Monday, November 29, 2010

Mosh Pit Karate Kids


Despite the phrase "war metal" being thrown around at the beginning of this video, (which keep in mind, is not made for little bitches, but in fact, vendettas) there is not a single metal activity going on in the entirety of this footage. Study it carefully, then refrain from ever doing any of it at an actual metal show, unless you want to get either thrown out, or a thorough ass kicking.

Several months ago I attended a 100 Demons show with my younger brother. From where I stood from the stage; a sea of baseball hats, wife beaters, and bandannas lay before me at about chest level. The crowd was filled with bad tattoos, napoleon complexes, ears mutilated with hockey puck-sized gauges, and this bizarre organized crime mentality, without any real criminals. I knew coming in that this wasn't even remotely my scene. I stood out like a big, fat, sore thumb and the only thing I could do was stand around with my arms crossed and silently judge while I was undoubtedly being judged harder.

A single hardcore (HxC) kid on his own is hardly intimidating, but when you are face to face with an ocean of Axe body spray that immense, you're not going to start beef in their territory. Especially due to the fact that their style of mosh pits is singling each other out, punching each other in the face, and kicking each other square in the testicles, with a sort of pseudo karate style flair . Back in grammar school, I used to have a word for that: it was called "fighting". 

To them however, it's only moshing, and despite the fact that they look you square in the eye, walk right up to you, and deliver a flying Nike to your mouth, you're not supposed to take it personally. If you retaliate, you're the one who's going to get thrown out. After 100 Demons powered through their entire discography in a 12-minute set, we all went home at like 9:30, because I guess HxC kids need to wake up in time for the school bus.

So here's the moral of this story: I didn't go to their venue, attempt circle pits, start shoving people and ping-ponging around, yet why do they find it necessary to come into our world and start Jackie Channing up our pit? There's always at least one in every show, and it is your duty as a heavy metal venue patron to remind him where he is. Here are some effective ways to neutralize the scene kid dancer ruining your good mood:

1. Cordially introduce him to the floor. Chances are at typical scenester height, he's not far from it anyway, and he can't be anywhere over 140 pounds. Kiss the concrete, Jet Li.  

2. Mock him. Do the 'macarena' in front of him. The more grizzled and metal you look, the greater the comedic effect, and therefore the more upset he will be. 

3. Taste of his own medicine. If you're wearing steel-toed leather boots like a true metal warrior, an 'unintentional' delivery to the groin will ensure that the rest of your night will be HxC free. If below the belt isn't in your honor system, then an ol' fashioned windmill to the back of his tiny cranium should get the message across. 

4. Sumo Sandwich. This may be the most difficult to pull off, as it will require collaborating with another massive metalhead or group of metalheads during a deafening metal performance. You might have to play a bit of charades to make it happen, but basically, what you'll want to do is align yourself with a partner or partners on opposite sides of the pit's rim, while Tony Jaa continues his martial arts antics in the center, oblivious to the glorious gut check he is about to receive. On a countdown of three, you'll both run towards your victim at blistering speed, meeting him on either side with the full brunt of your massive torsos, crushing his tiny body into another dimension of pain and oblivion. 

Normally, I don't condone singling people out in a mosh pit. Heavy metal is about brotherhood. We're a family, and a mosh pit is not designed to intentionally hurt anyone, but as a satisfying outlet for our aggression. It is a primal reaction to the intensity of some of our favorite music. Should you fall, a wave of hands will be there to put you back on your feet, and pat you on the back. If you get hurt badly, it wasn't a deliberate act, but a rogue head bang or elbow thrust that just caught you in the mess of things. That's the risk you take entering a pit, we all know and understand that. But all of that scene kid fist swinging and spin kicking is pure jackassery. If someone is in your mosh pit, putting your metal brethren at unnecessary risk, it is your family obligation to put them down. Period.

I'm not going to trash you for how you fairies throw around your Chuck Taylors at your own dojo, but the moment you bring that shit to my temple, you're painting a giant bullseye on your back, and I can not and will not guarantee your safety. If you like both types of music, adjust your behavior accordingly from show to show. It's not rocket science. 



Better keep working on your crane style. You're gonna need it when I find you at Amon Amarth.