Some of you thought it proper to go ahead and question my true metalocity after I gave a positive review of an album I had a positive opinion of. While it may seem like an egregious error on my part to show any form of respect towards a melodic death metal band from American soil, I assure you that I have more metal surging through a single dick molecule than you have in your entire CD collection, or body and soul for that matter. Everything you know about pure-blooded, true heavy metal I could write on the back of my hand. My mitts are definitely beastly and massive enough to strangle any bear species of your choosing, so in respects to what I just said about what you know, I can write the words "FUCKING NOTHING" about as large as I could ever want. Maybe underneath that, I could squeeze in the name "Agalloch" somewhere. Depends on how much slack I'm willing to cut your poseur ass. Don't ever come up to me like you know me or I respect you and start talking to me about what is and isn't metal. Last time I checked, you don't make the fucking rules.
Then I see gems like this after I follow my traffic sources back to Reddit:
How is that odd, again? Either way, I felt pretty bad that horticultualist didn't think my website was worth any of his precious time. I put a minimal amount of effort into this blog, and if I fail to entertain someone, I always feel like I should be doing more. So in an effort to appease my current readers, as well as new ones such as horticultualist, I looked up what he's personally doing with himself that he considers so much more worthwhile (besides actively posting on Reddit):
1. Playing Starcraft.
2. Being fat.
Even if it is coming from the point of view of someone that's borderline retarded, if I smash my head against a concrete support beam just enough times, I can sort of start to see where you guys are coming from in your tirades against my page. I just don't feature enough true metal bands on my website. I'm so busy discussing bands that are controversially metal, or not metal in the least, that I forget that I'm completely neglecting the true metal bands that have nothing to really do with this site's theme at all. If it's not that sort of complaint, it's a complaint against how I spend all my time on here ripping apart bands instead of just writing about bands that I like. I can't tell you how many Chelsea Grin fans stumble upon that one Awful Video article months after I wrote it, and proceed to go on some bullshit rant about how Alex is a musical genius living out his dreams, while I am living in my mother's basement wishing I could pig squeal as good as him. I think it's about 5 now.
I pride myself on my unapologetic, stubborn nature, but I guess I wouldn't be doing this anymore if there weren't people to read it. Perhaps I should meet you guys half-way once in a while? Talk about bands I actually enjoy, as well as bands that are only true metal. So I decided to change my ways and be more positive! From here on out, I will only talk about true metal bands and bands that I like:
Accept: So Udo isn't their singer anymore, which I'm kind of bummed about, because he was a cool vocalist, even if he was really unfortunate looking. However, I think Tornillo is a good fit for them. I thought Blood of the Nations was a really great album, especially since they've been doing this for years, and they're now what would typically be a has-been age for a metal band. But not Accept! That album came out just last year and was still super fucking metal. Yeah, I liked the guitars, bass and the drums and lyrics and everything. It was pretty sweet. Wolf Hoffmann is a really awesome guitarist, and I think that's more because he seems like a cool guy and like he's good at guitar, and not so much because his first name is Wolf, which is awesome. Yeah, Accept are rad.
Dio: I was really sad when Ronnie James Dio died, because I really liked him in Elf, Rainbow, Black Sabbath, and oh yeah, Dio. I can't really pick a favorite Dio song, because they're all really good. Even the shitty Dio albums are a lot better than most band's "good albums". I'm just kidding, Dio had no shitty albums! He was Dio, dude. I guess if I had to pick my favorite Dio songs, I'd have to go through each one of his bands, and there were a lot of them, and each one was great. I like Mob Rules a lot. A lot of people might like other Black Sabbath songs more than that song with Dio, but I liked Mob Rules. It's just a matter of opinion, I guess. Holy Diver is still one of my top 10 favorite albums. I can't pick my favorite song from that album because the whole album is just so great!
