Monday, November 29, 2010

Mosh Pit Karate Kids

Despite the phrase "war metal" being thrown around at the beginning of this video, (which keep in mind, is not made for little bitches, but in fact, vendettas) there is not a single metal activity going on in the entirety of this footage. Study it carefully, then refrain from ever doing any of it at an actual metal show, unless you want to get either thrown out, or a thorough ass kicking.

Several months ago I attended a 100 Demons show with my younger brother. From where I stood from the stage; a sea of baseball hats, wife beaters, and bandannas lay before me at about chest level. The crowd was filled with bad tattoos, napoleon complexes, ears mutilated with hockey puck-sized gauges, and this bizarre organized crime mentality, without any real criminals. I knew coming in that this wasn't even remotely my scene. I stood out like a big, fat, sore thumb and the only thing I could do was stand around with my arms crossed and silently judge while I was undoubtedly being judged harder.

A single hardcore (HxC) kid on his own is hardly intimidating, but when you are face to face with an ocean of Axe body spray that immense, you're not going to start beef in their territory. Especially due to the fact that their style of mosh pits is singling each other out, punching each other in the face, and kicking each other square in the testicles, with a sort of pseudo karate style flair . Back in grammar school, I used to have a word for that: it was called "fighting". 

To them however, it's only moshing, and despite the fact that they look you square in the eye, walk right up to you, and deliver a flying Nike to your mouth, you're not supposed to take it personally. If you retaliate, you're the one who's going to get thrown out. After 100 Demons powered through their entire discography in a 12-minute set, we all went home at like 9:30, because I guess HxC kids need to wake up in time for the school bus.

So here's the moral of this story: I didn't go to their venue, attempt circle pits, start shoving people and ping-ponging around, yet why do they find it necessary to come into our world and start Jackie Channing up our pit? There's always at least one in every show, and it is your duty as a heavy metal venue patron to remind him where he is. Here are some effective ways to neutralize the scene kid dancer ruining your good mood:

1. Cordially introduce him to the floor. Chances are at typical scenester height, he's not far from it anyway, and he can't be anywhere over 140 pounds. Kiss the concrete, Jet Li.  

2. Mock him. Do the 'macarena' in front of him. The more grizzled and metal you look, the greater the comedic effect, and therefore the more upset he will be. 

3. Taste of his own medicine. If you're wearing steel-toed leather boots like a true metal warrior, an 'unintentional' delivery to the groin will ensure that the rest of your night will be HxC free. If below the belt isn't in your honor system, then an ol' fashioned windmill to the back of his tiny cranium should get the message across. 

4. Sumo Sandwich. This may be the most difficult to pull off, as it will require collaborating with another massive metalhead or group of metalheads during a deafening metal performance. You might have to play a bit of charades to make it happen, but basically, what you'll want to do is align yourself with a partner or partners on opposite sides of the pit's rim, while Tony Jaa continues his martial arts antics in the center, oblivious to the glorious gut check he is about to receive. On a countdown of three, you'll both run towards your victim at blistering speed, meeting him on either side with the full brunt of your massive torsos, crushing his tiny body into another dimension of pain and oblivion. 

Normally, I don't condone singling people out in a mosh pit. Heavy metal is about brotherhood. We're a family, and a mosh pit is not designed to intentionally hurt anyone, but as a satisfying outlet for our aggression. It is a primal reaction to the intensity of some of our favorite music. Should you fall, a wave of hands will be there to put you back on your feet, and pat you on the back. If you get hurt badly, it wasn't a deliberate act, but a rogue head bang or elbow thrust that just caught you in the mess of things. That's the risk you take entering a pit, we all know and understand that. But all of that scene kid fist swinging and spin kicking is pure jackassery. If someone is in your mosh pit, putting your metal brethren at unnecessary risk, it is your family obligation to put them down. Period.

I'm not going to trash you for how you fairies throw around your Chuck Taylors at your own dojo, but the moment you bring that shit to my temple, you're painting a giant bullseye on your back, and I can not and will not guarantee your safety. If you like both types of music, adjust your behavior accordingly from show to show. It's not rocket science. 

Better keep working on your crane style. You're gonna need it when I find you at Amon Amarth.


  1. Accurate and hilarious as always.

  2. Congratulations on the one and only comment ever.

  3. while the people in this video are taking it to the extreme most of the time its not like this. Usually there are a good group of HxC kids, and they have their own pit. And while I'm not exactly one of them when I do step in the HxC pit I dont "single out" other people in the pit. Usually I just throw down during the break down, have some fun and then back out. For me its not like I have some vendetta against everyone I see in the pit. Its just fun, you know.

  4. So fucking true. Those fuckers send fists straight at your faces. I have never seen any HxC kids pick up a fallen "mosher", like I have at real metal concerts. At a Marduk show, a kid lost his fucking glasses in the pit, and everyone helped him find them. At a hardcore show, they'd look for the glasses, smash them, and kick the kid in the fucking nads. I have never seen bigger douchebags than the HxC kids in a metal pit. Fuck 'em.

