How to Be A Guitarist on the Internet who's not an Asshole: Part 3 of 7

3. The Country on the Headstock Doesn't Matter     

Guitarists from the Internet can't help but universally laud American-made equipment. Well, American guitarists can't help but universally laud American-made equipment. Here in the Universal States of America.

Every major guitar brand these days has both of the following: First, there's the "real deal" guitar, made by the company, right in the company's country of origin. Guitars that are big-ticket items; instruments that are superbly cut, given a perfect set up, go through meticulous quality control, were installed with top-notch parts/pickups, and of course, achieve orgasmic tone. All these bits of instrumental perfection are automatically assumed, at least, due to the fact that the people putting them together are much better paid, and get to go to bed at night with a much fuller belly. Then there's that other kind you can get from the company -- the sub-brand that's callously thrown together with unwashed hands, somewhere far away, in a country that isn't a complete economic powerhouse. It's the toy version that's played only by total newbies who don't know/care about an instrument's quality. Either that, or by the peons who can't afford it.

I'm speaking of course about the Epiphone to the Gibson. The Squier to the Fender. The SE to the PRS, the LTD to the ESP. The Sterling to the Music Man. The Schecter "Diamond" to the Schecter "Custom".

The Ibanez to the... um... other Ibanez?

Not every guitarist can afford the best a company has to offer from their premium selection, let alone have one custom built for them; so a lot of mass guitar production is outsourced to countries like South Korea, Indonesia, India, Mexico, and China, to provide a budget version of these instruments that are more affordable and widely available for players who aren't totally swimming in dough.

So due to this "Made In" divide, we find the online guitar community split into a social class-based system; where the vagabonds are left to noodle on their inferior, outsourced production models, while the privileged soar to greater musical heights with their premium, customized, home country, hand-crafted pieces. (Guess which class you'll find more assholes.)

Guess.

Sorry to say, the overall concept of "Made In USA" quality in guitar production, is more often than not, complete artificial bullshit. Artificial bullshit perpetuated by assholes to get you to spend way more money on an otherwise comparable product.

Yes, I realize that the "real deal" class of guitar are at least in some way generally better. The companies that produce these instruments do indeed put special focus on the instruments that they put out with their true name sake. They have to, I mean, look at the fucking price on some these things. In the case of Squier versus Fender, I'll secede there is a sorely obvious difference between the two brands. However, you're mostly going to find that the difference in quality between the home-team premium product and the overseas equivalent is typically found only in the minute details. Things like how the wood and neck are finished, how the edges are precision cut, how the electronics are carefully soldered, how the frets are leveled and how the instrument is carefully set up to play in factory. This sort of stuff is more than enough for many guitarists to pay the much higher price, but just like with the solid state vs. tubes argument; cheaper doesn't always necessarily mean worse.

Feh! Look at him playing his Schecter Hellraiser, because he hates our freedom.

You will indeed see a lot of overseas production models with inferior hardware and electronics in order to cut corners for much a cheaper product. That's what you're gonna get with guitars that are typically less than $500-600 new; guitars built for people just trying to learn on something that makes noise when its plugged in. However, the main reason LTD guitars are generally cheaper than ESPs, is because one is built by Korean factory workers who can legally be paid much less than Japanese factory workers, and that's really the bottom line. Upon close inspection and comparison, you're gonna find that an LTD-Deluxe model is built with the same hardware, tonewood, pickups, and cut/finished exactly to the same spec as its much more expensive ESP counterpart. Maybe, I dunno, one mahogany on one side of the planet might be a better mahogany than the other mahogany, but shut the fuck up.

As many internet arguers will attest, the only thing that many of these assembly line, Asian-made models need is a little TLC in the form of a professional setup to match the playability of their higher-end counterparts. Remember that luthier we were talking about earlier that needs to feed his kids, too? Tonewood is tonewood. Pickups are pickups.

A solid body mahogany instrument with an EMG 81/85 humbucker set is not automatically better quality than another solid-body mahogany instrument with that same EMG 81/85 set just because one of the guys who slapped one of those together had a name you could pronounce.