Nile: These guys are crazy. Like everybody thinks that death metal is just blast beats and trem-picking, and Nile does that too, but they're also wicked technical. If you look at Nile guitar tablature and try to play it, you're gonna shit your pants, dude. Nile are awesome. I dunno, maybe their newer albums aren't the best in the world. I mean, they're all pretty good, but just not their best. I liked Black Seeds of Vengeance. That might not have been their best album either, like maybe that's not what critics say is the best Nile album, but I like it and I guess that's just my personal opinion. Just my taste, you know...
Grave Digger: Not to be confused with the monster truck, lol! Sorry, I'm just kidding. I think that Grave Digger are a pretty underrated power metal band. Yeah, underrated! I don't hear enough people just having discussions about Grave Digger. I think that maybe Boltendahl's voice turns a lot of people off of them, because it is pretty abrasive and harsh, but I like it a lot. It makes them stand out from other bands like them, and I think that's cool. Rebellion is a pretty epic song and music video to boot! I knew they had that big sort of glam-ish flop back in the 80's where they called themselves "Digger" and it was really dumb, but everybody makes mistakes. Just ask another great band, Celtic Frost! "Cold Lake", anyone? Hahaha! Just messing around, don't get mad, but it's just kind of funny is all. =P
Obituary: I think Obituary is fucking cool. I think John Tardy has the most recognizable voice in Death Metal and he seems like a totally rad guy, or at least he did because I kind of only listened to their 90's stuff a lot. Not to say that he's probably not still a rad guy and Obituary isn't still making great albums, but I just like their 90's stuff so much that it's really what I listen to. When they release their new upcoming album, I will totally review it on the page here and tell you guys all about how much I like it!
King of Asgard: EINHARJAAAR!!! I love that song so much. I was so pumped that InfidelAmsterdam started using that as one of his opening songs to his YouTube videos. Hopefully he really likes the band and isn't just using it because a really devoted fan made that intro for him, so he felt obligated to use it. But he seems like a really great guy, and would be honest with you about it if he didn't like it. But then again, maybe the fact that he's such a nice guy might be why he's using it when he might not actually even like it? You guys have to realize that Ed Veter doesn't even like Opeth. I mean, what's with that? I think Opeth are pretty good. I mean, I like Bloodbath a lot better, but I also like Opeth too. I guess it just depends on my mood. It's a matter of opinion I guess. I want to fucking drink beer with Infidel, and the guys from Opeth, and the guys from King of Asgard all at the same time, and I think after enough beer, Opeth will talk InfidelAmsterdam into liking them. That would be cool. All those dudes are really great, and I think we'd all be great friends.
So do you guys need me to keep going, or are you convinced that all of your ideas suck, and my web page is worth visiting because I don't waste my time playing hold-hands-metal club grab ass about what my favorite bands are? I'm here to talk shit about music that sucks and represent music you think sucks because you don't know anything. If you don't like it, delete me from your bookmarks and go read about metal on fucking Blabbermouth.
No Korn?! =0
ReplyDeleteGreat post as always. Funny thing is, I got a few new bands out of this. Thanks, Bren.
ReplyDeleteRaul's gonna be alllll over this one. Proving Brenocide's point exactly. If you can't read this blog and have a laugh then guess what, you just don't get the point, so lighten up or go do something else with your time. I for one enjoy it a lot, keep em coming dude.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that whatever your endeavor, Brenocide, you're going to piss people off. Just look at Anonymous right here ^. I am pleased to see that what you say does have an impact; well done.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I ask you to stop telling us what IS Metal. We come here to find True Metal Redemption and avoid things that aren't Metal, not to suck up to your musical preferences.
I'd prefer if you maybe posted like 1 metal band a week or something, along with all the anti-metal bullshit you're currently doing. This article was funny, but I'm basically just starting out with metal as I got into it about a year ago, and am still relatively new to the entire genre (I'm 16). I was shielded from it by my parents (derp), but eventually started watching Metalocalypse on TV. It's a funny ass show, and I thought to myself; "What is this awesome fucking music and why have I not been listening to this since I was old enough to wipe my own shitter?" So, needless to say, I got a few bands out of this review that I'm actually gonna add to my collection now, King of Asgard probably being the highlight. Also, anonymous is a butthurt little bitch.
