Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Playing Guitar like you're a Crab


Clearly the above Attack Attack! music video has heavy metal violations in spades. I don't think I could give you a more pristine example of anything less metal than this, but we're just going to have to put everything else aside for now (yes, even the auto-tuning) and discuss the main point of this article. For whatever reason, this band, and many other post nu-metalcore screamo industrial progressive boy bands just like them, (Abandon All Ships, Miss May I, etc) have this tendency to act like crabs while playing their instruments. Although it goes on from start to finish, I suggest you skip ahead to the one minute mark in the music video, to get a display of this phenomena in full effect for the remainder of the break down.

The guitarist or bassist assumes the crab position by spreading his legs in a wide stance, bending at the knees and squatting as far down as he can go without ripping his girl jeans. From there, he quickly starts bending his knees back and forth, propelling his body upward and downward to the rhythm of what I can only assume he thinks is 'music'. Due to this unique style of playing, screamo such as this has been aptly labeled "Crabcore", probably by other scenesters that think their core is anything less stupid.

I guess it makes a lot more sense than it does at first glance. Think about it. Auto-tuning is really just a way to make it sound like you're singing underwater, and I'm no marine biologist, but crabs definitely like water. Your typical metalcore riff also wouldn't require much more than crab-like appendages to play on a guitar. Obviously there must be a deeper meaning to all of this, that an outsider like myself wouldn't understand...


A solid heavy metal guitar playing stance is with your legs spread evenly and bent at the knees slightly; your feet planted firmly, your axe slung low, your back straight, and your head banging. It's simple, yet effective. The more stationary you remain, the harder you look. A strong stand and a mean scowl will get you more respect in the metal community than prancing or bouncing around like a jackass ever would.  

The crab dance of modern day suck rock is like the 'nu-metal hunch over' of the 90's. What will terrible music think of next?

10 comments:

  1. I knew I'd see crabcore on here.

    Time for open-string breakdown:

    Dun, dun dun WEEEE
    Dun, dun dun WEEEE

    ReplyDelete
  2. ive seen the bands mentioned above. the only on that does this is attack attack. just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Enjoy the taste of being wrong Kevin. It's probably a pretty old sour flavor:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDgbYF48UPw

    just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "This video is not available in your country" Go figure!

    But I've seen Metallica guitarist jumping around like a frog on stage :-P

    ReplyDelete
  5. ahh i see. my bad. idk if thats exactly crabcore though. i think its just for visual effect like synchronized head banging. ect

    ReplyDelete
  6. The only band worthy of a crab walk is Immortal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell yeah, abbath is the one who invented it.

      Delete
    2. Johann von der Scheide7/24/2012 12:51 PM

      he walks like that because of his giant balls.

      Delete
  7. I watched that video on mute while listening to "The Curse of FĂ«anor" by Blind Guardian and it actually matched up pretty well, other violations notwithstanding...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hilarious... Though I must say, black metal is just as chuckle inspiring to me. I'm sorry but I can just look at a photo of immortal and I'm in stitches.

    ReplyDelete

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.