Also, let's not pretend for a second that musical instruments put together right here in good ol' USA aren't capable of being complete ass. It's pretty much common knowledge in the world of musicians that Gibson's lowest end products, don't come close to the quality of Epiphone's highest end models. Yet they are both about the same price, if the Gibson is not more expensive, simply because the American-made one says "Gibson" on the headstock. A lot of guitarists will screw themselves out of an honestly better piece of a equipment, just because they don't want the stigma of playing the "sub-brand" guitar. That Gibson logo on the headstock makes you a player of status. That Epiphone on the headstock makes you a wannabe. 

Pictured above: 0 wannabes.

Even Gibson's ultra high-end "Custom" boutique models are getting a bad rap these days, due to the company's purportedly recent focus on efficiency of production, as opposed to careful quality control. Finally, let's not pretend that every Gibson doesn't come stock with shit tuners that you're gonna want to replace, and sticky, finished necks that you're gonna want to sand down, and frets that you're gonna need to file. But hey, if you ever need to give in to that meth habit of yours, at least you'll get back what you bought it for!

Let's all admit, a $600 ax from Schecter's Korean plant is going to sound way better and play way better music in the hands of some young, scrappy, hard-practiced shredder with his Peavey Vypyr combo, than any $6,000 PRS doomed to an inevitable existence of clean dad chords through a Mesa Boogie Lone Star and sitting in a lighted glass case in a finished basement somewhere.

Don't worry about the brand. Don't worry about the price. Don't worry about the name on the headstock. Don't worry about the country on the headstock.

Does it sound good? Does it play good? Does it feel good? Does it look good? Is it good for the music you want to play, or versatile enough to play whatever?

Then it's a fucking Carvin, dude!

How to Be A Guitarist on the Internet who's not an Asshole: Part 2 of 7

2. Just because you didn't buy one, doesn't make it the wrong choice.

Every generation of video game consoles, it's the same story: Nerdy, sexless fanboys pile into internet message boards to claim that the console they spent all their hard earned money on, whether it be from Sony, Microsoft or Nintendo, is the very best one, and the reasons why are clear. Oh, and also anybody who went a different route than they did is a complete retard who is incapable of proper use of a spoon, let alone a well educated purchasing decision. The same exact sort of low-level, congress of baboons debate rages on in guitar forums; except instead of Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo, we have to hear about who got the very best piece of equipment from Gibson, Fender or PRS. Or Ibanez. Or Schecter. Or ESP. Or Jackson. Or Washburn. Or Dean. Or even Carvin if your father never told you he loved you.

Or EMG or Seymour Duncan or DiMarzio...

... or Elixer, or D'Addario or Ernie Ball Slinky...

... ... or Peavey, or Marshall, or Orange, or ENGL, or Randall... ...

This sort of thinking is most commonly witnessed among pick up truck drivers out and about wasting the world's precious oil reserves on American highways. Ever drive behind someone in a Dodge Ram with a white trash bumper sticker of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes pissing on the Ford logo? You'll also see the same thing vice versa, of course. Bootleg Calvin doesn't care, he pisses on everything. It's just simple human psychology. When someone spends a relatively large amount of money on something, they typically do extensive research before acquiring said item, to make sure that they pick the very best one among all the available choices. We are all dangerously confident in our intelligence when making these sorts of personal choices. It's narcissism run amok. To each one of us, if it wasn't the absolute very best, correct choice, we wouldn't drop that kind of money on something. So none of us can possibly wrap our head around why other people made the other choices. They must not have done their research. They must not know quality when they see it. I should go log in to a web forum regarding this subject so I can tell all the Tundra drivers what a bunch of shameless fucking traitors they are for getting the Tundra instead of the Silverado. Don't they care about apple pies and eagles and the troops and our freedom?

The major brand debate among guitarists gets a little more hairy than it would with other subjects of interest, given the insanely wide variety of options available to players. Things only get more complicated considering the fact that one guitar from one brand will not sound or play anywhere near the same as a different guitar model from the same brand. Hell, even the same exact model will play and sound differently, depending on how much focus was put on one's quality control over the other, or what year or "generation" said model was produced. It's a game changer depending on whether you got a Gibson model before their "quality control went to complete shit", rather than after. But why does it even matter, when 40% of online guitarists agree that "all Gibbies are garbage anyway. They only sell themselves with a name these days." This sort of discussion then usually deteriorates to how "Fender's in the same boat" and then ultimately, of course, "get a Carvin".

No. Leave me alone, God damn it. I will never buy a Carvin. Carvins are hideous and played by goateed dads that wear necklaces and sunburns. They sound as basic as they look. And even if you customize your own personal gem for well over $2,000, it's gonna be a hard resell for $500 the second after you take it out of the fucking case. The only way to make any money off of a Carvin is to return it.

