Quick Reviews: I Hated Metal Music in April 2015

I'm the blogger the metal scene deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Or ever, really. Oh you think metal is your ally? You merely adopted the metal. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see pop culture until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding.

Has it not been April for a while? Fuck you pissant, you wouldn't even know that if it didn't tell you what month it was on your glowy little, fingerprint crusted iPhone screen. Go check Twitter, you cunt. I'm so irrelevant, I quote Batman films two Batmans ago. As you are aware, being irrelevant is what true metal is all about. Speaking of things that aren't new anymore, did you guys check out that Bman V. Sman trailer? I'm not really so angry about the fact that Daredevil is playing Batman like everyone else, but I've always wondered why Hollywood is under the impression that they can only pick actors to play super heroes from a tightly knit group of like 11 dudes. The fuck is up with that? Why get Johnny Storm to play Captain America, and then get Deadpool to play Green Lantern? It's fucking with my head. Even more than when they made that movie where Wolverine disagrees with Batman about magic tricks, so Wolverine goes to Ziggy Stardust for help. Everything's all out of order, and then there were two Batmans all along. Two Batmans fucking Black Widow behind Wolverine's back. Alfred was there too, with lots of sage Alfred advice about the whole thing. Shit's confusing.

Anyway, here's some randomly selected albums I didn't give much of a chance in April:

GRUESOME - Savage Land

Relapse Records is probably gonna remaster and rerelease this in 25 years too.

5/5 Because I'm pretty sure I just listened to Leprosy again instead. 




CENTAURO - Ciénagas del Engaño

No bueno.

2/5 porque la música era muy derivado


GIFTGIVER - Shitlife

I don't think "featuring Frankie Palmeri from Emmure" is anything to really proudly point out on your album. That's like saying "featuring Alex the driver for Domino's" as a vocal guest. Except people actually like Alex. Plus you should know what you're getting into when there's basketball shorts right on the cover.

1/5 Shitmusic


WILDERUN - Sleep At the Edge of The Earth

This album is a perfect pair of pale, white, big, pillowy, corset squeezed folk metal tits. It's deep, melodic, majestic, epic, symphonic and there are mandolins and harps and flutes and sometimes drums and an electric guitar even. Buy it. Did you know the official Massachusetts state sandwich is peanut butter and fluff? That's like the worst fucking choice of official sandwich out of 50. The term "fluffernutter" has sometimes been used disparagingly to describe something that lacks substance and has minimal to no cultural value. Even though Sleep At The Edge of The Earth came out of Massachusetts, it's no fucking fluffernutter. Unless of course that's now a new slang term for some sort of dirty sexual move. Because this album made me come.

5/5 When I bought this album on bandcamp, Evan Berry personally e-mailed me to say thanks. Because he's a super ultra mega sweet dude who deserves every slurper he every received. Which if I know the chicks in Boston like I know the chicks in Boston, must be upwards of at least 321,643 times. That's the entire female population of Boston according to suburbanstats.org. I'm not even factoring in repeat pole smokers. You're fucking so welcome, Evan, you beautiful bastard. Hope you get another fluffer until you nutter. 

ABIOTIC - Casuistry 

I looked at the cover and I was like "yup, this is gonna be a tech death album". It was quite exactly a tech death album.

3/5 If you think tech death is great, you're gonna be amazed at how this is also exactly just as great as that.

ACID KING - Middle of Nowhere, Center of Everywhere

Acid King has always been one of those bands that you have to be ripped out of your mind to enjoy. Remember kids: You smoke, you overdrive, you lose. For people not familiar with Acid King, they are fronted by a badass lady named Lori S, who respectfully exists within the metal scene as a person who doesn't think shit like cleavage smooshing corsets are a necessity. You'd think that'd be something worth mentioning, but this is stoner metal, and as such, nothing is worth mention.

2/5 because getting blazed hasn't been a thing since my dealer transferred to a different junior high school.  

BOTANIST - Hammer of Botany

Botanist is the perfect post black metal to go with your vegan three bean quinoa salad. But seriously, pretty interesting, weird artsy stuff if you feel like something different. And by different of course, I mean not metal. CHANGE MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

3/5: Probably as metal as flowers and stuff are ever gonna get. 

SULPHUR AEON - Gateway to the Antisphere

I actually listened to this whole album and I think I liked it.

4/5 Seriously though, the whole thing. 


FROM FIRST TO LAST - Dead Trees

The moment I started listening to FFTL, I was like "oh great another fucking Periphery knockoff" until I realized that it was actually Spencer Sotelo performing vocals, and then I was like "oh great another fucking Periphery knockoff". The nu metal scene has become so chock-full of Periphery clones that now Periphery is copping Periphery. It's like Periphery Inception.

1/5 oh great another fucking Periphery knockoff.

MAGIC KINGDOM - Savage Requiem

I didn't listen to a second of this album before writing this. I just looked at the band name, album title and cover and guessed every note that was played and lyric that was sung.

4/5 Look, there's a dragon and a wizard and everything. 

SIGH - Graveward

Forget any artsy fartsy hipster kids doing whatever they think is wild and different with black metal. Sigh was always, and continues to be, the black metal king of just plain batshit froot loops fucking nuts.

4/5 You're gonna be like what the fuck, but in a good way. What the fuck, though... 


ENDLIGHT - The Treacherous Fall

This was really good you guys, really, good job.

0/5 I lied. Stop it. 



I realize of course, rating albums by number is full-blown retarded, but I have lost the will to even sorta kinda care. I might do this sort of thing once a month. Maybe. If, you know, the suicide hotline operator I'm about to call is on his game tonight.

-- Brenocide \,,/