There's so much talk in your typical metalhead's album review. Going on and on about each track and the mood of the album and how it compares to their previous work and just constant, analytical dissection. The only dissection that matters to me is the one where the lead singer killed himself for Satan. At least that's what he claims in his suicide note. I'm pretty sure we all know he did it because his last album was radio rock. Yeah, I said it.
Enough with the paragraphs and paragraphs of album reviews already. This is the age of streaming. I don't need to read an in-depth critique someone has of an album when I can just go listen to it myself for free somewhere and figure out it sucks in 4 minutes. I don't need some thick rimmer in a hoodie on his Mac to help me decide what album to listen to in a nine paragraph essay. I have my own hoodie and glasses, thank you very much. I can't afford a Mac because I'm too underground, and I don't have time to write nine paragraph essays about metal albums because I'm too busy writing fifty paragraph essays about how everyone should act at shows.
Veil of Maya - Matriarch
Everyone who's into Veil of Maya got really mad about how VoM has a new vocalist who sings typical good cop/bad cop metalcore circa 2004 vocals in this new album. They should instead be angry with themselves for getting into VoM in the first place.
2/5 But hey, if you like Periphery... then stop that too.
Nekrogoblikon - Heavy Meta
It's kind of tragic really. I was looking forward to this album ever since I heard Nekrogoblikon started working on it. With all the wait, and all the hype, I so very badly wanted to enjoy this album, and then I did. Too much. The absolute worst thing about this album is that I didn't hear it sooner in some sort of prophetic vision during my darkest nightmares and had to wait until it was actually released. Buy it with what little money you have, you fucking idiot. Stop reading this and buy it. Steal the money from your mom's purse if you don't have it. I mean look at all those 20's in there, she won't notice. Do it, you pussy. Don't you want to be metal? If you pay for this album, I will take back all those times I called you a poseur. Seriously. You will be the only other person who managed to be true metal alongside me. It's gonna be sick. Together, we can rule the galaxy as father and poseur. I had you going there for a second. You will always be a poseur, don't you ever forget that. Buy it anyway, poseur: https://www.districtlines.com/Nekrogoblikon
5/5 Because the band that's just kidding on this list still makes way better music than the bands that aren't.
Skinless - Only The Ruthless Remain
Skinless is a death metal band.
3/5 Consequently, this was a death metal album. Could always use more of those.
Leprous - Congregation
If you're not familiar with the band Leprous, then this album is as good a place as any for you to get yourself started. They're metal. They're from Norway. What more do you need? Obviously, you black metal kids are really gonna like it.
4/5 TRV KVLT GRIM SATANIC AND FROSTBITTEN I PROMISE
Paradise Lost - The Plague Within
Much like every other Paradise Lost album, this one's a day brightener.
3/5 Doom metal with haunting melodies, but you already knew that.
Kamelot - Haven
2/5 Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. You deserve equal rights just like everyone else.
Faith No More - Sol Invictus
2/5 It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright. It's so groovy, it's out of sight.
Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! - Get Lost, Find Yourself
I am going to start a petition to change the genre title of "easycore" to "softcore". Firstly, because "soft" is the proper antonym to the "hard" in the phrase "hardcore", since it is in reference to toughness, not difficulty. But mainly, because having to sit through this happy-go-lucky garbage is the musical equivalent of trying to wank it to Cinemax while the camera keeps zooming in on rippling dude ass.
1/5 Dude ass.
Gorgoroth - Instinctus Bestialis
I dunno. What could I tell you in order to convince you that I listened to this whole album and cared enough to form a well-rounded opinion about it? How about we say it's more of a Gorgoroth album than the last Gorgoroth album? It's more gooder? It's consistent. How about I say it's a solid return to form while still bringing a fresh new take to the band's sound? Maybe I heard something you didn't and that's just how I perceived it. That sounds good.
3/5 That seems like an inoffensive score that won't raise any questions.
I dunno. What could I tell you in order to convince you that I listened to this whole album and cared enough to form a well-rounded opinion about it? How about we say it's more of a Gorgoroth album than the last Gorgoroth album? It's more gooder? It's consistent. How about I say it's a solid return to form while still bringing a fresh new take to the band's sound? Maybe I heard something you didn't and that's just how I perceived it. That sounds good.
3/5 That seems like an inoffensive score that won't raise any questions.
We Butter the Bread with Butter - Wieder Geil
Oh god, full blast diarrhea right in my ears. You don't have to speak German to know every lyric is the dumbest thing ever said. This album can leck mich im arsch. Three songs in and it was a chore deciding not to fucking kill myself.
1/5 Scheiße
Oh god, full blast diarrhea right in my ears. You don't have to speak German to know every lyric is the dumbest thing ever said. This album can leck mich im arsch. Three songs in and it was a chore deciding not to fucking kill myself.
1/5 Scheiße
Feared - Synder
Ola Englund is a kick ass guitarist that I greatly respect. As a budding gear head, I follow him religiously on all forms of social media. It makes it that much harder for me to admit that in his extensive resume of metal bands, there isn't a single one that I enjoy listening to. Unfortunately, the band Feared is no exception. Synder is an album of such baseline modern metal, that even though it does everything right, I can't recommend it at all. This album, like all of Feared's music, is so aggro, so well mixed, so full blown thrash riffage and occasionally melodic and harshly vocalized, so chugga chugga widdly widdly. It's such standard post-aughts metal that it doesn't take any brains to be a metalhead who's into it. Each track just blended into the next one as I was listening. Before I knew it, the album was half over and I was already checked out. This is the kind of stuff that frequently ends up dominating the airwaves of SirusXM Liquid Metal, college radio metal hours, and cable TV metal music playlists. It's like the Nickelback of the metal genre. It's too easy and there's too much. Enough already. Can we call this the last album of its kind? Haven't we sold enough camouflage shorts and chain wallets?
2/5 GRAAAH METUL IS TUFF
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2/5 GRAAAH METUL IS TUFF
Want me to review your album for next month's quick reviews? Send me a message on Facebook, or better yet, email me a link with your band page to breakupalready@yourbandisderivative.com