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw Nile I was with a friend of mine. We were on the first row. While they were playing 4'th arra of Dagon Karl came right up to us and put his mic in our faces while we were screaming "ARRA ARRA ARRA DAGON DAGON DAGON", than started furiously headbanging with us. When the song ended he pointed at us and said we were some of the craziest fans he'd seen. Good times.
ReplyDeleteNile's from my hometown... Really the only good thing to ever come from here.
ReplyDeleteBut Brenocide, are you sure you actually wrote this article and didn't get RoCkStArBaSs100 to do it for you? I was definitely gettin' those vibes.
TRV AS FUCK
Brenocide, this sucked balls. Don't ever try to suck up to some weakass pussy starcraft-playing fat poseur, because it's terrible and gay. If you did posts like this all the time I wouldn't have read past the first alinea. Just do your own fucking thing cos we love it.
ReplyDeleteToxicWaltz likes telling bullshit stories about how kvlt he is. This one time a friend and me were in the front row of an Amon Amarth show and Johan Hegg grabbed me from the crowd, gave me some viking armor and a sword and I slayed a vicious dragon for him because he thought I looked meaner and tougher than him and we hang out every few months with the ghost of Dio and Oden and just talk metal. Shut the fuck up.
ReplyDeleteCyanide, you seem to be experiencing sharp anal pains and rectal swelling, causing faeces to come out of your mouth instead. These symptoms, often referred to as "butthurt", usually precede anal cancer. This type of cancer is most often caused by excessive amount of blunt objects entering the rectum, such as (but not limited to) penises, fists and loudspeakers playing sub-par metallica songs from their latest album. Some side effects include gelatin in the blood and being mad most of the time. You should seek medical help immediately and refrain from activities that could compromise your anal integrity. Anal cancer is not something to be taken lightly. Take care.
ReplyDeleteYou seem too be quite an expert in the field of men's assholes. Better not mess with you, looks like you know your way around a pooper, huh? I don't really know what "faeces" are, but it must be some kind of anal expert term that only professional shithole inspectors understand. Sounds like you're pretty butthurt though to type up an entire paragraph of bullshit over a troll comment. Shut the fuck up.
ReplyDeleteWell your posts speak for themselves. I now have an encyclopedic knoledge thanks to you. Also i'm done with your shitty trolling attempts. Cheers
ReplyDeleteActually I'll have to thank you, because I wasn't particularly looking forward to Wolf or Grave Digger as BOA but now I'm looking forward to that!
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm glad some of my encyclopedic "knoledge" brushed off on you. I don't know what part of my brain you acquired this "knoledge" from, evidently not from the spelling section. Oh well, at least you have a vast collection of "knoledge" on "faeces" to use against me, Mr. Toxicbawlz.
ReplyDeleteDude. Please never do this again. I liked you way better when you where still the close minded asshole you always was.
ReplyDeleteToxic, http://webservice.imagesauce.net/image/965/400x.jpg
ReplyDeleteCyanide, why don't you just shut up. No one cares about your opinion. Just read the things Brenocide posts and laught about is, or cry if that's your deal. If you have something useul to say (which I highly doubt), say it, or else shut up.
ReplyDeleteAlright Finn, you dumb motherfucker, did you even read my comments? I'm not sharing my opinion, I'm owning another retard like you. If you don't like it, why don't you just shut the fuck up and mind your own business. Take your own advice, no one cares about what you have to say either. Moron.
ReplyDeleteCyanide, calm down.
ReplyDelete"Intro-level metal"
ReplyDeleteFucking faggot. People who dismiss any metal less heavy than Slayer as inferior are morons. Probably tries to just listen to extreme music so he can seem scary to his classmates who make fun of him for playing Starcraft all day.
The writing on this is unlike anything I have seen you write before Brenocide. Please don't do it again?
ReplyDeletePersonally I wouldn't give two shits what anyone on Shreddit says about the website. Shreddit is one of the worst sites visually to visit not to mention the boorish, pompous dickholes that reside there.
