to be size S/M
ReplyDeleteMeh, I can't be arsed enough to eat. I have never felt hunger in my life and don't feel anything if I haven't eaten for a day. So sue me.
ReplyDeleteI eat meat and drink beer like a man.
ReplyDeleteYour forgetting about one of the most metal dudes in existance Ronnie fucking James Dio (R.I.P.) i pretty sure this man wasnt walking taller than 5,2 and probobly weighed in at about 90 pounds. You also forgot about kids in metal. Remember when you were 11 and first heard iron maiden? im pretty sure you didnt want that GAP collard shirt that your grandparents always seemed to get for you for christmas. No, you wanted your older brothers iron maiden t's that were always 8-sizes to big so you begged your parents to order you one. yeah i was rocking boys medium slayer t at 12. whats not metal about that?
ReplyDeleteLol for people taking this seriously.
ReplyDeleteJamie will be destroyed in the pitt! Grow a pair and buy an L mofo!! Start benching then and eat more meat.......which reminds me i need to get on the treadmill.
ReplyDeletethis is pretty gay, last time i checked, gangstas wear L,XL, ext, metalheads wear tight shirts or atleast "normal" fitting shirts...
ReplyDeleteawesome article, everyone that takes it too seriously is retarded and doesn't understand humor
ReplyDeleteFunny article, but i still wear a medium and i'm a puny fuck at 170 lbs. but keep writing funny shit, faggot. Half my sweet metal shirts are still large though, just because it was the smallest option i had.
ReplyDeleteare you fucking kidding me, if you are a skinny faggot, eat some slaughtered animals, drink some god damn whiskey and beef up you miserable cunts
ReplyDeletehahahahahahhahahahahaha fuck off you sweaty fat pricks.
ReplyDeleteBones are way more metal than muscles.
The sad thing is that some of us can't help being skinny as when you've got a fast metabolism it's hard to put on weight, which in my opinion sucks the orbs of castrated horses.
ReplyDeleteAnd to the guy above me, I don't know how you mean by that when muscle breaks skulls, and if I remember from my second year in primary science class over all the other kids pissing their pants and crying at gore; the skull is a bone, dip shit.
If an aspect of being Metal is getting one-up on each other, I'd count muscle crushing skulls as a one-up.
Hey I am only 145 pounds and wear medium shirts but I also drink whenever i can get it, smoke like a chimney, worship at the alter of fast food and fuck my gf on a regular basis, so I'm far from a straight edge health freak. As for mosh pits, my small physic comes in handy when me and my larger comrades want to break up retarded ass hardcore "moshing" at backyard shows where metal, punk, and hardcire bands are all playing so I'm used as a scenster destroying battering ram!
ReplyDeleteyah smoking is a good thing to be in habit of if you want to mosh for 4 hour+ shows
ReplyDeleteI eat meat and i drink beer but i have Cerebral Palsy so I cant gain weight... so I get pissed and eat more meat and drink more beer cause if I am going to have to be skinny them dammit I am at least going to be piss drunk and full of meat.
ReplyDeleteHey its not my fault, I do nothing but sit on my arse, smoke pot, drink beer and eat junk food and I have not put on any weight
ReplyDeletemust be my metalbolism
This is a funny comment section.
ReplyDeleteThis is SO late, I realize... but let's face it, these "90-lb weaklings" that you refer to are completely misunderstanding the REAL reason why these band shirts even come in Small and Medium- it's because some REAL metal chicks (like me) fit in Small and Medium. We all know that guys' band shirt designs are so much cooler than girls'.
ReplyDeleteOr because I was cursed with a metabolism so high that i can eat 12000 calories a day and sit my lazy ass on the couch, blare Nile and kill zombies all day and still lose weight. oh and yeah this is late as if it fucking matters
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