Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Baseball Caps

Everyone else in this photo looks fucking brutal, save for Baseball Hats McFalse up there.

As far as I'm concerned, baseball caps belong on three kinds of people: baseball players, baseball fans, and douchebags. It's totally possible (and common) for an individual to be all of these things at once. With the exception of football pads decorated with spikes, sportswear has no place in a heavy metal act.

Rockabilia.com and many other band merch outlets have a section dedicated specifically to headwear. I want you to go to your absolute favorite website for ordering rock gear and locate this section. Now that you know where it is, don't ever fucking click on it. Ever. Don't even browse it, everything in it looks stupid and is going to look stupid on you. A baseball hat covered in flaming skulls and a Pantera logo looks as lame and out of place in a band photo as any Yankees hat ever could. Baseball hats are a frumpy, lazy way to get out of combing what should be your illustrious locks of awesome.

Don't believe me? Think good and hard about what Nergal from Behemoth's favorite hat looks like. No luck? That's because all you can think about is his cancer-ridden gnarly ass hairstyle that you would acquire cancer to get. Speaking of which, if your reasoning for cap-wearing is because you are going bald, do not fret. You have two options to remain Metal: pull a Devin Townsend and look like you're old and insane (circa 2008), or pull a Devin Townsend and shave it clean off (circa 2009).

Heavy metal has 3 hairstyles: long, bald, and drummer. Drummers willing to play metal with you are so hard to come by that you're going to have to live with whatever they look like. Regardless, neither of these hairstyles are meant to be covered up by your smelly bro hat. It's not a college course you're running late for, it's a band photo or it's a gig. Buy some shampoo and a comb you dirty scum rat.  


  1. um rockabilia also has hats you can make into flip brim ,like i did with my slayer hat...

  2. James Thomson11/05/2011 7:10 PM

    Trucker caps are acceptable though: see Clutch.

  3. FLIP BRIM! That's the only acceptable metal hat. or one of those toques with the idiot flaps. these things: http://www.carandcamping.co.uk/shop/images/uploads/A221.jpg

  4. What a pointless thing to be angry about. Another metal blog article trying to sell the APPROPRIATE way to look metal. And come on, that guy looks ridiculous in a baseball hat from the outset. Not really a fair picture to attach to this tirade of sorts.

  5. FUCK THE HATS. now we have 59/50

  6. What next, patches = not metal?

    Jesus Christ. Stop basing your entire life off a genre of music, you childish fucks. At least with emo/scene fags they grow out of it when they hit like 20. You however base everything you do with metal then bitch about stuff that you consider "Not metal" Or "untrve" because you are nothing but a stupid neck-beard fuck who never grew up. So shut your fucking mouth and get a life, faggot.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.