ReplyDeleteLet's start a thread with a youtube vid or a Bmouth article and rate everyone's comment with a horns up or horns down. That's all that site is. So for this scrotum to sit there and expand in his seat and say TNM is a waste of time is pretty fucking laughable.
I would only use the bands you like to be an example to counter whatever the article's target is about. Otherwise you might as well turn your site into something like mine. And no one wants that:P
Oh shit, this site is turning into the let's-all-hold-hands-in-the-everybody-is-friends-metal-club.
ReplyDeleteDude, please don't turn into some open minded 'everyone has a different oppinion' douche.
ReplyDeleteGuys stop being so mean to me!
ReplyDeleteWow real funny. Using my name so I look stupid, but you know what, you are the one who looks stupid and also very immature. Go listen to your Bullet for my fag I time you fagggg! Homo!!!
ReplyDeleteI'll blow you if you like? Five dolla' sucky sucky. Ten dolla' fucky fucky. Give me bits of string and i'll love you long time.
ReplyDeleteWhy am I arguing with myself lols.
ReplyDeleteI dunno, but it's probably because Finn and Toxicbawllz are too big of pussies to actually counter my arguments or come up with anything to say back, so they impersonate me like they're being original.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree. I was being a dumb faggoty faggot jerking off to Harry Potter while applying lipstick to my scrotum before, so now I'm going to grow a pair of balls and respond for real like the metalhead I'm supposed to be. Oh wait, no I'm not because I'm a false pussy.
ReplyDeleteDamn this is retarded. Is it possible to automatically delete any comments made by Cyanide?
ReplyDeleteNope, go cry somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteCry on my lap while I finger you in the man hole.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I love Cleveland Steamers. Especially from the two hunks ToxicWaltz and Finn. I need one now. Pretty please?
ReplyDeleteI an a huge faggot please rape my face.
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with Andy Six.
ReplyDeleteSo to show us that you don't only listen to entry level metal....you post entry level metal. Except for Tygers. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW you listen to some good underground stuff that I've seen you reference in comments, but that's just it: you only seem to bring out your trve knowledge when you're being aggravated by someone like Raul in the comments section. Why not make a post about those kind of bands? The bands you mentioned here are good, but you could find out about Accept on VH1 for christ sake. The role you serve with this blog, like it or not, is as a teacher of what is metal. Behind all the satire, you reinforce the values and ideas that make metal what it is. At it's core, metal is uncompromising, unyielding. And yet this post itself is nothing but a compromise to those who have questioned you in the past(myself included). If you had taken this post as an opportunity to show the less experienced metal heads some good underground bands and maybe even give an elitist a few new bands, I think this post would have the effect you intended. Instead, it conveys your bitterness and resentment towards those who question you, much like an angsty teen telling the world to "fk off n don't juge me". I have faith in you Brenocide. Have faith in yourself. People like Horticulturalist aren't worth getting this mad over. Stick to what you do better than anyone (violations), and actually think about what the critics are trying to tell you.
ReplyDeleteAt your best, you speak the views of the elitist metal heads with more eloquence and clarity than anyone I've ever seen. You represent elitists to a growing fanbase that may or may not have ever met an experienced metal head. It should come as no surprise then that elitists are shocked and angry when you seem to compromise, not only because the act of compromise itself is not metal, but because it brings with it the fear that your teachings, so clear and true at times, will forever be diluted. Elitists fear that you'll give us a bad name, but more importantly that we could lose you as our voice. Nobody wants that.
I'm on my way Brenocide. Prepare yourself
ReplyDeleteLulz.
ReplyDeleteAnyone realize the whole "Well you know guize, everyone haz diff opinions, ya know?" Was all sarcasm?
ReplyDeleteThis blog started out funny and now it sounds like its being written by a 15 year old.
ReplyDelete"Amon Amarth is the best band everrr you ghuiz"
"OMG look what these posers said about mai blog"
"OMFGLOL BVB is soooo gay lol"
Everybody who is actually interested in metal music, just read Fenriz' blog instead.
