Thursday, April 2, 2015

How to Be A Guitarist on the Internet who's not an Asshole: Part 4 of 7

4. Accept that Floyd Roses are Unequivocally Total Bullshit    

People are gonna sound off about this, so here's the disclaimer to preface this: Fuck you. 

The final judgement rests. The verdict is clear. Floyd Roses, or floating tremolo systems of any sort. are absolute hot rancid, guitar cheapening garbage and not even sort of, kind of, maybe a little, slightly, even remotely worth the extreme eye-fucking misery associated with your guitar being cursed with one. What a horrifying shit show these little bastards put you through for such a basic, lame, wanky fucking gimmick of a sound effect. I've never heard a guitar solo on a hard tail instrument that left me wanting for some fake motorcycle engine revs or dive bombs. And let's not forget to mention that those same smug, tobacco-slurping, blue collar, Mr. Handy chumps love to champion themselves as people who don't see FR's as "such a big deal" because they had the time and complete unemployment to train with sage monks atop a Himalayan peak for 11 years to master the art of stringing and tuning a guitar with this torture device attached to it. 

Do you like changing the tuning on your guitar to try to learn different songs? Sorry, guess again Brodo Baggins. Not fucking today you don't. Unless you want to crank away with an allen wrench to the point of rheumatoid arthritis. Want to sound like Dimebag with a long sick wail? Hey yeah, that sounded way sick. Too bad even with the most premium, sufficiently "locked" trem system, you just whammy barred your guitar into complete, non-tuned oblivion. Better grab your allen wrench again. Oh, I see, that's what those fine tuners on the bridge are for? Thank the lord, because this bitch is gonna fall out of tune because you let a fart out in your bedroom again, and the guitar heard it and got startled.

The reason they call it a "hex" key, is because those who named it, knew that you were gonna need one for your Floyd Rose, and Floyd Roses are a fucking curse.

Case in point: I found a 9 minute video on how to change strings on a floating trem bridge on YouTube. I thought that was pretty long for a video just about changing strings -- but oh wait --  it's only part one -- of a goddamn four part series.

Enough already.

They're not worth it. Let everybody just agree that they're not worth it. Please. Let's make our stand here and now so guitar manufacturers can stop obliviously ruining what were once perfectly good pieces of tone wood, previously full of potential, only to have it all squandered. Tragically, tragically squandered. Making the case for trem systems is like making the case for a sexual assault suspect. You're immediately an asshole for even trying. Or a defense lawyer. (See: still an asshole). 

It's a relic from a forgotten time of irrelevant musical shredding and squealing and it needs to die with the rest of the 80's.

Holy shit... what am I saying?

Yeah, that just came from a metal elitist. It should really drive home how much I think Floyd Roses suck cold witch tits. It's criminal that they are so common. It's debauchery that finding fixed bridge instruments has become such a chore among a sea of whammy bar wanking bullshittery. I tend to believe this is a problem for me mainly because I shop guitars second hand. Everybody must be lining up to pawn off the life-altering error they had wasted their good money on. I am right. You are wrong. Fuck floating trems. Right in the face. I know this is very opinionated on my part, but I get to be an asshole too.

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