Because God knows where the thing has been.

Most of what I just shared about Carvin is something called an opinion (the resale value bit, sadly, is true). It's just my opinion, but it's the only thing that matters when it comes to any of this crap. If Carvins give you exactly the tone you're looking for and they are comfortable for you to play, then please, by all means, go forth and customize your Carvin to match your flaming bowler shirt. Sorry, look, I love that you love Carvins. Good for you. You have my blessing, you always will, just don't expect me to ever want one. On my worst day. Ever.

If you were ever curious about checking out a Gibson, or a Jackson, or a PRS, please, go to your local music shop and try each one of them and then some before buying anything. Don't waste your time with videos or reviews or message boards. Go grab each one and see how they feel, how they sound, how they play to you. Base your entire purchase decision on that concept alone. Don't let some walking mullet/mustache/fedora/saggy blue jeans combo quell your interest because he picked up a random Schecter once and it "felt like/sounded like/played like" shit to his cheetosy fingers. You don't know him. He's just some asshole. He's an asshole because he's trying to use his personal taste and experience to warp the outcome of other people's lives. He's an asshole because he custom ordered a Carvin California Single Cut Carved Top guitar with a quilted maple top and he thinks that every other guitarist is wasting their time if they haven't done the same.

Trust this man.

Yes, okay, my new guitar happens to have a quilted maple top, but there are bigger things at stake here than who does, or does not have a quilted maple top, alright?

But if it's not a flame(--d maple top) war focused on what major brand to choose over another, it's how much better the real guitar is versus its overseas mass produced counterpart. Which will be discussed tomorrow in Part 3.

How to Be A Guitarist on the Internet who's not an Asshole: Part 1 of 7

This is you from the future, should you decide not to heed my warning.

It's March. This is important for two reasons. For one, as an Irish-American who lives in New England, nothing makes me check out harder than the way local mongoloids celebrate St. Patrick's Day. You're fucking Polish. Change out of that leprechaun shit and go home before you vomit green vodka shots all over your ugly face. I hope you flip your car.

Secondly, it's tax season. I got married late last year, so this year's cashwad was substantially larger for me than the last. (Thanks Obama, etc.) Seeing as how I'm a giant man baby who can't do anything responsible with a large sum of money, I decided to embark on the quest for a new ax at my local Guitar Center. Guitar Center, of course, being like the Grand Manbaby Congregation.

I knew from the get go that I wanted something way up there on the quality scale -- but only because I could afford it. Not because I have a playing ability worthy of a proper instrument. I don't. A walrus could shred more accurately with his giant dumb ass flippers than I ever could with my chubby, stiff paws at my highest concentration level. And I'm not even talking about some majestic wild beast of a walrus out in his natural arctic environment vying for dominance amongst his herd. I'm talking about some sickly, depressed, piece of shit Walrus who mucks about all alone in a dirty pool at Sea World in a pile of his own fish-laden filth. That's me. I am the shittier Walrus. 

Goo goo g'joob.

So why did I want to make this sudden leap to an expensive guitar? Because I need to practice. A lot. I wanted something that would guilt me into practicing. Something that would catch my eye every time I walked past it in my apartment. Something of such premium quality, that I couldn't cop out by blaming my piss-poor playing on a piss-poor instrument. What proceeded was weeks of tireless research before my tax refund would arrive. I watched countless YouTube videos, read gear reviews, compared prices, and worst of all, lurked on forums.

I am a Lead Singer, and Live Only for the Thrill of Combat

Rivers shall run red with the blood of hecklers this night.

The fuck you say to me?!  The fuck you just say?! Ok guys, stop playing stop playing.

WHOA WHOA WHOA Stop playing.

Stop. Stop.

GUYS GUYS GUYS. Guys. Stop playing. Okay. Stop. Okay. Stop playing. Jimmy, k stop.

Look, I know that the rest of you are professionals. And actually musicians. But your integrity as entertainers doesn’t even compare to the critical importance of me acknowledging this one person in all of the crowd, who has expressed an opinion of our music out loud that is something other than blind positivity within my ear shot. So stop playing for a second, alright? Thank you. This is truly worth halting our entire performance, of that much I can guarantee. I also reasonably expect you guys to back me up on this.