"InfidelAmsterdam started using that as one of his opening songs to his YouTube videos. Hopefully he really likes the band and isn't just using it because a really devoted fan made that intro for him, so he felt obligated to use it."
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha.
rasmus has a great point... who cares about all the little bitches who try to talk shit around here? NO ONE. just keep the funny shit coming, bren.
ReplyDeleteOh fuck off on this entry level bullshit, Gideon. When I was big into punk, everyone recommended me these super underground bands with one 7" and you know what? They blew cock. If a band is mildly famous it doesn't mean that they're bad, it means that they were doing something well enough to get recognized. If you like shitty, unheard of metal, maybe it just means that you like shit. Sure there's times where someone is so advanced and on point that they just get passed over by the mainstream, but bands don't get popular by being shitty, they get shitty by being popular. Get it right and then fuck off with your preachy bullshit. Just remember that there were probably thrashers that thought death metal was gay, just like people from the 70's thought thrash was gay. Trends are inevitable, so figure out what's good and fuck off on your favorite band with one demo from 1994, because they never sold out. They also were never good.
ReplyDeletedid so many people really take all this seriously? sad...
ReplyDeleteWell said ApocaLips
ReplyDeleteJust thought I'd let you guys know, you're just as big and important as before you commented.
ReplyDeleteApocaLips is burrhurt because he listens to Pantera and Lamb of God. Honestly, metal demos and EPs don't get the respect they deserve. Go listen to the Cynic and Nihilist demos for some pretty killer shit from bands you know but probably haven't heard.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Brenocide, if your readers don't understand satire... holy shit.
I agree Raul, sometimes the demo tapes/EP's are the best releases. The cynic demo's are imo alot better then their albums.
ReplyDeleteIt's not only an issue of quality Apocalips. I understand that a band's popularity is irrelevant to the quality of their work. However, most of these bands are ones that any metalhead worth his salt is tired of hearing about. That might not be a problem for you, but for anyone who has explored the genre in depth this post is pretty pointless. Don't get me wrong, a guy like Raul is much more into the underground stuff than I am - I tend to download more full lengths than EPs, and I value good production. Most of my favorite bands are fairly well known in metal head circles, though I wouldn't expect you to know any/most of them.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about trends. It's about what is worth publicizing. There are plenty of bands who haven't received the attention they deserve, unlike KoA for example(who I have liked for a while, and still like) who have done pretty well for themselves in that respect. It's a shame that what I was trying to say just flew over your head after the first sentence of my post.
Why are there so many hipsters in metal? What ever happened to listening to metal just because it sounds amazing?
ReplyDeletelol i've been advertising in my sig on a few forums so if that led to the hate mail sorry :P
ReplyDeleteDid you say liked......the lyrics? Wha?
Nile, one of those bands you feel are supposed to like, but i just don't. "whaaawhaaduuuwhiinnggg" guitar and same monotone vocals, maybe i need to give um another chance?
Kreator was always one of my favorites when people usually said Big 4 as a teen, same with Testament.
Opeth, i only like the first 2 albums.....and probably only consider those to be "metal" there i said it.....
OMG guys i have my first boner!!1! Oly sykes<3<3<3hugs
ReplyDeleteOh Cyanide u so funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!11!!!! I like u alot man plz be friends wid me I have cool guitars and we play together i want to play lead guitar u can grunt and i like it you want to play with me i want to plzzplzzzz
ReplyDeleteOne day, I hope to be as badass as Cyanide.
ReplyDeleteDude just shut the fuck up. honestly.
One day, I hope to be as badass as Tim.
ReplyDeleteDude, just suck my cock. Honestly.
bahahahahahahaha faggot.
ReplyDeletebahahahahahahahah little rape victim.
ReplyDeleteYou are just so very witty and clever. I bet you're smarter than everybody on this site. You probably also have better musical taste too. You are obviously superior in everyway and we should name you the king of TNM.
ReplyDeleteBrenocide rules!!
ReplyDeleteFrom: Total suckup