Playing Guitar like you're a Crab

Clearly the above Attack Attack! music video has heavy metal violations in spades. I don't think I could give you a more pristine example of anything less metal than this, but we're just going to have to put everything else aside for now (yes, even the auto-tuning) and discuss the main point of this article. For whatever reason, this band, and many other post nu-metalcore screamo industrial progressive boy bands just like them, (Abandon All Ships, Miss May I, etc) have this tendency to act like crabs while playing their instruments. Although it goes on from start to finish, I suggest you skip ahead to the one minute mark in the music video, to get a display of this phenomena in full effect for the remainder of the break down.

The guitarist or bassist assumes the crab position by spreading his legs in a wide stance, bending at the knees and squatting as far down as he can go without ripping his girl jeans. From there, he quickly starts bending his knees back and forth, propelling his body upward and downward to the rhythm of what I can only assume he thinks is 'music'. Due to this unique style of playing, screamo such as this has been aptly labeled "Crabcore", probably by other scenesters that think their core is anything less stupid.

I guess it makes a lot more sense than it does at first glance. Think about it. Auto-tuning is really just a way to make it sound like you're singing underwater, and I'm no marine biologist, but crabs definitely like water. Your typical metalcore riff also wouldn't require much more than crab-like appendages to play on a guitar. Obviously there must be a deeper meaning to all of this, that an outsider like myself wouldn't understand...

A solid heavy metal guitar playing stance is with your legs spread evenly and bent at the knees slightly; your feet planted firmly, your axe slung low, your back straight, and your head banging. It's simple, yet effective. The more stationary you remain, the harder you look. A strong stand and a mean scowl will get you more respect in the metal community than prancing or bouncing around like a jackass ever would.  

The crab dance of modern day suck rock is like the 'nu-metal hunch over' of the 90's. What will terrible music think of next?