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| This guy... |
I went to Hot Topic the other day so that I could stand around and intimidate people in the band shirt section. While rifling through a pile of Iron Maiden t-shirts I was going to shop-lift, I saw a size “M” and “S”, and could do nothing but hang my head in shame... For these t-shirts were destined not to be worn truly and with pride; but for ironic 'retro style' purposes reserved only for the hipsters skinny enough to squeeze into such a puny size.
True metalheads are no strangers to rebellion, and rebelling against good health is no exception. Metal dudes are big and they are fat. Our diets consist of beer, whiskey and meat. The only exercise we get is head banging, push pits, and fucking. In most cases, just head banging and push pits. That's not a lot. As such, the sizing of heavy metal band shirts should only fall within the holy trinity of man sizes: L, XL, and 2XL. Which stand for Large, Extra Large, and Heavy Metal.
If you are a 90-lb weakling, and that L-sized shirt is sagging over your knees, fear not. As a child baptized in the fires of rock, you're already on your way there. Self-loathing and the inability to give a shit will lead to self-destructive behavior in the forms of devouring food that contains high amounts of saturated fat, and also consuming large quantities of alcohol. Combining this gastric onslaught with the recommended headbanger's workout of sitting at your computer chair and arguing on the Internet, you'll be busting that Necrophagist tee at the seams in no time!
