Some of you thought it proper to go ahead and question my true metalocity after I gave a positive review of an album I had a positive opinion of. While it may seem like an egregious error on my part to show any form of respect towards a melodic death metal band from American soil, I assure you that I have more metal surging through a single dick molecule than you have in your entire CD collection, or body and soul for that matter. Everything you know about pure-blooded, true heavy metal I could write on the back of my hand. My mitts are definitely beastly and massive enough to strangle any bear species of your choosing, so in respects to what I just said about what you know, I can write the words "FUCKING NOTHING" about as large as I could ever want. Maybe underneath that, I could squeeze in the name "Agalloch" somewhere. Depends on how much slack I'm willing to cut your poseur ass. Don't ever come up to me like you know me or I respect you and start talking to me about what is and isn't metal. Last time I checked, you don't make the fucking rules.
Then I see gems like this after I follow my traffic sources back to Reddit:
How is that odd, again? Either way, I felt pretty bad that horticultualist didn't think my website was worth any of his precious time. I put a minimal amount of effort into this blog, and if I fail to entertain someone, I always feel like I should be doing more. So in an effort to appease my current readers, as well as new ones such as horticultualist, I looked up what he's personally doing with himself that he considers so much more worthwhile (besides actively posting on Reddit):
1. Playing Starcraft.
2. Being fat.
Even if it is coming from the point of view of someone that's borderline retarded, if I smash my head against a concrete support beam just enough times, I can sort of start to see where you guys are coming from in your tirades against my page. I just don't feature enough true metal bands on my website. I'm so busy discussing bands that are controversially metal, or not metal in the least, that I forget that I'm completely neglecting the true metal bands that have nothing to really do with this site's theme at all. If it's not that sort of complaint, it's a complaint against how I spend all my time on here ripping apart bands instead of just writing about bands that I like. I can't tell you how many Chelsea Grin fans stumble upon that one Awful Video article months after I wrote it, and proceed to go on some bullshit rant about how Alex is a musical genius living out his dreams, while I am living in my mother's basement wishing I could pig squeal as good as him. I think it's about 5 now.
I pride myself on my unapologetic, stubborn nature, but I guess I wouldn't be doing this anymore if there weren't people to read it. Perhaps I should meet you guys half-way once in a while? Talk about bands I actually enjoy, as well as bands that are only true metal. So I decided to change my ways and be more positive! From here on out, I will only talk about true metal bands and bands that I like:
Accept: So Udo isn't their singer anymore, which I'm kind of bummed about, because he was a cool vocalist, even if he was really unfortunate looking. However, I think Tornillo is a good fit for them. I thought Blood of the Nations was a really great album, especially since they've been doing this for years, and they're now what would typically be a has-been age for a metal band. But not Accept! That album came out just last year and was still super fucking metal. Yeah, I liked the guitars, bass and the drums and lyrics and everything. It was pretty sweet. Wolf Hoffmann is a really awesome guitarist, and I think that's more because he seems like a cool guy and like he's good at guitar, and not so much because his first name is Wolf, which is awesome. Yeah, Accept are rad.
Dio: I was really sad when Ronnie James Dio died, because I really liked him in Elf, Rainbow, Black Sabbath, and oh yeah, Dio. I can't really pick a favorite Dio song, because they're all really good. Even the shitty Dio albums are a lot better than most band's "good albums". I'm just kidding, Dio had no shitty albums! He was Dio, dude. I guess if I had to pick my favorite Dio songs, I'd have to go through each one of his bands, and there were a lot of them, and each one was great. I like Mob Rules a lot. A lot of people might like other Black Sabbath songs more than that song with Dio, but I liked Mob Rules. It's just a matter of opinion, I guess. Holy Diver is still one of my top 10 favorite albums. I can't pick my favorite song from that album because the whole album is just so great!
Nile: These guys are crazy. Like everybody thinks that death metal is just blast beats and trem-picking, and Nile does that too, but they're also wicked technical. If you look at Nile guitar tablature and try to play it, you're gonna shit your pants, dude. Nile are awesome. I dunno, maybe their newer albums aren't the best in the world. I mean, they're all pretty good, but just not their best. I liked Black Seeds of Vengeance. That might not have been their best album either, like maybe that's not what critics say is the best Nile album, but I like it and I guess that's just my personal opinion. Just my taste, you know...
Grave Digger: Not to be confused with the monster truck, lol! Sorry, I'm just kidding. I think that Grave Digger are a pretty underrated power metal band. Yeah, underrated! I don't hear enough people just having discussions about Grave Digger. I think that maybe Boltendahl's voice turns a lot of people off of them, because it is pretty abrasive and harsh, but I like it a lot. It makes them stand out from other bands like them, and I think that's cool. Rebellion is a pretty epic song and music video to boot! I knew they had that big sort of glam-ish flop back in the 80's where they called themselves "Digger" and it was really dumb, but everybody makes mistakes. Just ask another great band, Celtic Frost! "Cold Lake", anyone? Hahaha! Just messing around, don't get mad, but it's just kind of funny is all. =P
Obituary: I think Obituary is fucking cool. I think John Tardy has the most recognizable voice in Death Metal and he seems like a totally rad guy, or at least he did because I kind of only listened to their 90's stuff a lot. Not to say that he's probably not still a rad guy and Obituary isn't still making great albums, but I just like their 90's stuff so much that it's really what I listen to. When they release their new upcoming album, I will totally review it on the page here and tell you guys all about how much I like it!
King of Asgard: EINHARJAAAR!!! I love that song so much. I was so pumped that InfidelAmsterdam started using that as one of his opening songs to his YouTube videos. Hopefully he really likes the band and isn't just using it because a really devoted fan made that intro for him, so he felt obligated to use it. But he seems like a really great guy, and would be honest with you about it if he didn't like it. But then again, maybe the fact that he's such a nice guy might be why he's using it when he might not actually even like it? You guys have to realize that Ed Veter doesn't even like Opeth. I mean, what's with that? I think Opeth are pretty good. I mean, I like Bloodbath a lot better, but I also like Opeth too. I guess it just depends on my mood. It's a matter of opinion I guess. I want to fucking drink beer with Infidel, and the guys from Opeth, and the guys from King of Asgard all at the same time, and I think after enough beer, Opeth will talk InfidelAmsterdam into liking them. That would be cool. All those dudes are really great, and I think we'd all be great friends.
So do you guys need me to keep going, or are you convinced that all of your ideas suck, and my web page is worth visiting because I don't waste my time playing hold-hands-metal club grab ass about what my favorite bands are? I'm here to talk shit about music that sucks and represent music you think sucks because you don't know anything. If you don't like it, delete me from your bookmarks and go read about metal on fucking Blabbermouth.