  5. A great taunt is pulling some of Ryu's (Street Fighter) famous moves. SHORYUKEN!!

  6. I do the Macarena at most metal shows anyway, but it'd be nice to have it become synonymous with a duel challenge. Trve as fuck, y'all.

  7. finnally something i can agree with you on. the last thing anyone wants is another trip to hospital (the list of incidents of my own are more than 12!!!) im shit at fighting, ill admit that. but i dont see anything wrong with hxc dancing if your in a metre radius of fellow fans cus then no ones getting hurt and its all good.

  8. I'm glad that we can "finnally" agree on something, like how you can't fight and all. As I've covered before, your dad put you in the hospital those 12 times, because he's a drunken asshole. Perhaps he just couldn't handle having a gay son? Just speculating.

  9. If you like both types of music, adjust your behavior accordingly from show to show. It's not rocket science. this comment. thank you. holy shit.

  10. Jackie Chan up in my pit, hahahaha. One of these bastards was really doing his spin kicks (impressive too) once and cleaning house, i rarely mosh, but my 6' 200lb frame had to get in that shit and take the mofo with the white collared shirt and k-swiss out!

  11. Dude i fucking hate these little wannabe ninja shitlets!!!!

  12. The Horrific Headbanger6/19/2011 7:50 AM

    Brenocide is quite a troll indeed.

  13. A friend I used to look up to as a metalhead I could learn from talked about the following:

    - "I wanna get tattoo sleeves. so badass."
    - "i wanna learn how to do true new york hardcore. karate so badass."
    - "i love hardcore."

    Looks like a dumbass to me now. whoops.
    (I am by no means metal, I'm listening to industrial shit metal right now but I like it. Anyone wanna recommend some bands I can get into that are actually metal?)

  14. This is still one of my favourite articles, because it's simple and tells you to grow a pair and defend your genre.

  15. Last encounter I had was with this small framed girl tossing elbows around by herself. I shoved her away from me once but she ended up right next to me again. After an elbow finally hit me, rage mode was triggered and every bit of adrenaline pumping in me was used to shove this shit queen, practically into the air, all the way across the pit to the other side of the venue. Much lols were had as I didn't see her again.

  16. I would like to share with you one of those glorious über metal moments in life: I was at a 12 band festival in Osaka, Japan and one little karate kid was making a pain in the arse out of himself to everyone. About six bands in I conspired with two other Aussie chicks I met there, we lifted the little shit out of the pit with all of our combined lady power, emptied three cans of Asahi over the little dickhead and then dropped him on his head. It was not only mortifying for him because he got called on his inappropriate and shitty behaviour, but he got BODY SLAMMED by a pack of GIRLS. Emasculation - Australian style.

  17. James Thomson11/05/2011 10:30 PM

    I did the macarena with my massively grizzled, bearded mate at a gig full of these bloody karate kids. That's sort of our thing, we do the macarena at local gigs just because it's a laugh. Did it at one of those gigs though and some lumbering great fatass with six chins, a Hitler youth haircut and a flannel shirt buttoned up to the neck came and grabbed us by the collars and dragged us to the side of the room, then started his fatass karate routine. Stupid shits. Problem was it was their turf so there was little we could do. I'm not one to try to anger a room full of lanky hardcore kids who are all basically too angry from whatever combination of bacon, weed and beer deprivation from being stuck-up self-righteous straight edge vegans or parents who don't love them. I mean, they may be complete twats, but they're more than likely to kick my head in. Had it been on our turf we'd have just humiliated them mercilessly. Like that one time some preppy wanker kicked me in the chest with his karate kid moves and we all just grabbed him and pressed him against the conveniently low ceiling until he started whimpering like a little girl.

    epic shirt about this.

  19. This should be laminated and duct taped to the wall. I have yet to see anyone doing the macarena at a show, but I did once see some good Irish stepdancing in Cleveland.

  20. WestMidzWarriorz5/17/2012 12:02 PM

    Dont like it, dont go a hardcore show simple. You dont see people crowdkilling at iron maiden do you? We respect your shows, you respect ours. Dont go standing in the centre of the pit if you dont wanna get hurt.

    Oh and last time i checked, hate moshing usually gets sorted out by the crowd ie they get beaten down.

    Most people i see chatting shit about dancing and hardcore have probably been to a maximum of 2 hardcore shows.

    1. I've seen at least one of you queefs "crowdkilling" at every other death metal show I've been to. Why else would I even write this if it wasn't from personal experience?

  21. Deathcore/HxC kid here,
    The shit they are pulling would BARLEY be tolerated at a HxC show.
    Throwing down is so much fun and every now and again people get hit, its the same as moshing your all moving about in a small space it happens. Atleast where i come from and surrounding areas it is never ment to hit someone, it happens and we know that but anyone who does it on purpose is bitched about inseintly for the rest of the show.

    Also yes, Throwing down at a death metal show makes about as much sense as doing it at a hannah montan concert, different genres different rules.

  22. I suppose now it would be acceptable to do the Gangnam Style dance at hardcore I wanna try that

  23. I'm just gonna leave this comment here for historical purposes. Godspeed Jack.


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